Advice needed, In-laws again

crazymama30

Active Member
Hugs. You were given such good advice, I do not know what to add. My father in law and step mother in law are the same. husband does not like them, and we hardly see them. father in law thinks husband is just lazy and expects everyone else to do/take care of him as he cannot work. father in law sees it as a choice. husband is BiPolar (BP) and has chronic pain. A lot of anxiety. He keeps up my mom's house/yard, my grandfather's, and our house that we are renting out. He clears the driveway of snow, many times making himself so sore he can barely walk and almost falls when he tries to get off the couch.

Stubborn and ignorant people are everywhere. I just go to my happy place while they spew their beliefs, or picture them in their underwear. That can be quite amusing, or scary, depending. It is not your fault, you are doing the best you can. There is nothing more anyone can do but their best.
 

pepperidge

New Member
Hi Toto,

Most of us have enough trouble getting on the same page with our spouses, much less our parents.

I think you have explained all that you can explain to them. You might be on the lookout for an article in one of the ladies' magazines that deals with bipolar. If you see it, it might help your mother in law. That's the kind of thing that helps my own mother.

I think that husband needs to back off discussing it with his parents. He also needs to put some limits on when/where they see your kids. This can be done in a nice way. They will think whatever they want to think about you. Too bad, so sad, it is ultimately going to be their loss as you pull back. You may just want to think about making some time for husband to spend time by himself with the inlaws. Don't know what kind of therapy you guys are dong, but it might be the most productive to have some couseling for you and husband around in law issues so you can present a united front while still preserving his relationship at least with the in laws.

One thing if it is possible is to think about some structured time with the in-laws. Is there any way you can set up a once a week visit? I'm thinking it might help K if it is a structured visit with clear parameters. It might reduce the discussion and negotiation time with the inlaws as well.

Sounds like it is not going to work to use the in laws as babysitters. That really hoovers, because we know how much we need a break. So that is something that you and husband" may need to come to terms with. It really stinks when there are no family members to help out.

I'm sorry. It is so easy for others to blame us--schools, inlaws, psychiatrists, you name it. Not to mention our little darlings as well. We just have to go on. Sorry I don't have anything better to say than that. Who would have ever thought that being a mother would just be so plain difficult and unrewarding. But it is sometimes.

Hang in there. Christmas with especially young difficult children can be so difficult.

As I watch the snow come down and down and down....I think about you escaping from Idaho, hope you are enjoying your weather at least!

Hope some part of it is enjoyable...
P.
 

Steely

Active Member
Huge hugs girl!!! I am so sorry.

You know, I did not have the inlaw scenario, just my own parents - and that was still enough to brain damage me. I can understand where husband is coming from in trying to "make things work" because I did the same thing for years with my parents. However husband is going to have to come to his own epiphany on this, and stop trying to enable everyone to get along. (Which is what I did for years with my parents, and it wrecked M many, many times).

I would say if husband insists on peace, harmony, and appeasing his parents - then he gets total responsibility for K and the aftermath. He can pick up the pieces, if he insists K have these outings and interactions.

Be strong, and keep being that warrior mom. You know what K needs. If the inlaws want to sing rainbows and unicorns - and husband wants to appease them - then leave for the weekend - and let them sing, sing, sing. Perhaps, suffering their own natural consequences would wake them up?

I know it is hard, because you want to protect K - and make sure she is okay - but perhaps even one weekend of full responsibility would be an eye opener for the inlaws, and husband.

So sorry........you did not need this now. Be strong. Of course you are an awesome mom. husband knows this, or he would not have married you:) But he is also suffering from his own familial dysfunction it sounds like. Give it time, it will all work out.
 
Top