afraid of myself - long - please

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Jan 8, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Things are just horrible. Totally lost control Tuesday, huge fight yelling and screaming with/at difficult child and husband. Said some really horrible things. difficult child was right there.

    He actually emailed me to tell me what a horrible person I am. I am so upset. I know I said some horrible things. Caught up in the moment I guess.

    All started because difficult child had been lying about school work. Tuesday morning I logged onto the computer and had emails from every teacher. he has so much missing work.

    He has been sick. before xmas break and on and off yet. I know he missed school. But he had been telling me he had no missing work.

    I totally lost it. husband gets involved because he sides with difficult child. husband doesn't get involved with school. Doesn't seem to bother him that difficult child lies to him about school work. husband doesn't say anything about school work. I also blamed husband for not checking his homework. I work nights, I am usually sleeping at the homework hour and after.

    I mean I totally lost it. If anyones difficult child would of lost it like I did you would probably have them in the hospital right now.

    I really said awful things. difficult child really said awful things to me. I am really losing it.

    Right now as I sit at work I am physically sick. Breaking out in hives, but I am the only one here, my partner is sick.

    I have all these scary thoughts going through my mind. I know they are wrong thoughts but they are still there. I am really scared.

    Am I losing grip with reality here? I have no friends. I have nobody to talk to. Now I just lost difficult child's relationship. Help me.

    I am just so tired. I work 12 hours at night. Nobody can possibly understand how hard it is to stay awake all night and not get home until 1pm. I get up an hour before I leave. Then an hour commute, 12 hour shift, hour commute home. Then appointments, meetings, paying all the bills, phone calls, cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking...I am losing it.

    AND I work a second job on my days off from 10am - 2pm. I work my 12 hour night shift 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next. Midnight to noon. So if I do manage to get a few hours sleep, I don't see difficult child.

    Yet, everyone expects me to be awake and chipper like they are all day. It would be like them coming to meet with me at my work at 1 or 2am then going home and still going to work.

    I went to school to talk to the math teacher on Tuesday about an email she sent. I was met by the spec. ed teacher in the hall. She drives me nuts. She doesn't let you say a word. Followed me to every room. difficult child doesn't like her therefore is disrespectful. She doesn't let you say a word. When the principal is present he has to stop her and tell her to listen to someone else.

    She was bringing me from teacher to teacher and making the teachers update me on difficult child. She always says bad things about him. I hadn't slept in two days. One teacher wasn't in his class and she wanted me to follow her all over school to find him. I only went to see math teacher. I told her I really needed to go, she was rude and snipped at me. Do they NOT understand I am up when they are sleeping!!!!

    then went through difficult child's folder when we got home and that is when the fight started. I swear both of us lost our voice from screaming at each other.

    difficult child runs husband's life. Always has. He knows it too. knows he can do anything with husband. husband has never gone to psychiatrist appointment. doesn't take difficult child to dr. appointment's, doesn't do school issues, doesn't pay any bills, etc.

    Must be nice to get up and work 7 - 3, 5 minutes away and come home and know everything is taken care of. I can't imagine.

    I have to take care of the cars and the maintenance on the house or it would fall apart.

    Yet nobody even notices. Nobody cares. I could disappear and nobody would care. They would eventually notice when the house would be repossessed and the lights turned off...

    husband hasn't touched me since difficult child was born. 14 years now. He actually puts pillows between us on the few nights we are in bed together. I haven't been hugged or kissed in so many years I don't remember. He gets moody and gives ugly looks at me. If I ask him anything he might not want to hear I get the silent treatment and he stomps all over the house.

    during this fight I told him I regretted every minute I have been with him. I threw my wedding picture, which is now broke. difficult child was present. right there.

    I then went to work. Came home early because difficult child is going to school early for extra help. (I am making him). Came home, shoveled, stayed up for an extra hour only to be told by husband difficult child doesn't want to go with me he is taking him. I had a very early appointment in a near town, then to the store, pay some bills and went to bed. When I got up difficult child was in bed and husband was in the basement. he never came upstairs while I was home. I did see difficult child walk by as I was getting ready and he said nothing to me.

    Then...New Years Eve I worked. Nobody called or texted or anything to say happy new year. But when I look at the cell phone bill, difficult child called husband. (difficult child was at neighbors)

    He always calls husband. Must be nice to have the time to do FUN things with difficult child. I always am the bad guy with Dr. appointment's, school, meetings. husband is only the fun guy.

    Does nobody see me? does nobody care? I am reading today's paper about a lady who drove her car into the lake. It scares me. Scares me of ME. I am really scared. I have nobody to talk to cause I have no life. No friends. So I am turning to you guys for some words. Help.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hun, do you have a therapist? I would start there. You are overwhelmed and are taking on way too much with no appreciation. You need somebody to help you put everything into perspective and help you with a life's plan. (((Hugs)))
     
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aww Kjs,
    You are doing way too much with so little appreciation-I'm sorry. I know with little sleep how unable I am to function-you must be exhausted. I think seeing someone would help but you're probably wondering how to find the time and even thought you have so little free time it's important. You do need to start taking care of you-it's so important and you are so worth it. Sending the gentlest of hugs your way and please know you are not a nobody-we do care-you are a wonderful person.
     
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Well, here's one hug.

    You're doing what I've been guilty of in years past.

    Life is running you instead of you running your life.

    You're way overloaded. Distribution of responsibilities in the home are definately in order.

    I'd get rid of that 2nd job also -- husband could get rid of his car and walk to work or get a 2nd job to pay for it.

    And difficult child? If he doesn't want to do his work, he might just have to fail a semester.

    I know you're saying I can't do that, but you won't have a choice if you end up in the hospital. You may loose that 2nd job and difficult child would fail anyway.

    More hugs for you.
     
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Kjs}}}

    I wholeheartedly second what Sharon wrote. See... no one will appreciate or value you if you don't appreciate or value yourself. Is there anyway you can drop the second job and look for something that will allow you to sleep better (different hours or at least closer to home)?

    The way things are set up difficult child only sees you as the disciplinarian so of course he goes to his father.

    As for husband, he sounds like he will allow you to handle everything until you drop dead from exhaustion. This was a hard lesson for me... my husband would assume everything (I mean everything) was my responsibility because I'm a stay at home mom. I was like a hamster on an endless running wheel getting little or no sleep with a very difficult difficult child. I finally started telling him what he needed to do: take out the trash, make your own appointment, pick up your socks. Or a gave a choice: make dinner or bathe the baby, read a story or wash the floor, take me out to dinner or die :)winks:). You and husband probably need some marriage counseling especially because of the lack of intimacy. You need time together to reestablish your relationship, without difficult child so he can't triangulate and make you the bad guy.

    As for his and difficult child's relationship... there is very little you can do to make it healthy as long as husband sees himself as a buddy. I tend to be the disciplinarian around here, but my husband knows to never undermine me... or the difficult child issues will land squarely in his lap.

    {{{Hugs}}} Be gentle on yourself and take something for the hives.
     
  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I can't say I blame you ONE bit for losing it on them. I would have done the same, but probably a lot sooner.

    You definitely need to make some changes. You cannot work all those hours and maintain everything. husband (not so dear) needs to start pulling his weight or I'd throw his patootie right out the door. He doesn't seem to offer anything to the relationship and only seems to enable difficult child.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    CRY warning -- I got this today and I guess it must be meant FOR YOU especially seeing how you are feeling about yourself. I'll take that I have one flaw - how about you Kjs?



    THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN...
    >
    > By the time the Lord made woman,
    > He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
    > An angel appeared and said,
    > 'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
    > And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
    > She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
    > have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
    > and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
    > have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
    > have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken
    > heart
    > -and she will do everything
    > with only two hands.'
    >
    > The angel was astounded at the requirements.
    > 'Only two hands!? No way!
    > And that's just on the standard model?
    > That's too much work for one day.
    > Wait until tomorrow to finish.'
    >
    > 'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
    > 'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
    > heart.
    > She already heals herself when she is sick
    > AND can work 18 hour days.'
    >
    > The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
    >
    > 'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
    >
    > 'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
    > 'but I have also made her tough.
    > You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'
    >
    > 'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
    >
    > The Lord replied,
    > 'Not only will she be able to think,
    > she will be able to reason and negotiate.'
    >
    > The angel then noticed something,
    > and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
    > 'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
    > I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'
    >
    > 'That's not a leak,'
    > the Lord corrected,
    > 'that's a tear!'
    > 'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.
    >
    > The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
    > her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
    > her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
    > The angel was impressed.
    > 'You are a genius, Lord.
    > You thought of everything!
    > Woman is truly amazing.'
    >
    > And she is!
    > Women have strengths that amaze men.
    > They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
    > but they hold happiness,
    > love and joy.
    > They smile when they want to scream.
    > They sing when they want to cry.
    > They cry when they are happy
    > and laugh when they are nervous.
    > They fight for what they believe in.
    > They stand up to injustice.
    > They don't take 'no' for an answer
    > when they believe there is a better solution.
    > They go without so their family can have.
    > They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
    > They love unconditionally.
    > They cry when their children excel
    > and cheer when their friends get awards.
    > They are happy when they hear about
    > a birth or a wedding.
    > Their hearts break when a friend dies.
    > They grieve at the loss of a family member,
    > yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
    > They know that a hug and a kiss
    > can heal a broken heart.
    > Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
    > They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
    > to show how much they care about you.
    > The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
    > They bring joy, hope and love.
    > They have compassion and ideals.
    > They give moral support to their family and friends.
    > Women have vital things to say and everything to give
    >
    > HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
    >
    > IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
    > PLEASE pass this along to your women friends and relatives
    > to re mind them just how amazing they are


    > The One Flaw In Women
     
  8. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I ran a parallel life to yours when I was around your age, except husband wouldn't work. There was no saving my marriage as it wasn't much to begin with. I turned into a workaholic - there was no grief at work, people were pleasant, I could have a laugh, and I was much appreciated, something that I was not at home, where in stages I was the B, Nasty B, Nasty Vile B, and then the kicker was the nasty vile American B (my X is English) because at night I came blowing in the house, and started taking charge and issuing edicts and orders. Besides the fights between difficult child, his brother, and their father, there were fights between me, difficult child, his brother, their father. Controntation on a daily basis. The minute I walked in the door I was angry. It was an insane way of living for more years than necessary. I grew into an outsider to my own family - my fault as I let things get so out of control. I convinced myself if I didn't work, I may lose my job, we may be out on the street - oh I had a ton of reasons why I needed to work all those hours but in hindsight, it was my escape from the chaos of home.

    The one thing I did was to go a councelor for me when I had reached my breaking point- and learned alot about myself. Only then was I able to start making some changes for the better, one of which was putting husband and a loveless marriage to the curb. It wasn't an easy time, believe me. NO ONE in my house wanted any changes -they all learned to live with the fighting and here I was throwing a monkey wrench into the frey.

    KJS, only you can get off of the hampster wheel. Start by losing that second job, and spend that time you normally would working in counceling. Being a non person to people you love is absolutely a horrible way to live. You cannot change things until you start changing yourself.

    Marcie
     
  9. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Very well said, Marcie.

    KJS, stop being the over-worked doormat. Soon, you will find that you've worked your life away and have had no time to enjoy what you've worked so hard to maintain.
     
  10. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    yep, loth and marcie and the others said it well. Do things for you. See a therapist. Do you need medications? I have been where you are, and I have started giving husband things to do. He cannot seem to figure out what needs done unless we have no clean dishes, or something that obvious. My husband cannot work, so he can do laundry and dishes and fix the cars. He has chronic pain and some of these things hurt him, but his pain will be tenfold if I lose it and lose my job and he loses his insurance.

    If you want to save your marriage go to marriage counseling, if not maybe you should consider a trial separation? If difficult child wants to stay, let him stay. If the school calls you tell them difficult child lives with husband. difficult child may have to fail, it may be time to let natural consequences take over. If you pay his cell phone bill, or any extras for him, I would disconnect it. Same for husband. Let him pay for his own.

    Hugs, and I hope you can figure out what you want. It always seems so cut and dried in print, but in real life it never is.
     
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{KJS}} Many MANY hugs being sent to you. You certainly deserve a hug!

    I also agree with what Marcie said. You need to start with YOU instead of waiting for them to change when it's apparent they won't. After all, why would they change how they live and do things when they know that you are taking care of it all?

    Take a step back and think about what you need to do in order to acquire some inner peace and then find a counselor to help sort through it all and make it happen for YOU.

    If the house crumbles around you, so be it. If difficult child has to fail in order to learn a lesson, so be it. It won't be the end of the world. It's more important that you get the help and sleep you need so that you are healthy and happy.

    The worst thing in the world would not be for you to leave H and let him keep difficult child so you can regroup. Just throwing it out there. You may need to get away from them while you begin to care for yourself.

    You deserve to be with people who love and appreciate you, hug you and work beside you. You are a special person, we're all special in our own way and deserve to be treated with respect.

    Please try and let the guilt of your outburst roll off your back. Obviously, you needed to explode and you know what? At 14, I doubt very much that you sticking up for yourself (rightfully so) is going to leave difficult child with any lasting scars. He should understand that the way you are treated in your home [that you work very hard to pay for and maintain] has been very wrong for very long.

    Sending more hugs. I hope you use the inner strength we all know you possess to get yourself in to see a good counselor who specializes in women's issues and family dynamics.
     
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree whole heartedly that you need to see a counselor for you. Someone who looks out for your best interest while that same person listens, offers moral support, and helps you make decisions that are best for you.

    Let things go. Re-prioritize.

    Is cleaning really that important? You have a husband and a 14 yr old, odds are they can pick up the slack and if they don't a messy house isn't going to be a hazard for them. Same with shopping. husband's hours are more reasonable, he can manage some of the shopping too, even if it's not the bulk of it. Or if they go hungry a bit to get the message......well, it's not gonna kill them. Bills, well, no advice there. I've usually found when the women are handling the bills there is a good solid reason behind it.

    Homework is obviously a huge war zone. And being forced to deal with teachers ect due to it a mega stressor on you. None on husband, and very little on difficult child. I'm mean, difficult child has Dad who really doesn't care, and Mom buffering angry teachers. How about putting an end to the homework wars? difficult child is 14, plenty old enough to understand the natural conscequences to not turning in his work. That homework is his responsibility, not yours or husband's. That's between him and his teachers. And I know you're thinking OMG if I do that difficult child will fail. Maybe, maybe not. If he fails, well he deserves to. That's the natural conscequence to not putting forth effort. But odds are he's not going to because he's going to get all the pressure from teachers and get to enjoy all the ramifications un-buffered by you.

    Best thing I ever did for myself, and my kids, was to put a halt to the homework wars. Oddly enough, my difficult children didn't fail, they usually did better than with me hounding them over it. And I felt like a enormous weight was removed from my shoulders. It let me refocus my energy where it was actually useful and needed.

    Sweetie, right now your SuperMom cape is tattered and torn. You're burning the candle at both ends and it's catching up with you. Changes need to be made. We are all only human and can do so much, take so much before it starts wearing us right down to a breaking point.

    Sending you many warm gentle ((((hugs)))).
     
  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I would leave in a heartbeat if I could. I would lose the house. husband doesn't make a whole lot of money, but it does help.

    difficult child would be pushed over the edge. He can be such a sensitive, sweet kid. I miss him just coming to work. But in his angry email where he told me how horrible I am, difficult child said that he literally stays awake all night worrying if something will happen to me or dad. he worries. I am not sure if it is because he thinks we will die or divorce.
    However i have mentioned recently that they will be lost if I die because nobody knows what to do. And they won't appreciate me until I am dead. Acutally several statements like that. Pretty bad aren't I.

    I don't have time for me. How do you do that when you have so many things to work around. That would mean i have to give up my sleep time.

    Where do you slip it in? If I don't take care of things it WILL fall apart. Right now the car that is titled to ME, that we gave to easy child (real junker) is parked in a parking lot off a main street because it died. It has been parked there for two days. easy child just left it. I understand it does not run but it is in MY name. So, I have to go take care of it. See...How can I NOT take care of it? Just like Everything. Next he will be calling for a ride to work (at a bar).

    All of you who have wonderful husbands...where did you find them?
     
  14. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Even if I take time for me...what do I do? Sit alone and feel bad because I am alone and have nobody?

    If I do not check difficult child and his homework he WILL fail. He loses everything. He cannot go from one class to the next and have the same paper. he has an expandable folder so he only needs to keep track of one. but he can't do that.

    what is wrong with him? How can he be so smart and so awful at the same time? Can he help it? Is he doing these things because he is lazy? Because he thinks he is special and can do what he wants? or does he truly want to do better and can't?

    He can ace any test, but give him homework and he is totally confused and lost.

    I worry so much about him. will he ever be ok in this world when he cannot even carry a pencil for two hours.
     
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Kjs,
    I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is so hard being the one that keeps everything together, and an outsider in your own family.

    Your focus is on doing everything that needs doing to keep the bills paid, the house in order, everyone's mental and physical health taken care of, meals on the table, school work done, etc. etc. etc. That leaves absolutely no room for fun stuff.

    difficult child and H (given the way he's treating you, I can't refer to him as Dear), deal only with the fun stuff, and leave you to mop up.

    And, they don't witness your efforts. You're at work when they're doing fun stuff, and they're at work and at school when you're running around like a chicken with no head. Unseen, unacknowledged and unappreciated, perceived as the bad guy.

    That's no way to live, and you need to make changes. They're not going to change unless or until you do.

    I agree with Marcie Mac, Lothlorien and Crazymama30's advice to you. You need to start taking care of you, because no one else will unless you set the example by demonstrating how you are to be treated.

    Get to a therapist. Change your work hours. Stop covering everyone's bills. Kick H out, if you feel that's the right move. Whatever you have to do, you need to do it. If you wait for husband to change or difficult child to change, you will be waiting the rest of your life, to no avail. Make the changes YOU want to see now, and let H and difficult child either fall in line or get out of your way.

    Sending many gentle hugs, and strength to take whatever steps you need to. I've been where you are and it was horrible.

    Trinity
     
  16. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Everyone's already given you great advice that's worth trying. Just wanted to say been there done that and offer you hugs!
     
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Kjs, that's the thing.
    If it will fall apart without your participation, then the best thing you can do is to let it fall apart.

    Let the others deal with the fallout. If difficult child is going to go off the rails, then let it happen and let husband deal with it. If you keep doing everything because "it will all fall apart without you", then no one else will ever do anything because there is no incentive.

    Believe me, they will just sit idly by while you have a stroke or a nervous breakdown or a heart attack. Until they have a reason to change that motivates them, they just won't do it.


    As to your second question, about finding a wonderful husband...
    my take is that wonderful husbands are made, not found.

    My first husband was a rotter. An absolute rotter. I was miserable, and put up with a lot of grief until I hit a wall and realized that I just couldn't live the rest of my life that way. If you want details about how I planned my exit from that marriage, please PM me. It will make sure that your interests are taken care of.

    With my husband, whenever he showed any sign of treating me in a way I did not want to be treated, I would tell him. "When you do that, it makes me feel dismissed." or "That behaviour reminds me of my ex-H. There's nothing wrong with it, but I'm sensitive to it." or whatever. Over the years, husband has realized that I won't put up with certain things, so he doesn't dish them out. He's not perfect, but he loves and respects me. And I've had to do a lot of very hard work to make sure that's the case, because I wasn't going to relive the misery I had the first time around.

    Please look after yourself and be gentle with yourself. It's not a sin to put yourself first. It's self-preservation, and it ensures that you have the strength to take care of whatever and whoever else you need to.

    Sending more hugs,
    Trinity
     
  18. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Does difficult child have an IEP? If so, call a meeting and have it added that Miss smarty pants Special Education teacher MUST meet with difficult child 15 minutes prior to dismissal to ensure that he has all his assignments, etc. Another option is that he be given a late study hall with homework assistance. A third is that homework is modified or eliminated.

    Next, keep a journal for a week of everything you do: cleaning, laundry, food prep, bills, work sleep, homework battles, school, appointments, etc. If you are doing it then it gets written down. Then go through and highlight what is not essentially yours to do; some examples are emptying the dishwasher, cooking, cleaning, laundry, trash, groceries, snow removal, etc.

    Then you notify difficult child and husband that you cannot do these things any longer and that they must figure out between them just who will be responsible for what. Your going to need to let your standards drop (trust me!) but you simply cannot maintain much longer. Kjs, the sky is falling.

    Map out consequences such as no food if shopping isn't done, no dishes if dishwasher isn't filled, no clean clothes, etc. I suggest, though, that you do your own laundry. This is from personal experience. :winks:

    Kjs, husband is a grown man. He needs to be told to stand up and set a good example for his son. difficult child is getting too close to being an adult to not start taking care of his basic needs.

    As for homework, school & failing.... I can understand you not wanting him to fail. No parent would ever want that. Your going to need to find a way to get difficult child invested in his education. You can't do it for him. {{{Hugs}}}
     
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Travis had the same issue. Honestly he did. He had major issues even getting homework that took me hours to make sure he did back to school. But I swear to you he did not fail when I stepped completely out of the picture. The issues were still there. BUT the teachers and Travis had to work out solutions. I stayed out of it no matter how much they attempted to drag me back into it. And low and behold, even in our crappola school district they managed to come up with workable solutions. Travis actually improved about such issues out of need. Didn't go away, but it did get better.

    It was scary for me to drop the homework wars. I was certain both difficult children would fail. But they didn't, much to my amazement. Travis did no worse, and Nichole did much better. They were happier as they didn't have yet another person breathing down their necks over homework, and I was happier because the stress was off me and the responsibility was where it belonged. When my kids came home it was a more peaceful restful environment for them, heck for all of us. And I noticed that many other difficult child behaviors mellowed out as well with the removal of that huge stressor.

    ((hugs))
     
  20. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh, hun!!! First many, many ((((((((HUGS))))))))). I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I know that being the "MOM" is hard work, thankless work!!! Add me to the list of us who think it's time for you to take back some of YOUR life. I also agree, counseling is in order. You should see someone, you need an outlet for your frustrations. Which, by the way you are so justified in. You are doing way too much. Just stop. Stop cleaning, stop doing the laundry, do not cook, no more taxi rides, no more!!! Let them wear dirty clothes and eat frozen dinners. Let the house fall apart. You are far more important than the house. I would much rather see the house fall apart then you fall apart. You cannot do it all. You are human and you matter just as much as everyone else in your household. I think husbands and children take us moms for granted. They tend to think we run on batteries and have no feelings. Give to them exactly what they are giving to you. Especially your husband. Work on you, once you start to feel better about yourself the neglect you are getting from your husband won't matter as much. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself and the way you react to these other people. Seek therapy, join some sort of group, bowling, ceramics, softball, anything to make friends. Once you start feeling good about you, the rest will fall into place. Your life matters, you ARE important, you ARE valuable!!!! Remember that!!!

    Don't beat yourself up for losing it. We all lose from time to time. I have said things to and in front of my difficult child that I shouldn't have. We do not run on batteries, we have feelings too. Why can't we be the ones to lose it? If you didn't lose it occasionally that would concern me much more. You need some down time desperately!!! Can you take a night off work and just go and stay in a hotel somewhere, drink some wine, take a bubble bath, bring a good book and relax? Our difficult children are not the only ones who need respite from time to time. You are a vital part of the family. Your well being is just as important as your children's and your husband's!!! You are running yourself into the ground. You MUST care for yourself first!!! You will be no good to anyone else unless you are good to yourself first.

    Maybe you should give your husband a taste of his own medicine!!!! Ignore him before he gets the chance to ignore you. Treat yourself to a day of beauty. Get a new hairdo, new make up, new outfit and go out one night. Even if it is by yourself. Peek his interest. Let him see you prancing around looking beautiful and just walk out the door, stay out late. Heck, take a nap in your car if you need to, go to the local coffee house with a book and sit there for as long as possible. He doesn't have to know where you are going.

    You are not alone. I'm sure we all can relate to what you are going through on one level or another. I am having similar issues with my husband. Not so much household things. He does help me a great deal with housework. In fact I think he cleans more than me. Only because he can't sit still. He always has to be doing something. But we have sort of come to a point where we are distant and disconnected. We act more like friends, like roommates. Our passion is dying. The romance is not there anymore. Sex has become a chore. It's far and few between lately. So, I can understand how you are feeling somewhat. We are trying to re-connect with regards to intimacy. We as a couple get lost in the mundane routine that has become our life. It is very hard to keep the relationship fresh, keep that spark alive while living in this chaos. Our kids take so much out of us. We get lost.

    Hang in there hun!!! You are going to be okay. You are in my thoughts.

    God bless.

    Shawna :)
     
    Lasted edited by : Jan 8, 2009
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