Advice needed! Deatchment issues

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by everywoman, May 28, 2007.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Not with difficult child--that was pretty easy. Instead its with pcdaughter. She is dating guy from Conway about 45 miles away)...Don't know much about him, but he seems okay---kind of weird. We've had him to dinner a few times and he only speaks when spoken to. I know he comes from a bad home life. He works for a ford dealership as a supervisior. Since dating him she has distanced herself from me completely. Really short, snippy answers. We haven't had a talk in a month.
    She has decided to move outof the house and in with a girl she knows from over there who is also 17(and pregnant). PCdaughter doesn't like babies---actually goes out of her way to avoid being around them! I am having a hard time letting go of her.

    She claims I'm holding on too tight. husband said I taught her to be independent and she is just putting it into practice. not coping well. Advice? At what age did your easy child's move out. She did graduate from hs, has a job, and has completed one year of community college. Ugh....watching them grow up is hard when they do it the right way!

    Advice? Would you let her go?
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    In your signature you say she is old and wise beyond her years.
    I am also assuming that it is legal for her to be on her own at age 17. It sounds like she knows you won't approve so she isn't giving you a chance to have that conversation with her. I think if the above is all true I would just give her a hug and say that while you aren't aligned with her choice you can respect her judgement and hope that everything works out for her. Then after she goes think about what you want to do if she asks to move back because she probably will in a few months. -RM
  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    The hardest thing I ever did was drive my easy child to college, give him a hug, and say good bye. He was never on his own before, I was never without him before. easy child and difficult child are 12 years apart. I have two only children. easy child is my hero. Always had his head on straight, Always did what was expected, and now..I had to let him go. It broke my heart when he didn't want to talk to me when I called (every day). He learned some hard lessons in college. Having to get up without someone waking him up. Peer pressure, relationships. He ended up joining a Fraternity, convinced me it was a "dry" house. I couldn't for the life of me understand why when he came home at Thanksgiving, how he had put on so much weight!! He ended up being suspended for a semester do to poor grades. He ended up having his heart broke, (she was determined to make the best of her education). He ended up moving home and going to the local college. Still, at age 24 paying off debt from the college years. He lived at home until last Fall, and is still home half the week. Works 2 hours away half the week and near home the other half. I didn't raise him to be as careless as he chose to be. And I was afraid of just what happened. But I didn't bail him out. I didn't ask him to come home. I told him his room was still there if he chose to come back, but he had to work if he returned. He is still taking classes, Working full time, trying to straighten out his credit and trying to graduate. But, it was his choices that put him in the place he is at.
    Your easy child is probably afraid you will not approve and is avoiding that conversation. She is wise, she will make the right choices,, even if not at first. She will probably need your support. As stated above, think about what you want when she returns.
  4. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    With my oldest easy child it was me that moved away from home! I took a job out of state while son stayed here to finish college. He was 19 and it was still so tough. I experienced every mother's worst fears, 6 months later my beautiful boy was dead. 3 years later easy child daughter graduated high school and wanted to get an apartment with a friend. I was terrified but bit the bullit and offered to help. She was going to move with or without my help and I wanted to try to assist in giving her every advantage to succeed. Room mate didn't work out and 6 months later I had bought a new house with an in-law apt which my daughter moved into. She had her independence and I felt less stressed. (we didn't buy the house with that in mind, it just worked out that way)
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think the more you try and fight her, the more distant she will become. let her go, give her the space she seems to be needing and I'm sure she will come back to you with a totally different relationship. I'm not saying come back to live, but what I mean is come back into your life with a different relationship.
  6. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    I 2nd that. I sure didn't mean to imply that your daughter would physically move back in, but she will return with a different, and probably better relationship with you.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks ladies. I know I need to let go. She has always been an independent little thing. She is anti-drug and alcohol---went through some experimenting several years ago, decided it was not her cup of tea, and moved on. She hates having difficult child at home---too many bad memories fromt the past. I know that I have no choice. She is 17, and in SC can leave home if she wants. I could threaten to take the car and cellphone, but knowing her she would leave without them and have new ones in her own name in less than a month. I know she will be okay----just not sure I will be.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yes, sweetie. You will.

    It does not seem like it now. It might not tomoorow or next week or next month. But you will be okay. And we will all help you.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My #1 easy child went to the University and I had very little problem with her absence. It really surprised me! THEN before her first
    year was over she announced that she was moving out of the dorm
    and into an apartment with her boyfriend. I was shocked! Quickly I
    realized that I couldn't stop her "bonding" but I was convinced
    that I could talk her into keeping her dorm room just as a refuge
    ..."just in case you want to be alone on occasion". easy child for the first time in her life told me NO. I cried as she left to go back to school. I had told her we would let her live whereever
    she wanted but we would only keep paying for her education if she
    kept the dorm room "even if she never visited it again". Not!

    A week later I talked with her and told her that I loved her and
    was afraid that she might be hooking up in a relationship that
    would prevent her from spreading her wings etc. etc. I asked her
    if she would call me once a week just so I could hear her voice
    and know she was ok. She promised.

    She and her boyfriend/husband have an outstanding marriage, they both are very successful with the careers and they are extremely
    supportive of our needs. About ten years ago her husband and I got on
    the same page........better late than never, lol.

    Try to have a simple lifeline with your easy child. It will alleviate
    alot of fears and give you a chance to hear her sweet voice. DDD
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    you cannot stop her of course. I also would not isolate myself from her. remain a prescence there when she wants. I do not think I would provide a car and cellphone though. if she is on her own, she should be on her own about those things too I would think.