advice please.....

[round & round we go]

16 almost 17 yr old difficult child is currently in custody of the department of juvenile justice for violating her probation. She will soon be sent to some kind of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in a ''camp''form almost six hours from where we live. Not sure how long she will be there but my question is in regards to her room. This child is a pure pig when it comes to her room and although I would fuss & fuss, it was never cleaned. I am talking empty dresser drawers and closet because it was easier to find things thrown on the floor. Cups with mystery fluids in them, growing enough mold/mildew to furnish all science labs with samples. (I have already thrown the cups away, eww) Anyway my question is, should I attempt to clean the room again or should I bag all the clothes up and store them in my storage shed??? The last time she was 'locked' up, her sister and I spent three days cleaning/organizing that room for her homecoming and it lasted a whole week before she put it back the way she wanted it...I have to do something as it truely stinks in there. She was not the most hygenic person and alot of the clothes on the floor are dirty but can't tell which ones were supposed to be clean or what. So please tell me, what would you do????

hoping this is the right place to put this, if not, someone let me know for future postings. Thanks & God Bless.

 

[ready2run]

i would clean it and then store everything that isn't a necessity. i'd probably leave like 5 or 6 outfits and her personal stuff like makeup and a few things that are important to her and take the rest out. she can't make a huge mess if there's nothing to mess. also, warn her ahead of time cause she's going to be mad. that's just me though, and i'm not an expert on anything. i have taken all my difficult child's belongings on more than one occasion because of him messing and not looking after his stuff and he's only 6. it doesn't help him keep it clean once he earns his stuff back(yet, i still think it will work eventually) but it sure motivates him when i tell him he has to clean or he'll lose everything again.

 

[JJJ]

I would clean it just because of the smell. I agree with Ready2run,, I would pack away most of her stuff. She can't care for it, she doesn't need it. I'd wash all the clothes first -- eeww.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi, welcome.

I would clean it, just for my own comfort level. Then, as others here said, only retn a few things to the room. The bare minimum.

with-all those messes and smells, are you sure she's not Aspie? Just saying ...

 

[susiestar]

I vote for cleaning it and getting rid of clothing you don't approve of. Then store ALL that is not a basic - mattress on floor so she cannot hide stuff under it, or not as much. Blanket and pillow and sheets, ceiling light OR lamp if no ceiling light, 7 outfits that YOU chose, 1 pr shoes. She can EARN everything else back with good behavior. No good behavior? No other stuff. Take enough away and she cannot trash the room or make it stink. You shoudl NOT have to tolerate stink in your home. ANd her being gone for a while gives you a good chance to impose some order. Her not following the rules of probation (or your house most likely) are enough of a reason to restrict her belongings.

I recommend wearing gloves and at least a paper face mask as you go through the clothes. If any were wet they may have grown mold that can be hazardous to your health. My oldest learned this - and made himself pretty sick dealing with some piles of clothing.

Have you thought about hwat you want to happen when she is released? How hard is she to live with? Usually the goal is for the child to come home, but at her age if she isn't following rules then maybe you need to think about having her go to a group home first? Not saying you should, just that you should think about that. She is close to 18 and needs to think about what seh will do as an adult, as do you. Do you intend to have her live at home after age 18? What skills can this placement teach her for living on ehr own, should you or she decide she is not coming home?

It doesn't make you a bad parent to have had enough of living iwth her behavior.

 

[round & round we go]

I have been thinking about weather I should or shoudn't let her come back home. I go from one minute not wanting the drama back in my home to not being able to just let her go.....it's truely like being on an emotional roller coaster. I do know that she will not come back into the house the same as she went out. Sleeping until late afternoon, eating, texting on her cell phone (no I do not pay for her phone, she will babysit to get just enough money to keep it on). If she can not find any friends to hang out with then she will simply go back to sleep or sit on the sofa, listening to her headphones & texting.....hardly ever helps with any cleaning, washing clothes etc. Refused to bathe on a regular basis but always managed to keep her hair washed and styled and her make up on. ...If I allow her back, there will be some strict rules and she can follow them or I will report her to probation ( she will be on probation until she finishes school which is court ordered and I am quite sure that will last until at least she is 18 or longer) As for hanging with her friends, don't see that happening as most of them have washed their hands of her and her ways. Like I said I change my mind about allowing her back hundreds of times a day. Seems either way I go,,,,their will be no winners.

As for the room, I managed to sort clean clothes from the dirty ones and sorting through the ''hoochie'' outfits while I was doing it(those were thrown away). Thats as far as I have gotten but plan on working on it a little at a time. I had to take my oldest daughter for her ultrasound.....it's gonna be a girl : ). Guess there is always a little sunshine in every cloudy day if we look hard enough.

 

[BusynMember]

Is your daughter using drugs?

I ask because it seems her problems started in middle school and t hat's the time MY daughter started using drugs. It was all downhill from there. And she also slept most of the day while staying all almost all night. Since she has quit, she told me she took the drugs when we were asleep and was up all night from the meth, then she crashed during the day. But she DID quit. If it's drugs, there is hope.

 

[round & round we go]

Is your daughter using drugs?

I ask because it seems her problems started in middle school and t hat's the time MY daughter started using drugs. It was all downhill from there. And she also slept most of the day while staying all almost all night. Since she has quit, she told me she took the drugs when we were asleep and was up all night from the meth, then she crashed during the day. But she DID quit. If it's drugs, there is hope.

Before she was sent to juvenile jail the first time, about a year and a half ago. she admitted to using pot on a daily basis, drinking when she was out and taking adhd drugs that she would get at school from others....the pull to get her hands on that pot and whatever else she was using was enough to make her fight grown people to get out of the house. I once even had a school resource officer call and ask me to come get her because he couldnt do anything with her and I had just left his office ten minutes before....she had him backed up in a corner, cussing him and yelling. Long story short she ended up getting sent off by the courts and once she came home she was on probation including required drug testing and always came out clean....After her probation ended it seemed that she went down hill again and I can not honestly say that she is not doing drugs again even though she swears she isn't. Her word is worth nothing other than the oxygen she used up saying it....They tested her for drugs once she was taken into custody and she was clean so maybe she was telling the truth. I honestly think she has some deep mental problem that so far none of the counselors have been able to pinpoint. I have even taken her to the only child pysh. doctor we have around here several times and she even manages to sidestep him. She's been held on suicide watches/ mental health holds on a couple of times and still no help.
I have hope that she will change her ways before she turns 17 which will be next month because after that she will be goin to grown up jail. Maybe that is what she needs to wake up and make the changes she needs to but it sure is hard on me and the rest of our family standing by letting her go down this path.

 

[exhausted]

Hope is a good thing. We cannot loose that. But, I am concerned that if your daughter has been put on suicide watch etc. she most likely has some sort of mental problems. Unaddressed, she is not going to go down the right path. In all honesty, the JJ system avoids diagnosing or truelly dealing with these. Many of their PO, judges atc. are sadely undertrained (at least in my state). They also don't want to deal with it because it is costly to get to the right treatment (which when drugs are or have been an issue is a dual diagnostic placement).

Our girl is currently in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) which teaches specialized skills related to her mental illness as well as addressing drug use as a coping mechanism. We have had to fight tooth and nail to get her there. She is the same age as your girl. We went the private Residential Treatment Center (RTC) route first which made things worse because they did not address the mental health issues in a way that was appropriate for her illness. When the Juvenile justice system sent her for a 45 day assessment-you can't believe the shoddy job they did in identifying her mental illness. They did not even follow court orders to do a medication evaluation. In fact we had trouble even getting them to follow her medication regiment. Privately, the director told me where our gilr was headed if she did not recieve the appropriate treament and that we would need her in a secure fascility in order for this to take place. He even gave me advise on how to get the system to get her there. It took 3 months, but we did it.

It's your girl's last chance-when she hits 18 it will be hell because your control will be almost 0. I would fight for an evaluation. I would fight for the right treatment. I don't know the program where she is going, but a short Residential Treatment Center (RTC) camp is usually not very good at addressing mental health. Can you ask the PO to help you get an assessment? At the very least her behaviors have depression sysmptoms.

I have many of the same feelings you have expressed. It's so hard to know what is the right decision. Hang in there and enjoy your other children while you can. Hugs