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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679572" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I do appreciate that Cedar and Copa, thank you.</p><p>Again, I thank you, though I do not feel I am doing well. I am having a hard time of it. I am being swept away by a current of sadness right now. I am not balanced at all.</p><p> I admire your intelligence and wit, although it can be a bit intimidating for me, not from your end,<em> but from my educational background</em>. I am not in the same league. I read and reread your reply, maybe that is where the issue is? Not you, or me, or even misconstruing, but we were coming from different wavelengths?</p><p> I think one of the hardest things for me is the risk and exposure. In that, maybe that is what I need to work on the most. Even with my artwork. I have to stop fearing how others perceive me. Please forgive me if I offend, I am still feeling very raw. I would say one of my biggest enemies is my <em>uncertainty. </em>I don't go about this way always, but I do have too much self doubt, and that increases exponentially when I am over-feeling.</p><p>Thank you Copa, that is most generous and kind of you.</p><p>It is with a bit of trepidation that I write, because as I said, I am not at the level you are.</p><p>I am not challenging <em>what you have written</em>, it is from your understanding of things. It is logical and thought out.</p><p>I should have been more careful in my wording, it did not convey well what I was trying to say.</p><p>Please bear with me as I try to explain.</p><p>Please also keep in mind that we are from different plains of intellect.</p><p> I will say again, that I did not express myself well. So it wasn't even your misconstruing, <em>it was my writing</em>. In posting here, I am finding myself going back to how I felt as a child. It is almost like time travel. Like I am there again. It is very painful. I am writing from a very emotionally charged state.</p><p>As I am writing this, my stomach is burning and my throat is welling. I can't even tell you why. Okay, that is a lie. I am afraid. There, I said it. So deep breath.</p><p></p><p>I think your response was from logic and intellect, and my post was mostly born of emotion. In all honesty,<em> truthfully, I am seeking </em>validation, compassion, understanding. Is that not part of a piece to the puzzle of being here? Of feeling safe and able to share? Am I confusing the purpose with the other forums? Maybe I am in the wrong in looking for that here in FOO? </p><p>If I have broken the rules of engagement, please forgive me.</p><p>If you wish me not to post here, I will honor that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I read through your post Copa, and see your points. I also see that I have a problem and am weak, when it comes to asserting myself in certain things. </p><p>I do not always feel this way.</p><p>It comes and goes.</p><p>I find myself feeling more vulnerable and weak when delving into my past.</p><p>I feel like sh*t.</p><p>Really.</p><p>So, when a few sentences were pulled out of my post, and the whole context ignored, I felt picked apart. Wrong. Confused. Misunderstood. Hurt. I apologize, I am a blubbering mess right now.</p><p>I felt like everything else I had written was ignored.</p><p>It hurt.</p><p>I know that was not your intention Copa, you are not a mean person.</p><p>I am not blaming you.</p><p>I am ashamed.</p><p>Maybe I need to cloister myself. </p><p>Thank you Insane. I am sorry at my reaction and wrong wording.</p><p>I do try my best at school to treat each child with loving care. I am just a health aide, not a teacher.</p><p> Pretty low on the totem pole. I do help out as best I can, wherever I can and try to treat each child with loving kindness, no matter what the circumstance. </p><p>I do so love all of the kids I work with, especially those with difficulties. </p><p> I admire children and people who have a strong sense of self. Assertive. Confident. Self assured. </p><p>Those are personality traits I aspire to. Some days I get there, but there is always this nagging underlying feeling of unworthiness. It is a struggle to overcome. </p><p>I think the hardest part of going back into my past, is feeling all of those old feelings through and through.</p><p> I feel physically ill. I want to vomit. Headache, stomach ache.</p><p> It is a purging.</p><p>It is excruciating.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I was wondering about this response, Copa. It was the bane of my existence that my sibs were this way. My d cs are this way, also, and I think it sent me reeling back into those times as a child. So this response puzzles me. Could you help me understand?</p><p></p><p> I do not want you to muzzle yourself. Of course not. I am fascinated by your posts.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you Serenity, this was very kind of you. I am going through a low, here. I think I understand your post in my Sensitivity thread about "getting better". I need to work on that........getting better, so that I don't take everything so personally and am not so devastated, for what? </p><p>Yes, that is the hard part of being sensitive, the curse of it.</p><p> Thank you Swot, I am grateful for this. It was and is very comforting, to feel validated and supported.</p><p>I am going through something maybe even unnamable.</p><p></p><p>It is not in regards to Copa or Insane and their response, it is all on me and being inside out and upside down.</p><p></p><p>I mean no harm to anyone either.</p><p>I am sorry for the uproar and turmoil I have caused.</p><p></p><p>I love all of you guys.</p><p>I don't really love myself right now.</p><p></p><p>leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679572, member: 19522"] I do appreciate that Cedar and Copa, thank you. Again, I thank you, though I do not feel I am doing well. I am having a hard time of it. I am being swept away by a current of sadness right now. I am not balanced at all. I admire your intelligence and wit, although it can be a bit intimidating for me, not from your end,[I] but from my educational background[/I]. I am not in the same league. I read and reread your reply, maybe that is where the issue is? Not you, or me, or even misconstruing, but we were coming from different wavelengths? I think one of the hardest things for me is the risk and exposure. In that, maybe that is what I need to work on the most. Even with my artwork. I have to stop fearing how others perceive me. Please forgive me if I offend, I am still feeling very raw. I would say one of my biggest enemies is my [I]uncertainty. [/I]I don't go about this way always, but I do have too much self doubt, and that increases exponentially when I am over-feeling. Thank you Copa, that is most generous and kind of you. It is with a bit of trepidation that I write, because as I said, I am not at the level you are. I am not challenging [I]what you have written[/I], it is from your understanding of things. It is logical and thought out. I should have been more careful in my wording, it did not convey well what I was trying to say. Please bear with me as I try to explain. Please also keep in mind that we are from different plains of intellect. I will say again, that I did not express myself well. So it wasn't even your misconstruing, [I]it was my writing[/I]. In posting here, I am finding myself going back to how I felt as a child. It is almost like time travel. Like I am there again. It is very painful. I am writing from a very emotionally charged state. As I am writing this, my stomach is burning and my throat is welling. I can't even tell you why. Okay, that is a lie. I am afraid. There, I said it. So deep breath. I think your response was from logic and intellect, and my post was mostly born of emotion. In all honesty,[I] truthfully, I am seeking [/I]validation, compassion, understanding. Is that not part of a piece to the puzzle of being here? Of feeling safe and able to share? Am I confusing the purpose with the other forums? Maybe I am in the wrong in looking for that here in FOO? If I have broken the rules of engagement, please forgive me. If you wish me not to post here, I will honor that. I read through your post Copa, and see your points. I also see that I have a problem and am weak, when it comes to asserting myself in certain things. I do not always feel this way. It comes and goes. I find myself feeling more vulnerable and weak when delving into my past. I feel like sh*t. Really. So, when a few sentences were pulled out of my post, and the whole context ignored, I felt picked apart. Wrong. Confused. Misunderstood. Hurt. I apologize, I am a blubbering mess right now. I felt like everything else I had written was ignored. It hurt. I know that was not your intention Copa, you are not a mean person. I am not blaming you. I am ashamed. Maybe I need to cloister myself. Thank you Insane. I am sorry at my reaction and wrong wording. I do try my best at school to treat each child with loving care. I am just a health aide, not a teacher. Pretty low on the totem pole. I do help out as best I can, wherever I can and try to treat each child with loving kindness, no matter what the circumstance. I do so love all of the kids I work with, especially those with difficulties. I admire children and people who have a strong sense of self. Assertive. Confident. Self assured. Those are personality traits I aspire to. Some days I get there, but there is always this nagging underlying feeling of unworthiness. It is a struggle to overcome. I think the hardest part of going back into my past, is feeling all of those old feelings through and through. I feel physically ill. I want to vomit. Headache, stomach ache. It is a purging. It is excruciating. I was wondering about this response, Copa. It was the bane of my existence that my sibs were this way. My d cs are this way, also, and I think it sent me reeling back into those times as a child. So this response puzzles me. Could you help me understand? I do not want you to muzzle yourself. Of course not. I am fascinated by your posts. Thank you Serenity, this was very kind of you. I am going through a low, here. I think I understand your post in my Sensitivity thread about "getting better". I need to work on that........getting better, so that I don't take everything so personally and am not so devastated, for what? Yes, that is the hard part of being sensitive, the curse of it. Thank you Swot, I am grateful for this. It was and is very comforting, to feel validated and supported. I am going through something maybe even unnamable. It is not in regards to Copa or Insane and their response, it is all on me and being inside out and upside down. I mean no harm to anyone either. I am sorry for the uproar and turmoil I have caused. I love all of you guys. I don't really love myself right now. leaf [/QUOTE]
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