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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612997" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Rush, I am sorry this continues. I think you must have clear consequences for behavior. If you have been enabling her, then what you are saying is not reaching her because you've allowed this behavior in the past. So, make a list of what you absolutely MUST have, what your particular rules in your home are and are non negotiable. Tell her she must comply with this list and if she doesn't, then she must leave. Make the consequence absolute, there are no loopholes or justifications, rationalizations, reasons, nothing, you break the rules, you go. Call a local shelter and find out if they have room. Or do the cheap place to live, but that is entirely up to you, you don't have to do that, you are under no obligation to pay for anything, and if you do, it is a temporary thing. I don't think the Feb. deadline will work now.</p><p></p><p>The problem when we enable our kids is that we set a precedent and we allow bad behavior which in essence sends them the message that they can pretty much do anything without consequences. That is not real life, real life is our behavior dictates the outcome. She has not learned this and you are at your wits end. </p><p></p><p>Look inside yourself and ask yourself "what am I willing to do WITHOUT RESENTMENT? If you can afford a place for her, and you will not resent it and it feels good, then do it. BUT, if you are already resentful for all you've done and this will be yet another nail in your coffin, then don't. It's really all up to you, you make the rules, you pay the bills, it's your home, you make the rules. Figure out what you are really willing to do and what you're not and then tell her. She can just as easily stay in a women's shelter and eat their food. </p><p></p><p>It's good you didn't buy into the guilt, because our kids are masters at placing their lives in our hands and making us responsible for their bad choices, don't buy it. Frankly, if I were you, I would go the shelter route if she cannot comply with the rules you set forth, there are many loopholes in the cheap place, only one of which is you may end up being responsible for damage or anything she does. I would look further into that before I made that choice. </p><p></p><p>It would be helpful to us to remember all your stats if you put a bio underneath your post as you see we all have done. You can do that by going up to the right hand corner here, clicking on settings, scroll down on the left side and look for profile, bio, etc and fill it in. Remember to save it so it will show up. That way we can recall your story immediately. There are many stories here and sometimes it's a challenge to try to remember each difficult child saga. Thanks.</p><p></p><p>Do what is right for YOU. You sound as if you are at the end of your rope. Take your power back. Don't allow your daughter to hold you hostage with guilt, you didn't do anything wrong, it's she who is the problem. We spend a lot of time surfing the guilt and fear wave and it really prolongs the inevitable, which is she needs to be on her own in life without you suffering over her choices. Good luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612997, member: 13542"] Rush, I am sorry this continues. I think you must have clear consequences for behavior. If you have been enabling her, then what you are saying is not reaching her because you've allowed this behavior in the past. So, make a list of what you absolutely MUST have, what your particular rules in your home are and are non negotiable. Tell her she must comply with this list and if she doesn't, then she must leave. Make the consequence absolute, there are no loopholes or justifications, rationalizations, reasons, nothing, you break the rules, you go. Call a local shelter and find out if they have room. Or do the cheap place to live, but that is entirely up to you, you don't have to do that, you are under no obligation to pay for anything, and if you do, it is a temporary thing. I don't think the Feb. deadline will work now. The problem when we enable our kids is that we set a precedent and we allow bad behavior which in essence sends them the message that they can pretty much do anything without consequences. That is not real life, real life is our behavior dictates the outcome. She has not learned this and you are at your wits end. Look inside yourself and ask yourself "what am I willing to do WITHOUT RESENTMENT? If you can afford a place for her, and you will not resent it and it feels good, then do it. BUT, if you are already resentful for all you've done and this will be yet another nail in your coffin, then don't. It's really all up to you, you make the rules, you pay the bills, it's your home, you make the rules. Figure out what you are really willing to do and what you're not and then tell her. She can just as easily stay in a women's shelter and eat their food. It's good you didn't buy into the guilt, because our kids are masters at placing their lives in our hands and making us responsible for their bad choices, don't buy it. Frankly, if I were you, I would go the shelter route if she cannot comply with the rules you set forth, there are many loopholes in the cheap place, only one of which is you may end up being responsible for damage or anything she does. I would look further into that before I made that choice. It would be helpful to us to remember all your stats if you put a bio underneath your post as you see we all have done. You can do that by going up to the right hand corner here, clicking on settings, scroll down on the left side and look for profile, bio, etc and fill it in. Remember to save it so it will show up. That way we can recall your story immediately. There are many stories here and sometimes it's a challenge to try to remember each difficult child saga. Thanks. Do what is right for YOU. You sound as if you are at the end of your rope. Take your power back. Don't allow your daughter to hold you hostage with guilt, you didn't do anything wrong, it's she who is the problem. We spend a lot of time surfing the guilt and fear wave and it really prolongs the inevitable, which is she needs to be on her own in life without you suffering over her choices. Good luck. [/QUOTE]
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