Advice needed - Long but I am really confused

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ecp9971, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. ecp9971

    ecp9971 New Member

    My 16 yr old (will be 17 come May) has been getting worse and I don't know what to do anymore. He can be the best kid in the world and then other times he's ready to floor me and treats me like total you know what.

    Last night I was "getting" on the kids about not doing their one chore that they are supposed to do each day. Well, the 16 yr old got mouthy and rude with me about it. They were about to go down to their pappa's house to stay with him (he is 84 yrs old and everyone takes a turn spending the night at his house so he is not alone - he lives right next door). Normally, they drive my van over down a path between the houses - but seem wheres difficult child was being rude I took my keys back from him.

    He got even worse with the mouth after that. My husband told him to stop talking to me like that and just be quite. He told him to go to his pappa's and knock it off. difficult child said he wasn't walking and the yelling started between him and I. Finally he got up off the couch and slammed out the door. husband yelled "don't slam my door again" and difficult child yelled back to husband "Suck my (privite area)"

    husband went out the door after him and yelled "what did you say to me?" and difficult child repeated it. I went out after him and told him that he was not going to speak to his father that way and he was yelling at me "hit me hit me" (mind you I could not/would not even think of hitting him - number one I hate hitting and don't use that number two I am 5'8" 140lbs and he is 6'2" and 200lbs)

    Lots of words out of anger were said by him and I when he was walking away towards his pappas house. I called my sister to come get him and that is where he is now (about 30 mins away)-he told her I was mad cause I was drinking (I had a couple of beers) but what he doesn't realize is I would have been madder if I hadn't

    Here is the deal:

    There is only 1 1/2 days left this week of school (and he never misses any days) and then next week is spring break - so husband and I have a week and a half to figure out what to do

    Things keep getting worse each fight we have (this is far from the first one)

    He has a month and a half left of school and needs to complete the full year of the course in order to pass his grade and get into the 12th grade.

    He could go stay with my sister but there would be no way for him to get to school (different county - different school systems)-once school lets out he could go there for the summer.

    He could move into Pappa's but then he would not have any type of supervision and we still would be dealing with the same issues

    He needs to get help but wont let me find him any (I have all I can do to get him to the phychologist for his medications every two months - and to get him to go the first time I had to take papers out on him and have the sheriff bring him)

    Does anyone have any ideas, advice, anything???
  2. ecp9971

    ecp9971 New Member

    As an added note:

    My son and I have a long history of butting heads and it getting heated. I have some issues with some of the things he does and he doesn't think I have the right too.

    Things like:

    Him smoking

    His opinion of girls (only good for one thing)

    The way he treats his youngest brother (always putting him down and being mean to him)

    Outwardly calling people things (fat, ugly, their sexual choice, etc) even people he doesn't know - he either says it loud enough for everyone to hear or a few times yelled it out my van window

    Cussing (major words not the minor ones) in public (worse when it is in front of older people or young kids) or at home

    And other things I can't think of right now...but if I tell him to stop or correct him for doing these things it ends up in an all out war
  3. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Sounds alot like my 16 year old (who will be 17 in May also). We could never see eye to eye on anything. Always fighting, etc. Then one day he got "mad" and put his fist thru the front window. ( 15 stitches) I finally, after many different counselors, called CYS I did not know where else to turn. We were given a case worker and an in home team for "family counseling". This worked for a while but then it all went down hill.
    We ended up going to court and he was placed in a boot camp for 5 months. He did wonderful there, excelled thru the program and received his rank faster then anyone. He came home and all was well for a while, the anger was much less and we talked more.
    Now 7 months later he is back in placement (he desided school was no longer for him, stopped attending meetings, got into drugs, and stopped coming home)
    I know you want to give up because I did too. I love my son as I'm sure do too, but sometimes we can't give them what they need. I've faced the fact even though I'm his mom I can't fix everything. beleive me when they are placed they tell you everything you want to hear and you begin to second guess your choice. You'll think I was wrong we can fix this he doesn't need to be here. I thought the same thing. But I realized I can't fix it only difficult child can and until he realizes that things will never be right.
    now I'm not saying to get into the court system the way we did, but if your difficult child is acting the way you say HE will get into it all by himself.
    I realized that no matter what I did or didn't do my difficult child made his own choices and basically put himself back into placement. He knew what he needed to do to continue to stay home and HE chose to the wrong thing.
    Don't think if you ask for outside help you don't love your child, look at it as SAVING them before it's too late.
  4. mattsmum

    mattsmum New Member

    Could he be on edge about what you said....

    "He has a month and a half left of school and needs to complete the full year of the course in order to pass his grade and get into the 12th grade."
  5. mattsmum

    mattsmum New Member

    Other you notice any pattern of triggers??? For example, does reminding him to do his chore usually set him off?
  6. ecp9971

    ecp9971 New Member

    Thank you least I know I am not alone cause that is how I feel right now but your post helped me see I am not...who knows where this road ends but at least I have some place to talk to others on the same road
  7. ecp9971

    ecp9971 New Member

    His triggers are ME...anything that comes out my mouth...and when husband speaks up for me cause I am not out-of-place (if he thinks I am he shuts up and then tells me after) then husband is a trigger too...
  8. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    ECP, is there any chance his medications are no longer working? When was the last time they were checked, particularly the Lithium blood level? If the Lithium dose is not in the therapeutic range (0.8 to 1.2), there is a good chance your son would be angry and out of control. His Zyprexa dose may need adjusting as well given that he might have grown a lot since it was prescribed. Furthemore, is he in therapy? It would be helpful for him to learn skills to cope with his anger.

    Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? It might help you learn to pick your battles with your son so that not every discussion with your son becomes a heated battle.
  9. ecp9971

    ecp9971 New Member

    I was thinking that same thing...that something isn't right with his medications. I am going to contact his doctor today to get a lab order that way he can get his levels checked over this weekend at the hospital. He is still at my sister's and hasn't bothered to contact me or even read the message I sent him on myspace (letting him know - no matter what I still love him). So my sister will bring him to get the blood work done.