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Advice needed - mother who is a difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 160591" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You and your brother both need counselling. Your mother is being manipulative and this can be very damaging to the relationship between you and your brother. He is not to blame for the rift between you and your mother and he needs to understand this. </p><p></p><p>A very close friend of mine had a problem father. He was manipulative, a bully, abusive and behaved like a spoilt brat. At times he would scream abuse at my friend often with no provocation. She would visit to see her mother, to take them some home-cooked food and her father would get angry. He developed Alzheimer's and this made him even worse, as he tried to blame other people for his own failing memory. My friend's mother was hostage to his moods and his need for constsant stimulation, and began to drink heavily to deal with the emotional and physical pain. </p><p></p><p>As he deteriorated into dementia, my friend realised that things would never be resolved. All her life he had criticised her, compared her unfavourably to her sister and generally told her she was a loser, a disappointment, ugly, fat and no man would ever want her. Of course my friend married an abuser who thankfully walked out on her ten years later. Her father, instead of comforting her, said she was a disgrace and embarrassment and she should beg her husband to come back.</p><p></p><p>He died about five years ago. My friend didn't know what to feel. She was angry, very angry, her relationship with her sister was a bit shaky at that time but they had come together to get help for their mother, who by this stage was an alcoholic with malnutrition and broken bones from her husband's abuse and her own falls. Over the last five years the sisters have become much closer, each realising the burden the other had to carry. Their mother died a few months ago, the girls had spent the time with her and mended at least some of their relationship; however, some aspects especially dealing with their father's abuse, she would never accept or acknowledge.</p><p></p><p>A few days ago my friend was going through some old photos found in her mother's things. One photo showed the two sisters with a store Santa, the older one K was 15 and the younger (my friend M) was 13. Their father had written on the photo to caption it. An arrow pointed at the older girl - "my beautiful, wonderful K" with kisses & hugs. The other girl simply had "M" underneath.</p><p></p><p>She said after all this time, it still hurts.</p><p></p><p>There is no way that anything could ever have been salvaged from this. With hindsight, there is still nothing she could have done, to make their relationship better. Absolutely nothing. And she did try, very hard. She would walk away when he was being hurtful. She detached. </p><p></p><p>Would she have been better off simply forgetting she had a father? Maybe. If she could have totally cut herself off, a part of her may have always wondered if she could have done something different. But she didn't walk away, she did try, and it made no difference.</p><p></p><p>All I can advise you to do, is detach. Get help for yourself and find ways to be strong in yourself. Never take on board what she says, do not believe it or accept it. Your brother needs the same - it is her choice to say bad things about people, it is their choice to let it hurt them or not.</p><p></p><p>If you can distance yourself from the hurt she tries to cause, then you can have a relation ship of sorts. But if you can't, then keep away. Hang up when she starts getting unpleasant. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.</p><p></p><p>You have your own strength inside you, more than you realise. Tap into this and use it. Do not look to your mother, ever again, for validation. Instead, find it within yourself. And share this with your brother. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 160591, member: 1991"] You and your brother both need counselling. Your mother is being manipulative and this can be very damaging to the relationship between you and your brother. He is not to blame for the rift between you and your mother and he needs to understand this. A very close friend of mine had a problem father. He was manipulative, a bully, abusive and behaved like a spoilt brat. At times he would scream abuse at my friend often with no provocation. She would visit to see her mother, to take them some home-cooked food and her father would get angry. He developed Alzheimer's and this made him even worse, as he tried to blame other people for his own failing memory. My friend's mother was hostage to his moods and his need for constsant stimulation, and began to drink heavily to deal with the emotional and physical pain. As he deteriorated into dementia, my friend realised that things would never be resolved. All her life he had criticised her, compared her unfavourably to her sister and generally told her she was a loser, a disappointment, ugly, fat and no man would ever want her. Of course my friend married an abuser who thankfully walked out on her ten years later. Her father, instead of comforting her, said she was a disgrace and embarrassment and she should beg her husband to come back. He died about five years ago. My friend didn't know what to feel. She was angry, very angry, her relationship with her sister was a bit shaky at that time but they had come together to get help for their mother, who by this stage was an alcoholic with malnutrition and broken bones from her husband's abuse and her own falls. Over the last five years the sisters have become much closer, each realising the burden the other had to carry. Their mother died a few months ago, the girls had spent the time with her and mended at least some of their relationship; however, some aspects especially dealing with their father's abuse, she would never accept or acknowledge. A few days ago my friend was going through some old photos found in her mother's things. One photo showed the two sisters with a store Santa, the older one K was 15 and the younger (my friend M) was 13. Their father had written on the photo to caption it. An arrow pointed at the older girl - "my beautiful, wonderful K" with kisses & hugs. The other girl simply had "M" underneath. She said after all this time, it still hurts. There is no way that anything could ever have been salvaged from this. With hindsight, there is still nothing she could have done, to make their relationship better. Absolutely nothing. And she did try, very hard. She would walk away when he was being hurtful. She detached. Would she have been better off simply forgetting she had a father? Maybe. If she could have totally cut herself off, a part of her may have always wondered if she could have done something different. But she didn't walk away, she did try, and it made no difference. All I can advise you to do, is detach. Get help for yourself and find ways to be strong in yourself. Never take on board what she says, do not believe it or accept it. Your brother needs the same - it is her choice to say bad things about people, it is their choice to let it hurt them or not. If you can distance yourself from the hurt she tries to cause, then you can have a relation ship of sorts. But if you can't, then keep away. Hang up when she starts getting unpleasant. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. You have your own strength inside you, more than you realise. Tap into this and use it. Do not look to your mother, ever again, for validation. Instead, find it within yourself. And share this with your brother. Marg [/QUOTE]
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