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After 9 months a call from difficult child 1 from psychiatric hospital.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 627801" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is key to your survival, Tish. When the kids are in crisis, we discount the passion that brought husband and wife together, that made each of us better, stronger, happier people than we were, alone. In the continual chaos, in the horrendous emotional pain created by one difficult child, let alone two, there comes to be a feeling of wrongness at the heart of our marriages, over time. </p><p></p><p>There is a tinge of shame to all of it, coloring even the good memories, coloring even the times of strength and passion something drab and dull and useless. Nurturing that fire, physical and spiritual, that should be at the heart of the lives we create together is put on hold until our children are safely launched. I think that need to see our children safely launched is a genetic thing, is something strung through our DNA. </p><p></p><p>Our difficult child children refuse to launch.</p><p></p><p>And that is the nature of the conflict we find ourselves in. We are fighting the genetic imperative, the parent's determination to do this thing right, to see it done.</p><p></p><p>For a time, everything else pales into insignificance.</p><p></p><p>husband and I had that focus for so many years, for decades. Everything was forever about the kids. One would fall apart. By the time we got her up and running, our son would move home. Money, time, energy and effort, along with that sense of celebration come of a hard thing well done...all of that energy went into the kids.</p><p></p><p>And none of it made a lick of difference. All of it, sucked up and out of us and drained into some bottomless place where whatever we did, whatever sacrifice of time and money and effort we made, it was never enough. </p><p></p><p>At some point, that fire that needs to burn brightly enough to forge relationship between husband and wife has been squandered elsewhere so many times that there is nothing left of it but a memory, a broken dream of all we'd meant to one another, of all we'd hoped for our children and for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>So, that's what we're fighting, Tish.</p><p></p><p>That, and that the kids blame us. They blame Dad to Mom, and Mom to Dad.</p><p></p><p>That's really tough. Every marriage, every family, has times when things weren't perfect. It is so hard not to focus on that wrong thing you did, or your mate did. After a really long time, after years of trying to get it right, of trying to address whatever the shortcoming was that resulted in the kids' lives turning into what they turn into, we finally get it.</p><p></p><p>It was never anything we did.</p><p></p><p>So, that pretty much sucks too, to realize we've been manipulated like that for all those years.</p><p></p><p>***********</p><p></p><p>It's really hard to come back from that place where everything has turned to ashes. That is why so many of us lose our marriages, I think. It isn't so much the stress of the difficult child. We are strong enough, committed enough, to do that. It is that taste of hopelessness, that taste of ashes, that swamps the fiery passion that forges that incredible bond between husband and wife.</p><p></p><p>Both husband and I wonder sometimes what it would be, to live lives of wholehearted celebration; to live lives without that sense of regret, without that taste of ashes.</p><p></p><p>My advice: Get away with your husband as often and for as long a time as you can. Go for a weekend, go for a month, make a morning coffee date for every Saturday ~ whatever you can afford in terms of time and money, do it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It helped us to realize that if the kids had a plan, a set of goals, that they were working toward already, and they needed money or advice to keep doing those successful things successfully, we would help. Anything less, anything having to do with "I need rent money." (Again) Or "I need money for fines or licenses." (Other than professional licenses ~ and even there, we have paid enough times that we probably will not spring for those anymore, either.) Or food. Or even the things for the grandchildren that they should have (braces, extra lessons, Prom dresses....)</p><p></p><p>That would be no.</p><p></p><p>And then? We realized that if the kids were doing those right things? They wouldn't need either money or advice.</p><p></p><p>So, there you go.</p><p></p><p>Okay. I lied about the Prom dresses. That, we do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Will husband attend with you?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. I agree. MWM nailed it in half the words it took me to do it. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Good job, MWM!!!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And accepting that is the nature of the battle we need to fight.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is hard to do this. We feel guilty when we have enough and the kids have nothing.</p><p></p><p>Especially when there are grandchildren involved.</p><p></p><p>I hate my kids sometimes, for that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is where it has to get to. Might as well be sooner as later. What it feels like to me is that I made a decision to survive. I go back to that decision to make any decision about how to respond to the kids.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you, Tish.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 627801, member: 17461"] This is key to your survival, Tish. When the kids are in crisis, we discount the passion that brought husband and wife together, that made each of us better, stronger, happier people than we were, alone. In the continual chaos, in the horrendous emotional pain created by one difficult child, let alone two, there comes to be a feeling of wrongness at the heart of our marriages, over time. There is a tinge of shame to all of it, coloring even the good memories, coloring even the times of strength and passion something drab and dull and useless. Nurturing that fire, physical and spiritual, that should be at the heart of the lives we create together is put on hold until our children are safely launched. I think that need to see our children safely launched is a genetic thing, is something strung through our DNA. Our difficult child children refuse to launch. And that is the nature of the conflict we find ourselves in. We are fighting the genetic imperative, the parent's determination to do this thing right, to see it done. For a time, everything else pales into insignificance. husband and I had that focus for so many years, for decades. Everything was forever about the kids. One would fall apart. By the time we got her up and running, our son would move home. Money, time, energy and effort, along with that sense of celebration come of a hard thing well done...all of that energy went into the kids. And none of it made a lick of difference. All of it, sucked up and out of us and drained into some bottomless place where whatever we did, whatever sacrifice of time and money and effort we made, it was never enough. At some point, that fire that needs to burn brightly enough to forge relationship between husband and wife has been squandered elsewhere so many times that there is nothing left of it but a memory, a broken dream of all we'd meant to one another, of all we'd hoped for our children and for ourselves. So, that's what we're fighting, Tish. That, and that the kids blame us. They blame Dad to Mom, and Mom to Dad. That's really tough. Every marriage, every family, has times when things weren't perfect. It is so hard not to focus on that wrong thing you did, or your mate did. After a really long time, after years of trying to get it right, of trying to address whatever the shortcoming was that resulted in the kids' lives turning into what they turn into, we finally get it. It was never anything we did. So, that pretty much sucks too, to realize we've been manipulated like that for all those years. *********** It's really hard to come back from that place where everything has turned to ashes. That is why so many of us lose our marriages, I think. It isn't so much the stress of the difficult child. We are strong enough, committed enough, to do that. It is that taste of hopelessness, that taste of ashes, that swamps the fiery passion that forges that incredible bond between husband and wife. Both husband and I wonder sometimes what it would be, to live lives of wholehearted celebration; to live lives without that sense of regret, without that taste of ashes. My advice: Get away with your husband as often and for as long a time as you can. Go for a weekend, go for a month, make a morning coffee date for every Saturday ~ whatever you can afford in terms of time and money, do it. It helped us to realize that if the kids had a plan, a set of goals, that they were working toward already, and they needed money or advice to keep doing those successful things successfully, we would help. Anything less, anything having to do with "I need rent money." (Again) Or "I need money for fines or licenses." (Other than professional licenses ~ and even there, we have paid enough times that we probably will not spring for those anymore, either.) Or food. Or even the things for the grandchildren that they should have (braces, extra lessons, Prom dresses....) That would be no. And then? We realized that if the kids were doing those right things? They wouldn't need either money or advice. So, there you go. Okay. I lied about the Prom dresses. That, we do. Will husband attend with you? Yes. I agree. MWM nailed it in half the words it took me to do it. :O) Good job, MWM!!! And accepting that is the nature of the battle we need to fight. It is hard to do this. We feel guilty when we have enough and the kids have nothing. Especially when there are grandchildren involved. I hate my kids sometimes, for that. That is where it has to get to. Might as well be sooner as later. What it feels like to me is that I made a decision to survive. I go back to that decision to make any decision about how to respond to the kids. I'm sorry this is happening to you, Tish. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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After 9 months a call from difficult child 1 from psychiatric hospital.
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