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advice on difficult child & siblings/NCP
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 328254" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I have some questions, and some suggestions. I'll try to put it together in a way that can be understood.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Who lives with you, and who does not?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You list your children as </p><p></p><p>difficult child 1-M18, Learning Disability (LD), still in HS (?), long criminal record, IEP, </p><p>easy child-F17-HS grad as jr...</p><p>easy child-F12-Great kid...</p><p></p><p>I take it that you are talking about your 12 year daughter old having lunch with your 17 year old daughter? Is your oldest a boy or a girl? What was so unbearable about the situation?</p><p></p><p>Don't you think that your daughter ought to feel comfortable about mentioning her father? If she doesn't even talk to you about him, that's a big red flag that she doesn't feel comfortable with you where her father is concerned.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Unless your other children or their father assault your daughter during visits, that's not ever going to happen. Ever. The court will work with you to be sure that the children are <u>safe</u> during visits. Period. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Have you been in therapy regarding how to help you and your children have a safe and open line of communication with you about their father? If your middle daughter is not physically or sexually abusive, there are no grounds for an OP. Have you tried to involve yourself and your middle daughter in therapy so that you won't feel so threatened about what she might say to your youngest?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Since he is requesting that the court enforce the visitation order, there are no grounds for abandonment if you refuse visitation. There are grounds to have you charged with violation of court ordered visitation, and probably contempt of court. He could probably get custody based upon that. You would be well advised to work out a visitation schedule with him now rather than make the judge tell you that you have to do it his way. </p><p></p><p>When you say he is unfit, what do you mean? The court usually considers a parent who supplies a child with drugs or alcohol unfit. Also, if they use the child in other illegal activities such as shoplift or commit fraud for them; if they force the child to live in squalor; if they withhold basic living needs such as food, clothing, a bed, etc. from the child; if they <em>personally </em>beat or sexually abuse the child. Is this what you mean? Differences in parenting styles, or having new girlfriends is not being unfit. Does your family court have parenting classes that you might go to so that you can understand the legal requirements for termination of rights and visits? You seem to not understand the level of depravity required to terminate your ex husband's rights. Terminating your child's relationship with her siblings is all but unheard of. I've never heard of "reserving visitation". What does that mean? I've searched and searched the statutes and can't find it anywhere.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Honestly, I don't blame her for not wanting counseling. She's 12 years old and wants to be normal. Maybe you and she could attend counseling and find a way to work this out between you? I don't think that you can convince the court that you are only protecting if your husband "is non-abusive, just irresponsible and immature" and you want to prohibit him from seeing his children. It's incumbent upon you and he to figure out how to allow him to see these children and be good parents to them. If he's not a danger to them, and he won't change, then you have to figure out how to deal with the consequences to your children of his parenting style. Be ready to explain without judgment why you have different rules than he does. Be sure that they know that you both love them and that one parent's love isn't any more or less valuable than the other's, you just have different styles of parenting because you're two different people and you disagree. Be sure that they know that you have confidence that they are good people who will be good adults and that they can come to you for advice any time and you will not judge them or debase their father to them.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what it is that your ex has done to make you so angry. I do know that if the two of you walked into any family court I'm familiar with (and I am) you'd both be admonished to figure it out before the court orders you into an arrangement you can't live with, and counseling that the court and the other party will have access to and can use against you in future hearings. It's not what you want.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 328254, member: 99"] I have some questions, and some suggestions. I'll try to put it together in a way that can be understood. Who lives with you, and who does not? You list your children as difficult child 1-M18, Learning Disability (LD), still in HS (?), long criminal record, IEP, easy child-F17-HS grad as jr... easy child-F12-Great kid... I take it that you are talking about your 12 year daughter old having lunch with your 17 year old daughter? Is your oldest a boy or a girl? What was so unbearable about the situation? Don't you think that your daughter ought to feel comfortable about mentioning her father? If she doesn't even talk to you about him, that's a big red flag that she doesn't feel comfortable with you where her father is concerned. Unless your other children or their father assault your daughter during visits, that's not ever going to happen. Ever. The court will work with you to be sure that the children are [U]safe[/U] during visits. Period. Have you been in therapy regarding how to help you and your children have a safe and open line of communication with you about their father? If your middle daughter is not physically or sexually abusive, there are no grounds for an OP. Have you tried to involve yourself and your middle daughter in therapy so that you won't feel so threatened about what she might say to your youngest? Since he is requesting that the court enforce the visitation order, there are no grounds for abandonment if you refuse visitation. There are grounds to have you charged with violation of court ordered visitation, and probably contempt of court. He could probably get custody based upon that. You would be well advised to work out a visitation schedule with him now rather than make the judge tell you that you have to do it his way. When you say he is unfit, what do you mean? The court usually considers a parent who supplies a child with drugs or alcohol unfit. Also, if they use the child in other illegal activities such as shoplift or commit fraud for them; if they force the child to live in squalor; if they withhold basic living needs such as food, clothing, a bed, etc. from the child; if they [I]personally [/I]beat or sexually abuse the child. Is this what you mean? Differences in parenting styles, or having new girlfriends is not being unfit. Does your family court have parenting classes that you might go to so that you can understand the legal requirements for termination of rights and visits? You seem to not understand the level of depravity required to terminate your ex husband's rights. Terminating your child's relationship with her siblings is all but unheard of. I've never heard of "reserving visitation". What does that mean? I've searched and searched the statutes and can't find it anywhere. Honestly, I don't blame her for not wanting counseling. She's 12 years old and wants to be normal. Maybe you and she could attend counseling and find a way to work this out between you? I don't think that you can convince the court that you are only protecting if your husband "is non-abusive, just irresponsible and immature" and you want to prohibit him from seeing his children. It's incumbent upon you and he to figure out how to allow him to see these children and be good parents to them. If he's not a danger to them, and he won't change, then you have to figure out how to deal with the consequences to your children of his parenting style. Be ready to explain without judgment why you have different rules than he does. Be sure that they know that you both love them and that one parent's love isn't any more or less valuable than the other's, you just have different styles of parenting because you're two different people and you disagree. Be sure that they know that you have confidence that they are good people who will be good adults and that they can come to you for advice any time and you will not judge them or debase their father to them. I don't know what it is that your ex has done to make you so angry. I do know that if the two of you walked into any family court I'm familiar with (and I am) you'd both be admonished to figure it out before the court orders you into an arrangement you can't live with, and counseling that the court and the other party will have access to and can use against you in future hearings. It's not what you want. [/QUOTE]
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