Advise Please From Wise Parents

[Albatross]

The friend of a friend of a friend who can see his FB page showed me his post. He really did go on this trip. I can't handle this anymore.

 

[RN0441]

Ugh

Can you possibly put it out of your mind so you can get some rest and have some peace this weekend and not think about it all the time?

I know how hard this is but this isn't good for you and won't do son any good either.

Do you see a therapist for yourself?

(((Hugs)))

 

[Copabanana]

he knows there is danger in being out in the wilds at altitude in the winter, even WITH proper equipment, but with no tent and no gear?

Albatross. It is not winter yet, is it? And you do not know really where he is. My son has said he was places (in States) where he never set one foot.

I do not have fingers and toes to count the times he was going to: Montana, the High Sierras, Maine, Colorado, Washington, Oregon (he lied and said he was their homeless in Eugene. I asked him what it looked like: Lots of trees. Yeah right.

I truly believe all of this is in the main for shock value. Even if he is outside now, which I am not sure I believe, he will go inside when it gets colder. I believe this.

The question I have is this: What does it gratify in these sons, to torture us this way?

I asked my son why he was so mean to me for so long. He answered: It was myself I did not like. It was easier to turn it against you. I always loved you. It was myself I did not like.

I am quite angry at them, all of them. What a chickenxxx way to respond to love. Your crime? To love your son with all of your heart and soul and to fear for him.

 

[mof]

Our love seems to mess it all up doesn't it.

So sorry....but I agree...who knows if he ever even left on this trip yet...or its just something he's dreaming up.

They know what they can handle...and seem to know how to take care of themselves.

Hugs and breathe...Truly...whAt can you do?

 

[Albatross]

Our love seems to mess it all up doesn't it.

Truthfully, painfully, yes, it does.

I was ok yesterday. I really was. I was ok with telling him we would not be sending food, or money for food, when he is capable of supporting himself.

Today a friend who still has access to his FB page asked me about a post he put up yesterday afternoon. (I cannot see his posts because he blocked us.) In the post he said he was leaving last night to hike the Continental Divide Trail and asked for food to be sent to general delivery of a post office 200+ miles along the trail.

That is what floored me. I thought he was lying when he told me about the hike. I did not think he was going on any trip at all. I thought this was a ploy for money.

Hearing about the post set me back, rocked me back to my core, because it seemed he was telling the truth after all, and I didn't believe him. I couldn't live with myself for that.

I know the score as far as all the times he lied and I DID believe him, but still...I couldn't live with myself if I didn't believe a truth and something bad happened to him.

I cried all the way home from work tonight.

Then I checked with another friend of a friend...in this case, actually a friend of a friend of a friend...who as it happens knows firsthand what is going on.

My son is not hiking. He has no intention of hiking a dangerous trail at high altitude in late fall, nor did he ever intend to do so.

He is meeting a mutual acquaintance and they will hitchhike together to Oregon, via the town with the request for general delivery of food.

Not that hitching isn't dangerous enough...but he is not hiking. His post and his messages to me are not true. He is just ramping up the drama.

I don't know why he would say such things. I can't begin to fathom it.

I would have helped him with food anyway, if he was sober and moving toward a goal. There aren't many times in our lives we can travel and see the world like this. If he was traveling under his own steam, I would have helped him. It is as much an education as college in many ways.

Why did he have to lie about it?

I still feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with this crazy-making behavior. I can't invest in it, but I have no choice. There is nothing to hold onto, yet I grab on with both hands. There is nobody on the other end, even though it means all to me. If it was a spouse or a boyfriend, I could just call him a )$#&RD and move on. But I can't, because this is my child.

How do we begin to reconcile this?

I was ok when I didn't know.

Yes, sometimes our love seems to mess it all up.

 

[New Leaf]

Albie, dear sweet Albie, I am sorry for this........it is a sad fact that our beloveds struggle with their lives and choices and seem to have nary a thought or care that what they do or say affects us so.

Usually hubs is quicker to defend son than me, but hubs is furious. Hubs says son doesn't appreciate anyone else's feelings and is only capable of seeing his own. Hubs says son needs to take control of his life

So true and wise.

I worry about his mental health. I really do. But the timing of all of this seems so calculated. I would hate to be wrong about not believing him, but this seems quite orchestrated.

It certainly seems calculated and in reading your first few posts on this thread, son is good (like most of our d cs) at ramping it up to get a reaction and response.
What I have learned is that my kids change their minds and stories on a dime, while I fret and worry over the latest news, they are off to the next thing.
Take a deep breath, go for a walk, do something kind for yourself.

she said "you need time to heal"

So true, for all of us. Time to heal. Our kids will do what they will do. No matter what our reaction, they will live as they choose. The level of drama is mind boggling and heart wrenching.
I have found, especially of late, that in order to preserve my own sanity, I just can't go there anymore. It is too, too hard and stressful. So, I am working on moving towards acceptance that this is the life of their choosing, and when they tire of it, hopefully they will choose differently. The only thing I have control of is my reaction.

so now I'm living like Steinbeck,"

Well, Steinbeck was a Noble Peace prize winner, so I say "Go for it!!!!!"
Grab on to the positives in his messages and reinforce that. Mostly, with yourself.
I am reminded of Copa's decision to end conversation with her son when he would say things that he knew upset her. He wouldn't set boundaries, so she did.
I think that is key.
Draw the line.
Then try to work on drawing the line with yourself, how far and deep you go with worry. I know it's hard, but the reality is that it does not make a difference in the choices our kids make, the emotional catastrophe we go through.

He really did go on this trip. I can't handle this anymore.

Me neither, so I don't. I am on emotional overload with Hubs passing. So, I am going day by day, working, taking mental trips to Machu Picchu, and building up my drama armor. I have declared my house a "no drama zone". I am in a "how dare you?" mode. I would never do or say such things to cause my mom this amount of grief.

I am quite angry at them, all of them. What a chickenxxx way to respond to love. Your crime? To love your son with all of your heart and soul and to fear for him.

I am angry at them, too. It is a chickenxxxx way to respond to love. Uck.

His post and his messages to me are not true. He is just ramping up the drama.

Oh, Alb, what nonsense. It's just plain cruel.
If you are not mad at him for this, I sure as heck am.


(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Kalahou]

the reality is that it does not make a difference in the choices our kids make, the emotional catastrophe we go through.

Spot on Leafy. This is true wise insight.

I am learning to accept that we really cannot expect that they would or should make their choices based on any consideration for what our emotional reactions might be. Some folks might do that but there is no obligation for anyone to make their own personal adult choices based on the factor of how it affects someone else's emotions. This is something I need to learn in my own life, as I have always been somewhat of a people-pleaser and said “yes, yes” and flexed my style and plans to accommodate others. I'm actually coming around to respect that my own children are thinking and doing more with themselves and their goals in mind, rather than making any plans based primarily on my wishes or feelings.

I am realizing our difficult children will do what they will to do, to learn and experience what they need to (with good or bad results), until they are ready to further change and grow, if ever. Our loving detachment gives them the freedom to do it, and gives us the freedom to let go as we should and must. We have all been on emotional overload at times. At these times, I make an effort to remember to just Breathe ~ slow down ~ trust the process.

I can't invest in it, but I have no choice. ... There is nobody on the other end, even though it means all to me. ... because this is my child.

You do have a choice to accept and move on, Albie. It is hard, yes. I do understand how hard. Your son is much younger than mine, so perhaps I've had more years to practice moving on. Day by day, and moment by moment - it is not easy. But you are going to be alright.

I was ok when I didn't know.

Yes, it is such a relief to not know, to not be wanting to know. We need to be patient, to let go of our own desires for control. Perhaps we feel we want and need to know all the details about our difficult child, in order to feel we have some control. ~ But then it backfires, because the more we know, the more we feel out of control in regards to them. (And we have heard it repeated often on this site that the only one we have any control over is our own self, and even sometimes that is difficult.)
... So, if I hear nothing for a while or even for a long time from or about my difficult child, I actually now feel thankful, and I think "no news is good news." If there was some really bad news, you would hear about it one way or another. And that would be the soon enough time to deal with whatever, if anything, is needful.

Take care, be strong, hang in there. I'll be following along, and keeping you and son in thoughts and prayers. Kalahou.

 

[Kalahou]

...
P.S. Just to clarify,

we really cannot expect that they would or should make their choices based on any consideration for what our emotional reactions might be.

When I said this, I was not talking about the abusvie,belligerent ,lying, stealing, illegal actions against others, and against us that we hear about often on this site. And those are the actions we put them out of our homes for and get them restrained for, and there have been discussions about that. When I stated the quote, I was referring to choices adult children make of when / where to go, what to do / wear/ etc, what friends to have, jobs to keep or lose, how to spend $, etc. ~ those kinds of choices, with the resulting consequences to themselves of their actions ~ whether good results or bad...
Of course, it's a given that in relating to us, we should have the expectation that folks, including difficult children, act in acceptable ways with some semblance of respect, courtesy, etc. that they should also show to anyone else. ~ Just to clarify

 

[BusynMember]

Dear Albie, there never was FB before so we didn't know. My only advice, since our love won't change, is to try not to know. ..not read FB or let others tell us about his FB. To read it is to be scared and to hurt.

Hugs...hoping you find peace.