I have spent the entire day feeling guilty, worthless and filled with profound regret that I didn't tell you I loved you before you blocked us on FB.
Regreat that you might be dead, or that I would never speak to you again and you wouldn't know I love you.
Most days, as the day goes on, I move from regret and worthlessness to anger, but my first thought, every morning, is you. My thoughts even before I wake up are of you.
Are you all right? Where are you sleeping? Are you warm? Are you hungry? Are you safe?
What do you think of when you first wake up in the morning?
When is the last time you thought of us at all, once we told you we wouldn't send you money? Once you told me I was evil? Once you told me we would never know if you lived or died?
Do you regret that?
Do you regret telling your sister to consider you dead?
Do you feel wronged by us, or do you just not think of us at all?
Alb, I had to quote the whole post because there wasn't a button to express how your post made me feel. This is beautiful...so very very pure, so very true. It seems as though it is just floated out there into the universe...not a question, not an answer, not a comment...just a mom's heart in pain. Your questions are so real, so valid. We have all had them. This is a very pure version of a mother's heart.
He said, "It's funny, but when I'm out here...I can't talk freely because there are a couple of other guys here...but when I'm out here I'm not...I can't do that, not as much. I don't know where my next meal's coming from, I don't know where I'm going to sleep, but God's good to me when my life is like this, Mom. I need to live like this. I don't know why, but I do."
I love love love that he trusted you with this. This seems huge to me. He knows what he needs right now. It doesn't mean he will need this forever, or maybe he will, but he can see himself clearly right now, in this moment, and he understands what he needs. And he trusted you enough to share that with you. And you love him enough to hear him.
Then he said, "Don't worry about me, Mom. I'm fine. I'm where I want to be. This is where I'm happy." I was pretty choked up and said, "Thank you for telling me that." He said, "I love you guys," I said, "We love you too," and that was it.
This was very generous of him, and very real. How amazing that you got to share that moment. We don't always get that moment of purity, of shared love, even with our less difficult kids (lol note I said LESS difficult, as far as I know none of them are easy!). You will always have that moment. Hold it close. Fix it in your mind and heart. You had a beautiful moment with your son, as sad and poignant as it might be.
What I mean by this is that this is the space of deep pain which can be transcended into acceptance. The way I see it is that the illusion of happily every after with most of our Difficult Child's may not ever exist. But what does and is real are the times of love shared. Those are just ever bit as real as the moments of anger or sheer terror.
Yes, this is what I feel as well. Those moments of love, like the one Alb just had, are just as legitimate, just as much a part of the story. It is not all bad and sad.
Transcending deep pain into acceptance...I went to a week long silent retreat a few years ago (that was an amazing event, I'm still not sure how I pulled that off). Thich Nhat Hahn was the host, and he spoke every day...the theme was suffering well. He said that if you learn to suffer well you suffer less. Part of the the message was to stop fighting suffering stop pushing it away..that just makes it fight harder, try harder take you down longer. If you let suffering roll through you, roll with you, and follow it, stay with it...you can come out the other side, transcend it as you said, stronger, better. Accepting. Whole.
Actually as I reread this you could replace "suffering" with "Difficult Child". If you stop fighting Difficult Child, stop pushing them, stop making them fight harder and try harder to take you down...if you roll with them, stay with them where they are, we might all come out the other side.
How is that for optimistic lol???
It even felt as if he was letting me off the hook,
Yes, Alb, my friend. I think he was letting you off the hook. My son did that with me. It is very very sad, and yet right. It feels right. I am so glad he could do that for you. I bet he meant it too.
I can't stand the person I've become. I want to be different, to do it differently somehow, but I don't know how.
I know this feeling well..but I am so surprised to see it in your post, Alb! I love the person you are becoming! You are leading the examined life. You are aspiring. You are considering, reflecting, feeling. You are a work in progress. The examined life.
I also think letting go comes in waves and that layers are peeled away and I always feel worse as I'm adjusting to a deeper knowledge.
My sister, who really served to a great extent as my mother, told me once (in reference to marriage, but it applies here too) that the gates to greater intimacy are guarded by dragons, and that we have to do battle with them to get through to the next, deeper, calmer, better spot. I have found that to be true, both in my important relationships, and also in my relationship to myself, as I learn to see myself over and over again, to reflect on who I am, to try to be better, to try to understand. There be dragons .
Alb you did us all well by posting this story, be eliciting the responses from our wise and loving friends on the forum. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable by sharing. We are holding you close. I am holding you in my heart.
Echo
