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Advice Re: Grandson
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 169990" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>He's 4 - </p><p> </p><p>In the eyes of what he must have had to live through in order to survive and his ill-conceived self-taught coping skills? He's going to need therapy NOW and for a long time to help you help him change the way his brain got mapped out so that he could survive. </p><p> </p><p>In short - the honeymoon is over - and he's testing boundaries. He's four - before he was not the center of ANYONES world. He was basically abandoned. After a while he's gotten used to it. Then along comes some people that pay him ALL the adult attention, love and kindness ANYONE could possibly give. AND HE WAS a doll.....it was new, it was exciting to be someone's somebody - and when you went into the car dealer - to him it was - There's Mom, There's Dad - here is ME and now there is an adult to share MY MY MY attention - NOOOOOO SIR - I'm not loosing that - and BAM - he did attention seeking skills the best he knew how to do for a 4 year old, and it worked didn't it? </p><p> </p><p>It got YOU to talk to him. It got YOU to go outside ALONE with him - he didn't care if it was hot - HE wanted YOUR attention. And the OW OW OW - ? Probably the ONLY time his father paid any attention to him at all is when he yelled OW - </p><p> </p><p>He's clever for 4 - and he dug into "HIS" 4 year old bag of tricks to figure out quickly HOW to slant that much wanted attention BACK to him. </p><p> </p><p>You, me, and the whole adult world look at this through the eyes of people who have grown and learned coping skills. To us - it's more of a treat NOT to be the center of attention and addoration - and we KNOW how to shift the focus somewhere else to get that achieved. At 4 - he's got a smaller bag of tricks, and they aren't GOOD tricks - they are survival mode, basic raw emotion type tricks. A good therapist can work with him NOW to start to help him learn HOW to get attention the proper way. How to KEEP that love that he's SO afraid of loosing without being a difficult child. And we would think - that after a little 4 year life of NOT having it so great - that once he gets to a home where there are lights, love, it's clean, food, bathing, attention, toys, clean clothes, rules, boundaries - and people who have HIS best interest first that THIS would be enough to make ANYONE at ANY age - go "Huh - I love this - I'm not going to do anything to mess this up." </p><p> </p><p>But he can't. He's a damaged child, with poor coping skills - that he's taught himself and he needs IMVHO professional direction and you will too - to assist him in what is NORMAL, GOOD, and will make you all happy. </p><p> </p><p>I'm not pro-pills at his age, but I'm pro-play therapy and CBT therapy if he's going to have a chance. Other wise his foundation for learning EVERYTHING you want to teach him that is good - is going to be built on a foundation of what he learned from his Mother and Father - AND he's got to deal with even at 4 - that his Mom and Dad are very damaged and can't raise him. So his life IS going to be different than other kids and he's got that to deal with as well and may never say anything but at 4 - he knows. How do you help him deal with it? Again - therapist? </p><p> </p><p>I think telling him you're not happy with his behavior is excellent. I think giving him examples of HOW he should behave the next time you go out is great. </p><p> </p><p>I think having a place for him to go to get the built up anger and pent up rage he's certainly suffered from - would be very good idea. </p><p> </p><p>Even angels need guidance Mom - </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 169990, member: 4964"] He's 4 - In the eyes of what he must have had to live through in order to survive and his ill-conceived self-taught coping skills? He's going to need therapy NOW and for a long time to help you help him change the way his brain got mapped out so that he could survive. In short - the honeymoon is over - and he's testing boundaries. He's four - before he was not the center of ANYONES world. He was basically abandoned. After a while he's gotten used to it. Then along comes some people that pay him ALL the adult attention, love and kindness ANYONE could possibly give. AND HE WAS a doll.....it was new, it was exciting to be someone's somebody - and when you went into the car dealer - to him it was - There's Mom, There's Dad - here is ME and now there is an adult to share MY MY MY attention - NOOOOOO SIR - I'm not loosing that - and BAM - he did attention seeking skills the best he knew how to do for a 4 year old, and it worked didn't it? It got YOU to talk to him. It got YOU to go outside ALONE with him - he didn't care if it was hot - HE wanted YOUR attention. And the OW OW OW - ? Probably the ONLY time his father paid any attention to him at all is when he yelled OW - He's clever for 4 - and he dug into "HIS" 4 year old bag of tricks to figure out quickly HOW to slant that much wanted attention BACK to him. You, me, and the whole adult world look at this through the eyes of people who have grown and learned coping skills. To us - it's more of a treat NOT to be the center of attention and addoration - and we KNOW how to shift the focus somewhere else to get that achieved. At 4 - he's got a smaller bag of tricks, and they aren't GOOD tricks - they are survival mode, basic raw emotion type tricks. A good therapist can work with him NOW to start to help him learn HOW to get attention the proper way. How to KEEP that love that he's SO afraid of loosing without being a difficult child. And we would think - that after a little 4 year life of NOT having it so great - that once he gets to a home where there are lights, love, it's clean, food, bathing, attention, toys, clean clothes, rules, boundaries - and people who have HIS best interest first that THIS would be enough to make ANYONE at ANY age - go "Huh - I love this - I'm not going to do anything to mess this up." But he can't. He's a damaged child, with poor coping skills - that he's taught himself and he needs IMVHO professional direction and you will too - to assist him in what is NORMAL, GOOD, and will make you all happy. I'm not pro-pills at his age, but I'm pro-play therapy and CBT therapy if he's going to have a chance. Other wise his foundation for learning EVERYTHING you want to teach him that is good - is going to be built on a foundation of what he learned from his Mother and Father - AND he's got to deal with even at 4 - that his Mom and Dad are very damaged and can't raise him. So his life IS going to be different than other kids and he's got that to deal with as well and may never say anything but at 4 - he knows. How do you help him deal with it? Again - therapist? I think telling him you're not happy with his behavior is excellent. I think giving him examples of HOW he should behave the next time you go out is great. I think having a place for him to go to get the built up anger and pent up rage he's certainly suffered from - would be very good idea. Even angels need guidance Mom - Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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Advice Re: Grandson
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