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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679965" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>True. I think too, that even when they were not around, they were in my head. Ewww, my whole life.</p><p></p><p> You are right, Cedar, I have taken on the role of my own abuser.</p><p></p><p> True. Still does, by my last fight with Sis. Not for me, for her.</p><p></p><p> It is extraordinary, every bit of it.</p><p></p><p> How do I feel now, or then? I will start with then. I was smart, I didn't listen. I skated away. I am trying to remember how I felt, it was so long ago. You know, all that keeps popping in my mind is I felt defiant, and strong. I liked to push myself with physical movement, even way back then. It was my release. Interesting, how I knew at 5, not to listen to them. I had already been through so many goadings to do this or that. I think because Dad was there, I had a sense of security. I remember skating away fast as I could to the bank where Dad was chatting.</p><p>Now? At first I felt surprised at myself, like I had created this memory. It came to me so <em>vividly.</em>.....so clearly. Then I felt angry... fr!ck3r$ tried to kill me. Then I felt sad, a lot of other memories just came flooding in, stuff I had repressed. It was an ah hah moment. I do not feel angry at them, they were just kids. But I do wonder Cedar, because I was 5, sis, 6, bro, 7. I think kids at this age do have a concept of how to treat others.</p><p>How do I feel about the goading to skate on thin ice. Hmm. I feel angry that the dares got to something that outrageous and dangerous. Angry, that at that age,<em> I couldn't tell anyone</em>. I feel proud that I didn't do it, that I had the sense to skate away. Good for you Leafy, good job. I stuck up for myself. Yay me. I just wonder, how the heck did they get to be so mean?</p><p></p><p> Perfection is a big one on my list. Dad was a perfectionist, Mom, too. I can be with certain things. Perfectionism is an artists bane, crippling.</p><p></p><p> That will feel good Cedar, to <em>really celebrate. I am getting there. </em></p><p></p><p> Yes we can. Sometimes necessary to remember why we are here in FOO, in the first place. The hello's OMG, that really did happen.......the hellllooooo, no wonder this and that.....</p><p>Yes, none of their business.</p><p>We do wake up as ourselves and have the God given right and duty to feel comfortable in or own skins. I am feeling it is our moral obligation to do this.</p><p>Then we can say from the mountain tops, free at last, free at last thank God almighty we are free at last.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679965, member: 19522"] True. I think too, that even when they were not around, they were in my head. Ewww, my whole life. You are right, Cedar, I have taken on the role of my own abuser. True. Still does, by my last fight with Sis. Not for me, for her. It is extraordinary, every bit of it. How do I feel now, or then? I will start with then. I was smart, I didn't listen. I skated away. I am trying to remember how I felt, it was so long ago. You know, all that keeps popping in my mind is I felt defiant, and strong. I liked to push myself with physical movement, even way back then. It was my release. Interesting, how I knew at 5, not to listen to them. I had already been through so many goadings to do this or that. I think because Dad was there, I had a sense of security. I remember skating away fast as I could to the bank where Dad was chatting. Now? At first I felt surprised at myself, like I had created this memory. It came to me so [I]vividly.[/I].....so clearly. Then I felt angry... fr!ck3r$ tried to kill me. Then I felt sad, a lot of other memories just came flooding in, stuff I had repressed. It was an ah hah moment. I do not feel angry at them, they were just kids. But I do wonder Cedar, because I was 5, sis, 6, bro, 7. I think kids at this age do have a concept of how to treat others. How do I feel about the goading to skate on thin ice. Hmm. I feel angry that the dares got to something that outrageous and dangerous. Angry, that at that age,[I] I couldn't tell anyone[/I]. I feel proud that I didn't do it, that I had the sense to skate away. Good for you Leafy, good job. I stuck up for myself. Yay me. I just wonder, how the heck did they get to be so mean? Perfection is a big one on my list. Dad was a perfectionist, Mom, too. I can be with certain things. Perfectionism is an artists bane, crippling. That will feel good Cedar, to [I]really celebrate. I am getting there. [/I] Yes we can. Sometimes necessary to remember why we are here in FOO, in the first place. The hello's OMG, that really did happen.......the hellllooooo, no wonder this and that..... Yes, none of their business. We do wake up as ourselves and have the God given right and duty to feel comfortable in or own skins. I am feeling it is our moral obligation to do this. Then we can say from the mountain tops, free at last, free at last thank God almighty we are free at last. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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