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Advice - should we call the cops and report an assault at school?
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 427623" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>Well it's been a long day here and I'm not sure how I feel about everything I learned today but it's been educational.</p><p> </p><p>Here's the way it looks now:</p><p> </p><p>The back story to the choking is that this is a "game". The boy who choked my son plays this game with one of the other boys who was at the table along with a few other boys on campus. Apparently this game involves one kid choking another one and the one being choked is supposed to "tap out" like they do in wrestling when the one who is in a hold signals he's giving in.</p><p> </p><p>The principal and I figured this out while we were talking to difficult child about what happened. This is the context for the other kid choking mine. We think the other kid thought my son understood this "rule" and knew to tap out when he started to pass out. But my son didn't know the rule and even if he had known it he said he wouldn't have done it.</p><p> </p><p>I have to tell you - my kid can be soooo smart sometimes it just blows me away.</p><p> </p><p>He had trouble figuring out how to say it but he managed to make it clear that he understood that this was making the victim participate in their victimization. Except, of course, these kids don't see it as victimization because they "all do it" to each other. It's more like a game of chicken played with choke holds. (Sometimes I am amazed that the human race has survived all these years when I see the absolutely suicidal things our kids do together and to each other.)</p><p> </p><p>Back to the story here.</p><p> </p><p>So the boys were playing cards. D, a boy who's friends with R (the choker) started teasing R about his speech impediment. difficult child says he imitated D and said one word in a distorted way. There is disagreement on how much and when R told the boys at the table to stop making fun of him. He says he told them several times before he choked difficult child. difficult child says he only said it once at the same time that difficult child mocked his speech. Given difficult child's stellar social skills, I am guess that R was telegraphing non-verbally and verbally that he wanted the teasing to stop but difficult child was oblivious.</p><p> </p><p>I also think my difficult child was trying to fit in and get along. He seems to have decided that since D was teasing R that it must be OK for him to do the same thing.</p><p> </p><p>None of the other kids tried to stop the choking because they all understood the rules of the game. difficult child did not and is so stubborn he probably wouldn't have tapped out even if he had known the rules. No way is he giving in to someone else that way.</p><p> </p><p>When difficult child passed out none of them knew what to do but I suspect they all knew they were about to be in trouble. No one went for help or did anything to help him. When difficult child woke up a girl he knows who's also a freshman had come over to see what was going on. I'm not clear on the exact timing but difficult child regained consciousness and this girl was there. She wanted to know what happened and he told her. She told him he should go tell someone so he got up and went looking for an adult.</p><p> </p><p>By the time he found someone it had been maybe 10 minutes (no one is sure of course) since he'd regained consciousness. The office was closed and there was only one teacher and the principal on campus. He found the Special Education teacher (the one who was telling him how the bathrooms were dangerous). She brought him to the office and had him call me. The woman was either in shock or she has the common sense of a spoon. She didn't think to call 911. She didn't think to even call me herself - instead told my son to call me. She didn't try to make difficult child give her the phone when he was refusing to tell me what was going on. She blathered on about the bathrooms to a kid who is already on the paranoid side. Nice lady but NOT someone I want along with me in a crisis.</p><p> </p><p>I pointedly told the principal that I felt that 911 should have been called and my son checked for injuries. She said she didn't do that because it was clear difficult child had been walking around just fine for at least 10-15 minutes by the time she got involved and she really didn't know what had happened except that difficult child was upset. I told her I realized it was a judgment call but that I didn't agree with her on that point. I told her that ER took my son in immediately when they had heard the reason he was there and they had told him/me that he could have been very seriously hurt and that some problems can take a little while to show up (like swelling of the esophagus) and that it wasn't safe to assume he was OK like that. The principal thanked me for that info and said she understood my concerns. She didn't exactly promise to do it differently in the future but that was implied.</p><p> </p><p>She had talked to the school resource officer - there's one cop for every 3 or 4 middle and senior highs. He told her that my son should be punished for bullying the other boy and that, if we chose to file a police report, this fact would diminish the seriousness of the accusations from law enforcement's point of view.</p><p> </p><p>So she suspended my son for 1 day for bullying. The other kid is out for the week and she said he will be back next week barring any other new information.</p><p> </p><p>She said she couldn't counsel me about whether to make a police report. She said the other boy was very remorseful and said he knows what he did was wrong. He offered to apologize to my son but the principal said not now - maybe later.</p><p> </p><p>She told my son that she was telling the other boy the same thing - they needed to leave each other alone. That's the other thing that we found out today. difficult child and R have been bullying each other back and forth ever since difficult child started school there in November. So this was not an isolated incident as it first seemed to be.</p><p> </p><p>The principal said that they were taking this very seriously about 6 times at least. But she also said that R will be back to school and that difficult child and R need to stay away from each other. If there is another incident of violence between them then the consequences will go to a new level since they have both been warned.</p><p> </p><p>He blustered through most of the meeting and spent a lot of time whining/perseverating about how everything bad always happened to him ever since he was a baby. I pointed out that if he hadn't teased the other kid he wouldn't have gotten hurt when he was whining about how he hadn't done anything wrong and the other kid D was doing it too.</p><p> </p><p>I took him to the police station and we filed a report because his probation officer said that we needed to do that. Pretty much took the decision out of my hands. But the cop who took the report said he was filing it as an information only report. He seemed to think it was NOT a big deal that my son had been choked to unconsciousness. He and my son had this chat about how it takes about 20 seconds to make someone pass out that way. The cop had just done a training about that last week and they had all had to do it to each other in the training. He said you don't pass out very long - just long enough for a cop to get cuffs on you. He gave my son a very brief lecture on not letting his mouth get him in trouble and told him that it would get easier to do that as he got older.</p><p> </p><p>I am going to bed now. I am so tired and I still have so much work to do tomorrow cause you know all this drama took up my whole day.</p><p> </p><p>I'll post some more tomorrow if I get a chance.</p><p> </p><p>Thanks for all the input.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 427623, member: 11920"] Well it's been a long day here and I'm not sure how I feel about everything I learned today but it's been educational. Here's the way it looks now: The back story to the choking is that this is a "game". The boy who choked my son plays this game with one of the other boys who was at the table along with a few other boys on campus. Apparently this game involves one kid choking another one and the one being choked is supposed to "tap out" like they do in wrestling when the one who is in a hold signals he's giving in. The principal and I figured this out while we were talking to difficult child about what happened. This is the context for the other kid choking mine. We think the other kid thought my son understood this "rule" and knew to tap out when he started to pass out. But my son didn't know the rule and even if he had known it he said he wouldn't have done it. I have to tell you - my kid can be soooo smart sometimes it just blows me away. He had trouble figuring out how to say it but he managed to make it clear that he understood that this was making the victim participate in their victimization. Except, of course, these kids don't see it as victimization because they "all do it" to each other. It's more like a game of chicken played with choke holds. (Sometimes I am amazed that the human race has survived all these years when I see the absolutely suicidal things our kids do together and to each other.) Back to the story here. So the boys were playing cards. D, a boy who's friends with R (the choker) started teasing R about his speech impediment. difficult child says he imitated D and said one word in a distorted way. There is disagreement on how much and when R told the boys at the table to stop making fun of him. He says he told them several times before he choked difficult child. difficult child says he only said it once at the same time that difficult child mocked his speech. Given difficult child's stellar social skills, I am guess that R was telegraphing non-verbally and verbally that he wanted the teasing to stop but difficult child was oblivious. I also think my difficult child was trying to fit in and get along. He seems to have decided that since D was teasing R that it must be OK for him to do the same thing. None of the other kids tried to stop the choking because they all understood the rules of the game. difficult child did not and is so stubborn he probably wouldn't have tapped out even if he had known the rules. No way is he giving in to someone else that way. When difficult child passed out none of them knew what to do but I suspect they all knew they were about to be in trouble. No one went for help or did anything to help him. When difficult child woke up a girl he knows who's also a freshman had come over to see what was going on. I'm not clear on the exact timing but difficult child regained consciousness and this girl was there. She wanted to know what happened and he told her. She told him he should go tell someone so he got up and went looking for an adult. By the time he found someone it had been maybe 10 minutes (no one is sure of course) since he'd regained consciousness. The office was closed and there was only one teacher and the principal on campus. He found the Special Education teacher (the one who was telling him how the bathrooms were dangerous). She brought him to the office and had him call me. The woman was either in shock or she has the common sense of a spoon. She didn't think to call 911. She didn't think to even call me herself - instead told my son to call me. She didn't try to make difficult child give her the phone when he was refusing to tell me what was going on. She blathered on about the bathrooms to a kid who is already on the paranoid side. Nice lady but NOT someone I want along with me in a crisis. I pointedly told the principal that I felt that 911 should have been called and my son checked for injuries. She said she didn't do that because it was clear difficult child had been walking around just fine for at least 10-15 minutes by the time she got involved and she really didn't know what had happened except that difficult child was upset. I told her I realized it was a judgment call but that I didn't agree with her on that point. I told her that ER took my son in immediately when they had heard the reason he was there and they had told him/me that he could have been very seriously hurt and that some problems can take a little while to show up (like swelling of the esophagus) and that it wasn't safe to assume he was OK like that. The principal thanked me for that info and said she understood my concerns. She didn't exactly promise to do it differently in the future but that was implied. She had talked to the school resource officer - there's one cop for every 3 or 4 middle and senior highs. He told her that my son should be punished for bullying the other boy and that, if we chose to file a police report, this fact would diminish the seriousness of the accusations from law enforcement's point of view. So she suspended my son for 1 day for bullying. The other kid is out for the week and she said he will be back next week barring any other new information. She said she couldn't counsel me about whether to make a police report. She said the other boy was very remorseful and said he knows what he did was wrong. He offered to apologize to my son but the principal said not now - maybe later. She told my son that she was telling the other boy the same thing - they needed to leave each other alone. That's the other thing that we found out today. difficult child and R have been bullying each other back and forth ever since difficult child started school there in November. So this was not an isolated incident as it first seemed to be. The principal said that they were taking this very seriously about 6 times at least. But she also said that R will be back to school and that difficult child and R need to stay away from each other. If there is another incident of violence between them then the consequences will go to a new level since they have both been warned. He blustered through most of the meeting and spent a lot of time whining/perseverating about how everything bad always happened to him ever since he was a baby. I pointed out that if he hadn't teased the other kid he wouldn't have gotten hurt when he was whining about how he hadn't done anything wrong and the other kid D was doing it too. I took him to the police station and we filed a report because his probation officer said that we needed to do that. Pretty much took the decision out of my hands. But the cop who took the report said he was filing it as an information only report. He seemed to think it was NOT a big deal that my son had been choked to unconsciousness. He and my son had this chat about how it takes about 20 seconds to make someone pass out that way. The cop had just done a training about that last week and they had all had to do it to each other in the training. He said you don't pass out very long - just long enough for a cop to get cuffs on you. He gave my son a very brief lecture on not letting his mouth get him in trouble and told him that it would get easier to do that as he got older. I am going to bed now. I am so tired and I still have so much work to do tomorrow cause you know all this drama took up my whole day. I'll post some more tomorrow if I get a chance. Thanks for all the input. 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Advice - should we call the cops and report an assault at school?
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