Advice please

[carolanne]

My gfgd Jessica has moved into her first apt with twit(that is his name around here but not when I speak with her) from the group home she lived in. They have it all set up and are on welfare as long as both attend school full time and look for part time work.

My question is.....what to do about Christmas? I would like to see her but figure twit will come with. The problem is twit has threatened me on several occasions through email....to rape me with a chair, cut my head off with hedge clippers and to shove my little boy back where he came from....ugh!

Can I invite her without him? Or do I just arrange to visit their place for a very short period and drop off gift? By the way, she gave me a list of what they would like and I am only giving them a microwave so there might be fireworks over that...

I am not fine with her living this way or with him but it's her life and every time I speak with her I keep telling myself that in my head....it's her life not mine....

Carolanne

 

[WhymeMom?]

If he has threatened you I would not let them in your home. Guess I would arrange to meet difficult child without twit or if she isn't willing to do that say that you are not comfortable being near twit. They aren't married are they? If not, then you have no obligation to be around him or give him a gift, even one that difficult child daughter could let him use. I think I would keep the gift to something strictly for her. All this is said with the thought that they will eventually part ways....it would not be a peace building thing to do. If you think she will cut off contact with you over this snub of twit then you may just give microwave, but I still wouldn't let them in your home....just my 2 cents....

 

[Sheila]

I wouldn't want this guy in my home (nor around my children if I could get out of it). Inviting difficult child home for Christmas, but not inviting him would probably cause a major rift.

I'd buy the MW on-line and have it mailed to them -- even if they lived 2 blocks away.

If you want a Christmas visit with-difficult child, I'd arrange a lunch or dinner at a busy restaurant, e.g., very public place. Safety in numbers -- and if the situation were to deteriorate, you have a better chance of gathering your family and leaving without a big scene.

It'd be a take-it-or-leave it deal. In these type situations, I draw very clear boundary lines.

 

[meowbunny]

Has your daughter ever seen these emails or even know about them? He's a bit more than a twit, he's dangerous and more than likely has or will abuse your daughter. I'd be letting her know these are coming to you. I'd also be letting the police know of these threats and getting a restraining order.

I also vote that you get your daughter something very personal to her and go out for dinner. It really does sound like it would be dangerous to be in contact with the twit.

 

[jbrain]

I agree wholeheartedly with Meowbunny. Also, I just posted a response to Masta's question about Christmas gifts and told about how my dtr abandoned her apt. last year with all the nice stuff I had gotten her for Christmas, including a microwave. I doubt very much your dtr will take care of anything you get her and it might end up with Twit if they split up.
--Jane

 

[Skylark Matrix]

What a difficult situation you are in, (and the many of the rest of us with Christmas coming). I most definately would not fill the "christmas wish list", no way. Buy what you want to buy and do make is just for your daughter. If you want to get a microwave, his share of the gift will be that she cooks some wonderful meal in there and lets him eat it. A word of caution though --- the more we hate the boyfriends the more attractive they are to the difficult child. This one does seem dangerous, so I don't know what you can do. WE have hated some too, but recently we have become more "accepting" and usually they vanish easier.

 

[Hound dog]

I would invite difficult child, but make certain she knows the invitation does NOT extend to twit. There is no law that says you're required to invite your child's current boyfriend to a holiday meal.

If she doesn't want to come if he can't..... Arrange to meet her at a nice restaurant, without twit, and enjoy a meal together and give her whatever presents you may have.

If it were me, I'd not let him in my house or have anything at all to do with him. Period. If difficult child had a problem with it, too bad.

(((hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

I would have showed the e-mails to the police.
I would never invite him to the house. He sounds deranged.

 

[witzend]

She sent you a list? If you really want to get her something, drop it by her house. People who care about you don't associate with people who threaten you. This doesn't mean that you don't care about her, it means she doesn't care about you. If you invite her, she will bring him.

The right thing to do is to pass those e-mails along to the police. Better your daughter needs a new roommate than she lives with a maniac.

 

[KFld]

Maybe you could print out the emails and sent them to him in a nice xmas card :smile:

Then invite her to dinner and if she wants to know why twit isn't invited, tell her to see his xmas card!!

I could not stand my difficult child's ex girlfriend. I called her wingnut. I had nothing to do with her for 1 1/2 now and when they were still together, I never invited her to anything. I was fortunate enough that difficult child knew exactly why I couldn't stand her and never pushed the issue. He always made time to spend with me, without her.

I wouldn't even waste my thoughts on what to do or buy him for xmas. Hopefully your difficult child has enough respect for you to understand why you wouldn't want to have anything to do with him, and will honor your wishes to spend some time with just her around the holidays.

 

[carolanne]

difficult child knows about the threats as they were made through HER email but she chooses to make excuses for him..."he was only kidding, didn't mean it, was sick that day" etc etc etc. I did contact the police and they were kind enough to go to twit's school and warn him about uttering threats. Then I got a call from difficult child because twit "supposedly" tried to kill himself and was in the hospital and she was beside herself trying to figure out why I would send the police and it went on and on and on.

I have decided that I will find a cheapie microwave and drop it off during xmas week along with invite for difficult child only for xmas day dinner. She knows how I feel about twit but thinks I am in the wrong.

I find twit to be mentally abusive....she's tried to end it several times but he threatens to kill himself and I have started to notice he is isolating her....even worse now they live together and have no phone.

Detach detach detach has become my mantra these days. Oh for the days of little hands, hugs and booboos that could be kissed away.....sigh....
:tissue:
Carolanne

 

[hearts and roses]

{{Carolanne}}

You've rightfully decided to do what is in everyone's best interest without cutting your ties to daughter. That is commendable. Heartbreaking as it is, you must protect yourself and put up healthy boundaries.

Hugs~

 

[ScentofCedar]

I haven't read through the rest of the threads yet, so it may be that I will be duplicating the things the others have told you already, Carolanne.

Unless you can convince her to come away for lunch with you, you are going to have to miss Christmas with this daughter this year.

The male this daughter has chosen does not sound mentally stable.

I think it is very important that you not support this relationship in any way.

I know how little control we have over the males our daughters engage with.

But we CAN tell them how strongly we disapprove.

We CAN tell them they were raised better than this ~ and we can tell them that we will not support them in any abusive relationship ~ ever.

You can (and probably should) tell your daughter that your feelings regarding this male are nothing personal ~that you would feel the same about any bully ~ because that is what those who terrorize and threaten others are.

Bullies.

And every bully is nothing more than a coward at heart ~ a scared little kid with a mean streak.

Keep the numbers of women's shelters with you so that you can give them to your daughter at a moment's notice if you need to.

I am sorry this is happening to you and to your daughter, Carol Anne ~ but there is no sense in pretending daughter is not in a dangerous situation.

Isn't there some law against sending threatening e mails?

If there is?

Press charges.

Barbara

 

[ScentofCedar]

I wanted to add that we need to look at our children's addictions to abusive relationahips the same way we look at our children's addictions to drugs or anything else that is harmful for them.

There is a cost for daughter to be in love with, and feel responsible for, someone like the male she has chosen.

if the cost becomes high enough, she will leave him before she has children with him.

Because that is surely what is coming next.

Barbara

 

[carolanne]

Barbara, unfortunately, in the beginning of my own marriage, I was the one mentally abused, the one hubby kept isolated and alone, married to a bully....why? Because that is what I grew up with and thought was normal.

When we moved into our house back in 96, I met a neighbour who had been through the same thing. With her though, she worked up the courage and threw him out and made the kind of life she wanted. And she gave me the courage to do the same thing.

Hubby and I seperated for a while, than sought counselling. He was also diagnosed and started medications....it took a long time but I now have a stable marriage with a supportive hubby.

Unfortunately, gfgd saw/heard a lot when she was little and now I am ashamed that I taught my daughter, in the beginning, that it's acceptable to be treated that way.

I can only offer her support and the knowledge that she is worth so much more, that my door is open when and if she needs me. I don't voice my opinion of twit when talking with her either...I keep it to myself.

I've offered to pay the fees for a phone to be installed and the first two months worth of bills....that gives me some small comfort that she will have a phone now. I just wish I had learned a long time ago and maybe she wouldn't be where she is now....

Carolanne

 

[susiestar]

Carolanne,

As I understand your post, you DID teach your daughter it is unacceptable to treat your spouse abusively. You got HELP. You kicked him out until HE got help. It does no one any good to pretend that the bad things didn't happen, but it does even less good to keep beating yourself up over them.

When you knew you could do better, you did. Now you need to realize that continuing to beat yourself up is not healthy. You did the best you could. Making your husband leave, and then working to repair the relationship when you saw he got help, that is courage.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Teri (AKA goingcrazy2)]

I agree with the others in NOT inviting twit to your home. He sounds like a dangerous individual. As well, I would print out the e-mails and report to the police and his caseworker (he should have one if he is in a group home no?)

difficult child sounds as is she feels very entitled, giving you a Christmas list. I also would not buy her anything major, if they break up who knows who will end up with it. A microwave is nice if you want to give that to her, but as for the other stuff, I wouldn't give her much else.

If she won't come without twit, that is her loss, I would let her know she is welcome to come share with the family and leave the choice up to her.