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Advice for family on the edge?
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<blockquote data-quote="LostSF" data-source="post: 363732"><p>I agree that she's trying to punish her Mom and I, so we're focusing on helping her to get past that and to ease her resentment. But it's hard to do that when the things she wants to punish us for (her Mom being married to me, the restrictions we place on her so she doesn't make bad choices) are things we're not willing/able to change. She's got a therapy session next week and wife will be attending, so hopefully they can make some headway there (although I have to admit I have my doubts). </p><p></p><p>But I also think a big part of SD's decision to move to her father's is that it offers the opportunity of a new life for her.</p><p></p><p>I get the impression that she's not very well-liked at school, and she really only has one friend (who is even more of a difficult child than SD is, and who in the past has convinced SD to make some bad choices). She's sneaking around to try and make new friends with people outside of her school who she knows we won't approve of, but unless we keep her under lock-and-key or spy on her when she goes out it feels like there's only so much we can do to prevent it. So the "good" kids don't want to be her friend, and we make it hard for her to be friends with the "bad" kids.</p><p></p><p>Plus, her father lives in a big city and we live in a small town, so I think she sees moving there as a more exciting place to be.</p><p></p><p>And even though she knows life with her father won't be easy (he is very controlling and intolerant of her acting out), I think she believes she'll be able to outsmart him. He's lied to her for her whole life, and I don't think she'll hesitate to lie to him to get what she wants. Plus he doesn't worry about many of the things we do (like giving out personal info to strangers on the Internet), so she'll be able to get away with some things there that she doesn't here.</p><p></p><p>Deep down, I think SD just desperately wants to feel accepted (especially by her peers), and she sees moving to her father's in a new city as a chance to get that. I'm pretty sure SD knows that in many ways her father will make her life even more painful for her than it is now, but she's hoping that there will be enough other "fun" stuff to make it tolerable.</p><p></p><p>And she actually doesn't see her paternal grandparents or that side of her family very often -- she avoids them. They recently showed up at her school to visit her, unannounced... but that was after almost a year of not seeing or talking to her. I have no doubt that they would be happy to say bad things about us, and I also believe that she says bad things about us to get approval from them. Apparently that's been going on since my wife and he first separated. But unfortunately there's not much we can do about that, except to try and be the best parents and people we can be.</p><p></p><p>So now we have to wait and see how it all plays out. I'm pretty sure she won't be leaving before the end of the school year -- she has a big school trip that she won't want to miss, if nothing else. Hopefully (for her sake, if not ours) she'll cool down and rethink her decision between now and then. But I know we're going to continue to struggle with her behaviour during that time, so I won't be surprised if she decides to go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LostSF, post: 363732"] I agree that she's trying to punish her Mom and I, so we're focusing on helping her to get past that and to ease her resentment. But it's hard to do that when the things she wants to punish us for (her Mom being married to me, the restrictions we place on her so she doesn't make bad choices) are things we're not willing/able to change. She's got a therapy session next week and wife will be attending, so hopefully they can make some headway there (although I have to admit I have my doubts). But I also think a big part of SD's decision to move to her father's is that it offers the opportunity of a new life for her. I get the impression that she's not very well-liked at school, and she really only has one friend (who is even more of a difficult child than SD is, and who in the past has convinced SD to make some bad choices). She's sneaking around to try and make new friends with people outside of her school who she knows we won't approve of, but unless we keep her under lock-and-key or spy on her when she goes out it feels like there's only so much we can do to prevent it. So the "good" kids don't want to be her friend, and we make it hard for her to be friends with the "bad" kids. Plus, her father lives in a big city and we live in a small town, so I think she sees moving there as a more exciting place to be. And even though she knows life with her father won't be easy (he is very controlling and intolerant of her acting out), I think she believes she'll be able to outsmart him. He's lied to her for her whole life, and I don't think she'll hesitate to lie to him to get what she wants. Plus he doesn't worry about many of the things we do (like giving out personal info to strangers on the Internet), so she'll be able to get away with some things there that she doesn't here. Deep down, I think SD just desperately wants to feel accepted (especially by her peers), and she sees moving to her father's in a new city as a chance to get that. I'm pretty sure SD knows that in many ways her father will make her life even more painful for her than it is now, but she's hoping that there will be enough other "fun" stuff to make it tolerable. And she actually doesn't see her paternal grandparents or that side of her family very often -- she avoids them. They recently showed up at her school to visit her, unannounced... but that was after almost a year of not seeing or talking to her. I have no doubt that they would be happy to say bad things about us, and I also believe that she says bad things about us to get approval from them. Apparently that's been going on since my wife and he first separated. But unfortunately there's not much we can do about that, except to try and be the best parents and people we can be. So now we have to wait and see how it all plays out. I'm pretty sure she won't be leaving before the end of the school year -- she has a big school trip that she won't want to miss, if nothing else. Hopefully (for her sake, if not ours) she'll cool down and rethink her decision between now and then. But I know we're going to continue to struggle with her behaviour during that time, so I won't be surprised if she decides to go. [/QUOTE]
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