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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 678947" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is stellar, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p><em>"...not by the abuse of authority in our relationships with ourselves."</em></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Yes. I am researching self-sabotage. There are many names for it. It has to do with protecting the self by destroying the self <u>first</u>; a way of taking control ~ and even, rebellion ~ by meeting the Mother's directive out of fear of the abandonment the mother represents. In this way, it could be that we learned to save ourselves from a more public humiliation. That was surely one of the dynamics at work in that birthday party when I was eight. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am stuck in italics.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Roar.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Yes.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Yoga is of benefit in working out the physical places where we hold memory of injury in the form of energy blocks.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I think through yoga we may loosen and free that trapped energy even without having to name and do battle with it ~ which is what we do when engaged in a literal-thought battle with our mother's valances.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>With our memories of their power.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And our fear or self disgust or shame.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And once we see it, then we access our anger for ourselves, no longer ashamed of its cleansing energies.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Which will be an extraordinary thing, given what we have accomplished in our lives while laboring beneath the burdens our mothers and sisters have been piling on, stone by stone by stone, hoping to see us break.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am in a little bit of a snit today, with everything I have been reading about what was accomplished in my upbringing, and how it was done, and why. The win, as it turns out, is not big deal. Like everything ~ like every single thing, always turns out to be, when we are messing around with people we should never have had anything to do with.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Abusers abuse because they are abusers.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>It such a paltry little true thing that in trying to ferret out the complexities, we miss it. There is no mystery here. There is no value to the sacrifice of our positive self regard and there is no magical cure for the strangely ill internalized mother, directing our self sabotage to this day.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>This is my lightbulb moment for today: Those bad feelings of sadness or powerlessness or shame may be payment we are making ~ may be sacrifice to the internalized mother within.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>That is what I am looking at. And I think I am on to something big.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I feel like Ed Sullivan.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>:O)</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Too bad I am stuck in italics.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Drat.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>***</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Self-abnegation simply means they will not see us at all. Let go of it. Sit with the feelings and go on with your day. Those things they taught us were wrong.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Self-sabotage is how we protected ourselves from our mothers. If we hurt ourselves first we can control the amount of damage and deflect the energy of the blast from the living heart of us.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>That is over now. Time to reclaim ourselves.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Think about it. Where does this intensity of feeling, this never-ending worry, worry, worry come from. It may be that we were pretty fully recovered when we were young and strong and creating our own lives. Whether the issue is an illness or an addiction, when our children fell into troubled times, we went back to the bottom lines of our childhoods: Self sacrifice, self sabotage, self-abnegation.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We broke, and we broke on purpose.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Stop it.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>There is a better way.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>If we have determined that we were raised by a narcissist shading into malignancy, it is as Copa suggests: We find ourselves in the margins of the template that describes them. We will have internalized the positives to their negatives (or vice versa).</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am monitoring my feeling states about everything from waking up to tasting coffee to going to work to everything, ferreting out my mother and kicking my sister in the ***. It is one thing to be subservient to a freaked up mother and father and another thing altogether to enable a sister. Especially in honor of some creepy pact designed to keep me hooked in.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Yuck.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Cedar</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>A great post, Copa. I have been able to go deeper into my own business here through it.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>:O)</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Sorry about the italics.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 678947, member: 17461"] This is stellar, Copa. Thank you. [I]"...not by the abuse of authority in our relationships with ourselves."[/I] [I]. Yes. I am researching self-sabotage. There are many names for it. It has to do with protecting the self by destroying the self [U]first[/U]; a way of taking control ~ and even, rebellion ~ by meeting the Mother's directive out of fear of the abandonment the mother represents. In this way, it could be that we learned to save ourselves from a more public humiliation. That was surely one of the dynamics at work in that birthday party when I was eight. I am stuck in italics. Roar. Yes. Yoga is of benefit in working out the physical places where we hold memory of injury in the form of energy blocks. I think through yoga we may loosen and free that trapped energy even without having to name and do battle with it ~ which is what we do when engaged in a literal-thought battle with our mother's valances. With our memories of their power. And our fear or self disgust or shame. And once we see it, then we access our anger for ourselves, no longer ashamed of its cleansing energies. Which will be an extraordinary thing, given what we have accomplished in our lives while laboring beneath the burdens our mothers and sisters have been piling on, stone by stone by stone, hoping to see us break. I am in a little bit of a snit today, with everything I have been reading about what was accomplished in my upbringing, and how it was done, and why. The win, as it turns out, is not big deal. Like everything ~ like every single thing, always turns out to be, when we are messing around with people we should never have had anything to do with. Abusers abuse because they are abusers. It such a paltry little true thing that in trying to ferret out the complexities, we miss it. There is no mystery here. There is no value to the sacrifice of our positive self regard and there is no magical cure for the strangely ill internalized mother, directing our self sabotage to this day. This is my lightbulb moment for today: Those bad feelings of sadness or powerlessness or shame may be payment we are making ~ may be sacrifice to the internalized mother within. That is what I am looking at. And I think I am on to something big. I feel like Ed Sullivan. :O) Too bad I am stuck in italics. Drat. *** Self-abnegation simply means they will not see us at all. Let go of it. Sit with the feelings and go on with your day. Those things they taught us were wrong. Self-sabotage is how we protected ourselves from our mothers. If we hurt ourselves first we can control the amount of damage and deflect the energy of the blast from the living heart of us. That is over now. Time to reclaim ourselves. Think about it. Where does this intensity of feeling, this never-ending worry, worry, worry come from. It may be that we were pretty fully recovered when we were young and strong and creating our own lives. Whether the issue is an illness or an addiction, when our children fell into troubled times, we went back to the bottom lines of our childhoods: Self sacrifice, self sabotage, self-abnegation. We broke, and we broke on purpose. Stop it. There is a better way. If we have determined that we were raised by a narcissist shading into malignancy, it is as Copa suggests: We find ourselves in the margins of the template that describes them. We will have internalized the positives to their negatives (or vice versa). I am monitoring my feeling states about everything from waking up to tasting coffee to going to work to everything, ferreting out my mother and kicking my sister in the ***. It is one thing to be subservient to a freaked up mother and father and another thing altogether to enable a sister. Especially in honor of some creepy pact designed to keep me hooked in. Yuck. Cedar A great post, Copa. I have been able to go deeper into my own business here through it. :O) Sorry about the italics. [/I] [/QUOTE]
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