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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 700393" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Spot on Leafy. This is true wise insight.</p><p></p><p> I am learning to accept that we really cannot expect that they would or should make their choices based on any consideration for what our emotional reactions might be. Some folks might do that but there is no obligation for anyone to make their own personal adult choices based on the factor of how it affects someone else's emotions. This is something I need to learn in my own life, as I have always been somewhat of a people-pleaser and said “yes, yes” and flexed my style and plans to accommodate others. I'm actually coming around to respect that my own children are thinking and doing more with themselves and their goals in mind, rather than making any plans based primarily on my wishes or feelings.</p><p></p><p> I am realizing our difficult children will do what they will to do, to learn and experience what they need to (with good or bad results), until they are ready to further change and grow, if ever. Our loving detachment gives them the freedom to do it, and gives us the freedom to let go as we should and must. We have all been on emotional overload at times. At these times, I make an effort to remember to just Breathe ~ slow down ~ trust the process.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You do have a choice to accept and move on, Albie. It is hard, yes. I do understand how hard. Your son is much younger than mine, so perhaps I've had more years to practice moving on. Day by day, and moment by moment - it is not easy. But you are going to be alright.</p><p></p><p> Yes, it is such a relief to not know, to not be wanting to know. We need to be patient, to let go of our own desires for control. Perhaps we feel we want and need to know all the details about our difficult child, in order to feel we have some control. ~ But then it backfires, because the more we know, the more we feel out of control in regards to them. (And we have heard it repeated often on this site that the only one we have any control over is our own self, and even sometimes that is difficult.)</p><p>... So, if I hear nothing for a while or even for a long time from or about my difficult child, I actually now feel thankful, and I think "<em>no news is good news</em>." If there was some really bad news, you would hear about it one way or another. And that would be the soon enough time to deal with whatever, if anything, is needful.</p><p></p><p> Take care, be strong, hang in there. I'll be following along, and keeping you and son in thoughts and prayers. Kalahou.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 700393, member: 19617"] Spot on Leafy. This is true wise insight. I am learning to accept that we really cannot expect that they would or should make their choices based on any consideration for what our emotional reactions might be. Some folks might do that but there is no obligation for anyone to make their own personal adult choices based on the factor of how it affects someone else's emotions. This is something I need to learn in my own life, as I have always been somewhat of a people-pleaser and said “yes, yes” and flexed my style and plans to accommodate others. I'm actually coming around to respect that my own children are thinking and doing more with themselves and their goals in mind, rather than making any plans based primarily on my wishes or feelings. I am realizing our difficult children will do what they will to do, to learn and experience what they need to (with good or bad results), until they are ready to further change and grow, if ever. Our loving detachment gives them the freedom to do it, and gives us the freedom to let go as we should and must. We have all been on emotional overload at times. At these times, I make an effort to remember to just Breathe ~ slow down ~ trust the process. You do have a choice to accept and move on, Albie. It is hard, yes. I do understand how hard. Your son is much younger than mine, so perhaps I've had more years to practice moving on. Day by day, and moment by moment - it is not easy. But you are going to be alright. Yes, it is such a relief to not know, to not be wanting to know. We need to be patient, to let go of our own desires for control. Perhaps we feel we want and need to know all the details about our difficult child, in order to feel we have some control. ~ But then it backfires, because the more we know, the more we feel out of control in regards to them. (And we have heard it repeated often on this site that the only one we have any control over is our own self, and even sometimes that is difficult.) ... So, if I hear nothing for a while or even for a long time from or about my difficult child, I actually now feel thankful, and I think "[I]no news is good news[/I]." If there was some really bad news, you would hear about it one way or another. And that would be the soon enough time to deal with whatever, if anything, is needful. Take care, be strong, hang in there. I'll be following along, and keeping you and son in thoughts and prayers. Kalahou. [/QUOTE]
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