Advice or words of wisdom?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Mar 15, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Good morning.
    easy child 1 has opened up and is talking more about bio-father showing up. Asking some questions, etc. Things seem to be ok, tho.
    However, this man is very clearly accepting no responsibility for his decision to be absent. He told a friend of my mom's that he was afraid of my father, which is why he hadn't "come forward" sooner (my dad is dead now). He has told my aunt that he moved away, so never knew I was pregnant. He has told easy child that I hid easy child from him, and never told him I was pregnant. Combined with the fact that he has gone to great lengths to contact everyone BUT me....
    And this is really bugging me because its making a game of "he said/she said" with easy child, and I won't play that. easy child was hesitant to tell me that bio-father had contacted him because he beleived the story that I had tried to hide him from bio father (why wouldn't he? What else did he have to go from?). And its making him hesitant to ask other questions - so far, he is, but he's hesitant. And it makes me hesitant to answer them, now that I know what I'm saying is contradicting what this guy is telling him...
    I thought about calling bio-father, but that doesn't seem like a good idea. I've also thought about calling those who he has contacted to get info about us...
    Or maybe I just leave it alone? I just hate answering easy child's questions in a way that contradicts what this man told him...its just not right that easy child be put in that position. I did a lot of things wrong in that picture, but I did not hide easy child from that man. I told bio-father I was pregnant. Cost me about $12 in change to call him long distance from a payphone to do it.
    My mother is also being very accepting of the situation. Which is all well and good, but dangit, I'm sick of being the only bad guy.
    And not for nothing, this guy didn't want to tell his wife and kids about easy child until he confirmed thru a DNA test that he was the father - a DNA test that he wasn't going to pay for....
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well maybe Im not the right one to answer this question because my ex tried this on my son and I refused to play this game.

    My ex left me when Billy was around a year or so old. He didnt see him again until he was 8 or so. He called him one time when he was 7 and sent him a used radio for that Xmas. He tried at that point to tell him that he had been looking for him but that I had moved and he couldnt find him. Lie. I had always kept in touch with my ex's parents and told them my phone number.

    When he was 8, my ex's parents requested my son come visit them and my ex. I was hesitant but I felt my son was old enough to know our phone number and how to call the cops and us if there was a problem. Ex did try some mind games but my son came home ok.

    My son saw him twice more as a child.

    He talked to him online a few times as he grew up. Over the years he pretty much got his number. Ex talked a big game but never came through. Promises made and constantly broken.

    I finally told him just how things came about when he grew up. Ex tried to tell him different of course. Son was smart enough to see through it. He tried one last time to have a relationship with ex in 2005. Ex made huge promises and wanted him to come live with him. Billy went. Lasted about two weeks and he came home. Now he wants nothing to do with him.

    I think telling the truth is the right thing to do. You dont have to be ugly but the truth always is the way to go. As they say...the truth wins out.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I did. At the time, I didn't realize easy child'd already heard bio's version of it.

    I would rather just say nothing than put easy child in a position that he feels its one word against the other, ya know? That isn't his war to fight, and dammit, I don't wanna fight any wars...I just want easy child to have a normal life...if it includes bio, great. If not, well...oh well, back to life as it was...
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    (long exhale)

    I figured if I kept my mouth shut. Said nothing derogatory about Daddy Disney, got both of us therapy, went through literal hell on earth as far as behavior and living with a child who you couldn't live with, kept things as hush as I could without being ugly even when I wanted to tell him the real deal about things. For 16 years I did this. I didn't ask for child support. I didn't bother that man despite the fact that he threatened me, my family, nearly ruined my mental health and put me into a virtual lifetime of therapy, and heartache with a child who just wanted one lousy card a year on his birthday to acknowledge he existed. Too wrapped up in his own drug-induced self? I hoped for one of his attempted suicides to stick so at least the child could get some bereavement benefits. But nope.....never happened.

    I took the high road.....I was the bigger person. I never said, or did anything to let my child know I was any less of a person than I am. I never let Dude know I was poor, scared, tired, angry, wanted vengeance in the worst way and would have loved most days to have been able to spew out every last detail of just how atrocious his bio-Father was. I never did. I felt justified saying 'someday you'll be 18 and then you can choose'. I felt okay with my decision, I felt morally right.

    So my point? No matter WHAT you say about x? Whether it's "HE is a complete SLOB or HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN or YOU will have to find out on your own - like I did?" - They will make up their own minds and it could be that they end up liking him, are completely turned off by him, or tolerate him as their bio-Dad, but your husband is their real Dad. It's hard to say - but it's not your life - and I say that because---Dude recently told me flat out ....

    "Well Mom the past is the past and I've forgiven him for what he's done to me, and what he did to you? He did to you. NOT me."

    So there you have it. Yeah I know......nice. Too bad what I did to Dude by taking him away to give him a great life doesn't hold the same muster - you know - I didn't do it do his bio-father, but sadly - Dude feels sorry for him. (insert wha sound) And despite every attempt to be the bigger person in all of this? I still came out the big bad wolf.

    I'm not sure there is a good answer for you Shari. I'm really not. I guess maybe letting THEM work it out and knowing it's not your life is really the only answer. I don't know - especially after the last few months in my house. I really don't know.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I've always been a supporter of the high road but I did add
    "mild" opinions once the kids got to be near adulthood. Now
    in retrospect I would choose that road again. In my case I have an Ex who was a lousy selfish Dad. The only one of the three biokids who embraces biodad is...ta to guess?...yep, GFGmom. The others are polite but know in their hearts that he is a user. DDD
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I honestly know nothing about him. Well, next to nothing. A good chunk of what little I thought I knew was incorrect, I am now learning, but I guess I'm not going to judge him as an adult based on a few things he did as a teenager.

    I know that he is married to his high school sweetheart. I know he has (and has had) steady employment, as does she, and they have 2 daughters, age 20 and 18, that are good kids. I know his wife is a nurse, and a caring one. From these things, I suspect he is a decent person, so I really don't have anything negative to say about him.

    I'd almost like to call him up and discuss this with him, but he's gone to such lengths to avoid me, I'm guessing that wouldn't go well...

    I did hide him from easy child, but I never hid easy child from him.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    My son and I just had a conversation about this the other night. He is now 27. He has not spoken to or seen his bio since he was 15. He had gotten a call at his office the other day from someone with the same name and it sort of freaked him out. It wasn't bio. Bio is in the same city that son is now located in. Bio's older children are in contact with my sister and nephew. None of them have ever sought out son. Son wants closure to it all. I don't mind. Of course son is extremely confident, has done well in life, and I know it would not affect him. I feel sorry for ex---he missed out on raising a terrific young man---he has missed high school graduation, college graduation, a wedding, and the birth of two wonderful babies. His loss. easy child thinks of husband as his dad. This other guy is just someone who is out there somewhere.
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    The man contradicted himself. If he never knew you were pregnant, and you hid easy child from him, why would he stay away because of your father? What would he be staying away from and what would he be afraid of?

    I would be inclined, on one hand, to let easy child know that you did let him know you were pregnant and that you never tried to hide him from his father. I think it's important for my child to know that I wouldn't betray their trust and/or lie to them. On the other hand, it looks like this guy is going to dig his own hole, so why not let him?
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I learned a lot more today.

    I talked to some folks back home. The volunteer fire department he is/was a part of knows and has all along The woman he is married to now, he was apparently dating way back then, and SHE even knew way back then. Apparently she was worried that she might get dumped way back then...along with a few other things...

    I am still hoping this will be positive for easy child, but I guess I'm not holding my breath at this point.