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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 680133" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I have been viewing and reviewing for most of my adult life, without witness. Now that I have gone deeper and written here, I am beginning to understand with your help that<em> what happened did happen. </em>It wasn't my imagination, it isn't comparable to anyone else's experience, because it is what I went through as a child, and it was wrong. It was wrong for me to grow up so confused and unsure of myself, at the hands of others. I cannot go back and change it, but it helps clear up a lot of unanswered questions. Thank you, thank you, for being my witnesses, following along, reading and asking questions, sharing experiences and thoughts.</p><p></p><p>Yes, it is true, unravel it to have the feelings. At some point, I just went numb. I thought it was protection. But numbing wasn't protection, everything was still there, unresolved, festering. By 13, I hated myself. Gave up on school. At 14, I was drugged and raped by a 24 year old. I groggily woke up to the weight of him, finishing his filthy, perverse misdeed. I remember washing, scrubbing away that last bit of my childhood, crimson tinged water swirling into the shower drain.</p><p>I was empty.</p><p>I couldn't even cry.</p><p>I had lost so much by then, I didn't care.</p><p>I didn't tell a soul.</p><p>That is when I went off the rails, when I couldn't bear any of it, any longer.</p><p>I disappeared even further into role, burying myself.</p><p>Experimented with drugs.</p><p>My parents had no idea what I was going through.</p><p>No idea.</p><p></p><p>Years later, as the memory came back to haunt me, I felt ashamed and guilty, tarnished.</p><p>It wasn't my fault. I was lured, tricked. The perfect victim. </p><p>Again, for the uncountable nth time.</p><p>I felt worthless. At 14.</p><p>I fought my way back and quit all that stuff at 19.</p><p>I fought to gain a sense of self.</p><p></p><p> Yes, certainly two wrongs don't make a right. I think I have not explained correctly.</p><p></p><p>I am fighting for the right to be me. It shouldn't even be a fight,<em> I am me.</em></p><p></p><p>My sis is fine with me<em> as long as I shape my opinions and perspective to hers. </em></p><p></p><p>What I tried to write is that I have differing perspective,and it is okay, just as it is okay for her to think and feel as she does. It is everyones right to their own opinion. She has hers, as I have mine.</p><p></p><p>But, there is such a thing as filtering thoughts and words that might hurt others.</p><p>Etiquette, appropriateness, respect.</p><p>That is what led to the fight we had last fall.</p><p>Disrespect.</p><p></p><p>The afternoon we argued on my fall trip, is because she did not want my Mom to have the bronchoscopy.</p><p>Mom was determined to do it.</p><p>I had come to the conclusion, that Mom had made up her mind and I would support her.</p><p>Sis was still trying to convince Mom not to go through with it.</p><p>She, made a comment to Mom, as we left that was cruel.</p><p>Mom said "When will I see you again" sis replied slowly "You mean IF I see you again" glaring at Mom.</p><p>Moms face dropped.</p><p>As we drove off, I commented to Sis, that it was not a nice thing to say, <em>she blew up at me.</em></p><p>The old Leafy would not have said anything.</p><p>I do understand we were all tense, dealing with Moms illness.</p><p>I also know that my sister will play nice under <em>her terms</em>.</p><p>This is a remnant of our past. I must follow her rules. Be compliant, bend to her opinion, "side" with her.</p><p>I do not see myself as needing to be subservient to her. Tiptoeing around everything, acquiescing constantly, so as not to "rile" her.</p><p>I spoke up. I think she was shocked.......</p><p>I was myself, NOT the Leafy she had groomed to be her "pet" to say and do her bidding, or squelch my true voice.</p><p>I won't follow "her rules" of the game.</p><p>I was not mean, or loud, just voiced my opinion, and because it did not reflect the Leafy she would like me to be, she exploded on me.</p><p>It is not that I am only Leafy with sis' permission. I am supposed to be the role she has created for me. Not me.</p><p></p><p>But, I am me, and I will be me, not a shadow of myself to suit HER. Me being me is not a bad thing. I am still a nice person. I have my own thoughts.</p><p></p><p>We argued in the car. I asked her to stop yelling at me, she was enraged.</p><p>Of course, I cried, and yes,<em> I did eventually yell back at her.</em></p><p></p><p>I called her a "dominatrix sister" okay,<em> wrong word</em>, but as I look back and think on it, she<em> was</em>, she mind f***ed me, my whole life.</p><p>Okay, that is wrong, not my <em>whole life</em>, my childhood and sporadically onward.....then....<em>I did the rest</em>.</p><p></p><p>The argument was all so asinine.</p><p>We did talk after, and I apologized.</p><p></p><p>Stepping out of the circle, what am I fighting for?</p><p></p><p>The right to be myself, to be real, when I am with my sis. But it isn't a fight, is it.....It is about being real and not role, and that is up to ME, not her.</p><p></p><p>I have drifted in and out of this role.</p><p></p><p>In spite of everything, I have carved out a pretty beautiful life.</p><p></p><p>It is when things get rough and raw, that the role reappears.</p><p></p><p>So, I need to embrace that child that was me, <em>is</em> me, and say,</p><p>"It is okay Leafy, you can do this, it was not you that was broken.</p><p>It was never you.</p><p>It just was."</p><p></p><p>When we arrived at my brothers house, you can guess what I did.......<em>yup I walked into the woods and cried. </em>She tried to talk with my kids, to explain herself, and put me in my place....... my kids were polite with her, but later told me what happened. My Blossom said, "Aunty is Aunty, you are you, we get it Mom. Don't let her walk all over you, but no sense arguing with her, you will never win." Hoku, the younger more vocal and protective, does not like my sister. I try to explain to her that there are different people everywhere, that my sister is not a bad person, just, well, herself.</p><p></p><p>Now, I am realizing that I do have to be careful when I am around her, that I do not slip back into role. That is where those memories just come flooding in and take over. This, I need to work on.</p><p>I do love her. What happened when we were children was horrific, for me. Maybe not for her. You are correct, Cedar, she sees it differently. It is okay. We were only children.</p><p> Yes. I will make time to cry in the sunshine. Not locked up in my room, like crying is a bad thing that needs to be hidden......</p><p></p><p> Thank you Cedar. I will rephrase, not garbage, the DUNG. Wash out the dung. It does no good festering up inside of me, but cleaning it out, will open up new possibilities. Shiny, bright and clean in the stables, and new growth in the fields below.</p><p></p><p>Like the weeds I wrote of in the garden, those terribly fast growing choke- out -the good plants -weeds. If we pull them and throw them in a compost heap, they break down and become good, rich compost.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar, Copa, Insane, as always, your posts are very thought provoking and healing. I am truly appreciative of the time you take to raise questions, share your perspective and walk through this with me.</p><p></p><p>I am feeling better every day.</p><p></p><p>leafy</p><p></p><p><em>On the story of Joseph........</em>Jacob, his father, loved Joseph and favored him as the son of his beloved Rachael, also as the dreamer of dreams. God's blessing.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://biblehub.com/library/marshall/the_wonder_book_of_bible_stories/the_story_of_joseph_and.htm" target="_blank">http://biblehub.com/library/marshall/the_wonder_book_of_bible_stories/the_story_of_joseph_and.htm</a></p><p></p><p>Jacob was tricked by his sons into thinking Joseph had been killed by a beast in the wilderness. He did not collude with the brothers........He mourned the loss of his son.</p><p></p><p>leafy</p><p></p><p></p><p>Up this morning we went, to the mountain top. A beautiful crisp day. The trail is paved and winds up 500 feet to a vantage point above the small lighthouse. At the cliffs edge are spine tingling, breath taking views of cobalt ocean bejeweled with sparkling sun rays and churning white water cresting atop gnarled black lava rocks.</p><p>Photos do not do justice to the magnificence.</p><p>It was a wonderful moment.</p><p></p><p><img src="http://www.apictureofhawaii.com/images/sliders/makapuutrail1.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p><img src="http://www.gohawaii.com/treks/oahu/images/features/makapuu-lighthouse-trail.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 10px">photos from the internet (I do not know how to upload my own!)</span></p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 680133, member: 19522"] I have been viewing and reviewing for most of my adult life, without witness. Now that I have gone deeper and written here, I am beginning to understand with your help that[I] what happened did happen. [/I]It wasn't my imagination, it isn't comparable to anyone else's experience, because it is what I went through as a child, and it was wrong. It was wrong for me to grow up so confused and unsure of myself, at the hands of others. I cannot go back and change it, but it helps clear up a lot of unanswered questions. Thank you, thank you, for being my witnesses, following along, reading and asking questions, sharing experiences and thoughts. Yes, it is true, unravel it to have the feelings. At some point, I just went numb. I thought it was protection. But numbing wasn't protection, everything was still there, unresolved, festering. By 13, I hated myself. Gave up on school. At 14, I was drugged and raped by a 24 year old. I groggily woke up to the weight of him, finishing his filthy, perverse misdeed. I remember washing, scrubbing away that last bit of my childhood, crimson tinged water swirling into the shower drain. I was empty. I couldn't even cry. I had lost so much by then, I didn't care. I didn't tell a soul. That is when I went off the rails, when I couldn't bear any of it, any longer. I disappeared even further into role, burying myself. Experimented with drugs. My parents had no idea what I was going through. No idea. Years later, as the memory came back to haunt me, I felt ashamed and guilty, tarnished. It wasn't my fault. I was lured, tricked. The perfect victim. Again, for the uncountable nth time. I felt worthless. At 14. I fought my way back and quit all that stuff at 19. I fought to gain a sense of self. Yes, certainly two wrongs don't make a right. I think I have not explained correctly. I am fighting for the right to be me. It shouldn't even be a fight,[I] I am me.[/I] My sis is fine with me[I] as long as I shape my opinions and perspective to hers. [/I] What I tried to write is that I have differing perspective,and it is okay, just as it is okay for her to think and feel as she does. It is everyones right to their own opinion. She has hers, as I have mine. But, there is such a thing as filtering thoughts and words that might hurt others. Etiquette, appropriateness, respect. That is what led to the fight we had last fall. Disrespect. The afternoon we argued on my fall trip, is because she did not want my Mom to have the bronchoscopy. Mom was determined to do it. I had come to the conclusion, that Mom had made up her mind and I would support her. Sis was still trying to convince Mom not to go through with it. She, made a comment to Mom, as we left that was cruel. Mom said "When will I see you again" sis replied slowly "You mean IF I see you again" glaring at Mom. Moms face dropped. As we drove off, I commented to Sis, that it was not a nice thing to say, [I]she blew up at me.[/I] The old Leafy would not have said anything. I do understand we were all tense, dealing with Moms illness. I also know that my sister will play nice under [I]her terms[/I]. This is a remnant of our past. I must follow her rules. Be compliant, bend to her opinion, "side" with her. I do not see myself as needing to be subservient to her. Tiptoeing around everything, acquiescing constantly, so as not to "rile" her. I spoke up. I think she was shocked....... I was myself, NOT the Leafy she had groomed to be her "pet" to say and do her bidding, or squelch my true voice. I won't follow "her rules" of the game. I was not mean, or loud, just voiced my opinion, and because it did not reflect the Leafy she would like me to be, she exploded on me. It is not that I am only Leafy with sis' permission. I am supposed to be the role she has created for me. Not me. But, I am me, and I will be me, not a shadow of myself to suit HER. Me being me is not a bad thing. I am still a nice person. I have my own thoughts. We argued in the car. I asked her to stop yelling at me, she was enraged. Of course, I cried, and yes,[I] I did eventually yell back at her.[/I] I called her a "dominatrix sister" okay,[I] wrong word[/I], but as I look back and think on it, she[I] was[/I], she mind f***ed me, my whole life. Okay, that is wrong, not my [I]whole life[/I], my childhood and sporadically onward.....then....[I]I did the rest[/I]. The argument was all so asinine. We did talk after, and I apologized. Stepping out of the circle, what am I fighting for? The right to be myself, to be real, when I am with my sis. But it isn't a fight, is it.....It is about being real and not role, and that is up to ME, not her. I have drifted in and out of this role. In spite of everything, I have carved out a pretty beautiful life. It is when things get rough and raw, that the role reappears. So, I need to embrace that child that was me, [I]is[/I] me, and say, "It is okay Leafy, you can do this, it was not you that was broken. It was never you. It just was." When we arrived at my brothers house, you can guess what I did.......[I]yup I walked into the woods and cried. [/I]She tried to talk with my kids, to explain herself, and put me in my place....... my kids were polite with her, but later told me what happened. My Blossom said, "Aunty is Aunty, you are you, we get it Mom. Don't let her walk all over you, but no sense arguing with her, you will never win." Hoku, the younger more vocal and protective, does not like my sister. I try to explain to her that there are different people everywhere, that my sister is not a bad person, just, well, herself. Now, I am realizing that I do have to be careful when I am around her, that I do not slip back into role. That is where those memories just come flooding in and take over. This, I need to work on. I do love her. What happened when we were children was horrific, for me. Maybe not for her. You are correct, Cedar, she sees it differently. It is okay. We were only children. Yes. I will make time to cry in the sunshine. Not locked up in my room, like crying is a bad thing that needs to be hidden...... Thank you Cedar. I will rephrase, not garbage, the DUNG. Wash out the dung. It does no good festering up inside of me, but cleaning it out, will open up new possibilities. Shiny, bright and clean in the stables, and new growth in the fields below. Like the weeds I wrote of in the garden, those terribly fast growing choke- out -the good plants -weeds. If we pull them and throw them in a compost heap, they break down and become good, rich compost. Thank you Cedar, Copa, Insane, as always, your posts are very thought provoking and healing. I am truly appreciative of the time you take to raise questions, share your perspective and walk through this with me. I am feeling better every day. leafy [I]On the story of Joseph........[/I]Jacob, his father, loved Joseph and favored him as the son of his beloved Rachael, also as the dreamer of dreams. God's blessing. [URL]http://biblehub.com/library/marshall/the_wonder_book_of_bible_stories/the_story_of_joseph_and.htm[/URL] Jacob was tricked by his sons into thinking Joseph had been killed by a beast in the wilderness. He did not collude with the brothers........He mourned the loss of his son. leafy Up this morning we went, to the mountain top. A beautiful crisp day. The trail is paved and winds up 500 feet to a vantage point above the small lighthouse. At the cliffs edge are spine tingling, breath taking views of cobalt ocean bejeweled with sparkling sun rays and churning white water cresting atop gnarled black lava rocks. Photos do not do justice to the magnificence. It was a wonderful moment. [IMG]http://www.apictureofhawaii.com/images/sliders/makapuutrail1.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://www.gohawaii.com/treks/oahu/images/features/makapuu-lighthouse-trail.jpg[/IMG] [SIZE=2]photos from the internet (I do not know how to upload my own!)[/SIZE] leafy [/QUOTE]
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