Things are just horrible. Totally lost control Tuesday, huge fight yelling and screaming with/at difficult child and husband. Said some really horrible things. difficult child was right there. He actually emailed me to tell me what a horrible person I am. I am so upset. I know I said some horrible things. Caught up in the moment I guess. All started because difficult child had been lying about school work. Tuesday morning I logged onto the computer and had emails from every teacher. he has so much missing work. He has been sick. before xmas break and on and off yet. I know he missed school. But he had been telling me he had no missing work. I totally lost it. husband gets involved because he sides with difficult child. husband doesn't get involved with school. Doesn't seem to bother him that difficult child lies to him about school work. husband doesn't say anything about school work. I also blamed husband for not checking his homework. I work nights, I am usually sleeping at the homework hour and after. I mean I totally lost it. If anyones difficult child would of lost it like I did you would probably have them in the hospital right now. I really said awful things. difficult child really said awful things to me. I am really losing it. Right now as I sit at work I am physically sick. Breaking out in hives, but I am the only one here, my partner is sick. I have all these scary thoughts going through my mind. I know they are wrong thoughts but they are still there. I am really scared. Am I losing grip with reality here? I have no friends. I have nobody to talk to. Now I just lost difficult child's relationship. Help me. I am just so tired. I work 12 hours at night. Nobody can possibly understand how hard it is to stay awake all night and not get home until 1pm. I get up an hour before I leave. Then an hour commute, 12 hour shift, hour commute home. Then appointments, meetings, paying all the bills, phone calls, cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking...I am losing it. AND I work a second job on my days off from 10am - 2pm. I work my 12 hour night shift 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next. Midnight to noon. So if I do manage to get a few hours sleep, I don't see difficult child. Yet, everyone expects me to be awake and chipper like they are all day. It would be like them coming to meet with me at my work at 1 or 2am then going home and still going to work. I went to school to talk to the math teacher on Tuesday about an email she sent. I was met by the spec. ed teacher in the hall. She drives me nuts. She doesn't let you say a word. Followed me to every room. difficult child doesn't like her therefore is disrespectful. She doesn't let you say a word. When the principal is present he has to stop her and tell her to listen to someone else. She was bringing me from teacher to teacher and making the teachers update me on difficult child. She always says bad things about him. I hadn't slept in two days. One teacher wasn't in his class and she wanted me to follow her all over school to find him. I only went to see math teacher. I told her I really needed to go, she was rude and snipped at me. Do they NOT understand I am up when they are sleeping!!!! then went through difficult child's folder when we got home and that is when the fight started. I swear both of us lost our voice from screaming at each other. difficult child runs husband's life. Always has. He knows it too. knows he can do anything with husband. husband has never gone to psychiatrist appointment. doesn't take difficult child to dr. appointment's, doesn't do school issues, doesn't pay any bills, etc. Must be nice to get up and work 7 - 3, 5 minutes away and come home and know everything is taken care of. I can't imagine. I have to take care of the cars and the maintenance on the house or it would fall apart. Yet nobody even notices. Nobody cares. I could disappear and nobody would care. They would eventually notice when the house would be repossessed and the lights turned off... husband hasn't touched me since difficult child was born. 14 years now. He actually puts pillows between us on the few nights we are in bed together. I haven't been hugged or kissed in so many years I don't remember. He gets moody and gives ugly looks at me. If I ask him anything he might not want to hear I get the silent treatment and he stomps all over the house. during this fight I told him I regretted every minute I have been with him. I threw my wedding picture, which is now broke. difficult child was present. right there. I then went to work. Came home early because difficult child is going to school early for extra help. (I am making him). Came home, shoveled, stayed up for an extra hour only to be told by husband difficult child doesn't want to go with me he is taking him. I had a very early appointment in a near town, then to the store, pay some bills and went to bed. When I got up difficult child was in bed and husband was in the basement. he never came upstairs while I was home. I did see difficult child walk by as I was getting ready and he said nothing to me. Then...New Years Eve I worked. Nobody called or texted or anything to say happy new year. But when I look at the cell phone bill, difficult child called husband. (difficult child was at neighbors) He always calls husband. Must be nice to have the time to do FUN things with difficult child. I always am the bad guy with Dr. appointment's, school, meetings. husband is only the fun guy. Does nobody see me? does nobody care? I am reading today's paper about a lady who drove her car into the lake. It scares me. Scares me of ME. I am really scared. I have nobody to talk to cause I have no life. No friends. So I am turning to you guys for some words. Help.