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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 680209" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>No Cedar, there is something wrong with what happened. To lose my virginity to a low life snake who slipped something in my drink to knock me out, so he could have his way with me, was wrong of him. To wake up to him on top of me, and feel <em>nothing, </em>is a testament to what I had learned to feel about myself, at the tender age of 14. I did not choose that. It was rape, Cedar, rape. I felt like a nothing. Nothing. That was wrong, very, very wrong. It disgusts me, and as I review it, now, I can be enraged, for that young girl, who was me, is me, to be so degraded and cheapened and used, by this worm, and then numbly watch my innocence swirl down the drain. It was not my choice. I was drugged and forced upon.</p><p>I am horrified at this thought that I had absolutely no sense of myself to be outraged. I didn't tell anyone.</p><p>It was a terrible thing to happen, <em>and I didn't care</em>. It was just another straw on the camels back of many I had lived through. That straw did break me, and I went down a path of self destruction for five years.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Cedar we did, and we do. It is different than what is wished for, for sure. My lil sis in-laws have the kind of family you write of, she laments that our FOO is not close. This huge Italian family she married into, get together all of the time and have the dinners and gatherings. They lived close by to one another for their who lives. We moved several times. I ended up staying here in Hawaii, they on the East Coast. Though it is not what I would hope for, it is what it is. It is up to me, to figure out my relationship with my sibs. I am not harboring resentment. Just feeling a bit sad, that my childhood was so harsh. They were children, too.</p><p> Yes, my sis can still be overbearing, but I do love her. </p><p>It is not denial of what happened. I love my FOO.</p><p>They are human.</p><p>Human is hard.</p><p></p><p> Yes, that is the question, the right thing to do going forward. It is a huge weight lifted, knowing what happened, and that I am not some crazy person making up stories. I will get to that place of honoring the good and bad of my story, after the initial shock wears down. I am no longer teetering tottering between belief or not in the memories. Standing on solid ground and validating them for myself, but I still have the residual affect of trying to find equilibrium.</p><p></p><p> It is something. I have to wonder how many people are out there struggling with this sort of thing. I have spoken with a few friends who have similar experiences. When we do talk of growing up this way, there is an instant kindred feeling. It is something, just to come this far in life without <em>really looking at it</em>. It is something, to be 56, and finally start to see things through my own eyes. Not that I didn't ever before, see with my own eyes, I did, but there was always that underlying current.</p><p></p><p>To that little girl with the red balloon, I can say this</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]q9ayN39xmsI[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>One step closer, with each truth revealed and my eyes opened. Love covering over all those times of self doubt and confusion-----worth a thousand years. How brave she (I) was to come out of this. I can hold her close and comfort her, knowing that I (she) did the best we could under difficult circumstances. One step closer, to being truly me, seeing through my own eyes.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Cedar. I am beginning to feel better, in spite of everything to feel blessed. Like this........</p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]8gE7Ex2lnFY[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>The endless possibilities of what comes next..........</p><p> Rachels older sister Leah. Jacob was promised Rachel, but tricked into marrying Leah. He eventually married Rachel, too.</p><p></p><p> Joseph had great faith in God. He had many tests and trials regarding his faith. He relied on his faith throughout his ordeal.</p><p>It was faith that helped Joseph stay on course with himself. Is faith internal or external locus of control? To have such faith in God, a supreme higher power, that no matter what happened, that faith directed Josephs choice? That he always looked towards his higher power, no matter what the circumstances, and his choices and actions were directed through that faith and what he believed to be right. Joseph had the gift of dreams and visions. He was unshakable.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar, and all. I am feeling much better today.</p><p>Off to new adventures. Life is beautiful.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 680209, member: 19522"] No Cedar, there is something wrong with what happened. To lose my virginity to a low life snake who slipped something in my drink to knock me out, so he could have his way with me, was wrong of him. To wake up to him on top of me, and feel [I]nothing, [/I]is a testament to what I had learned to feel about myself, at the tender age of 14. I did not choose that. It was rape, Cedar, rape. I felt like a nothing. Nothing. That was wrong, very, very wrong. It disgusts me, and as I review it, now, I can be enraged, for that young girl, who was me, is me, to be so degraded and cheapened and used, by this worm, and then numbly watch my innocence swirl down the drain. It was not my choice. I was drugged and forced upon. I am horrified at this thought that I had absolutely no sense of myself to be outraged. I didn't tell anyone. It was a terrible thing to happen, [I]and I didn't care[/I]. It was just another straw on the camels back of many I had lived through. That straw did break me, and I went down a path of self destruction for five years. Yes, Cedar we did, and we do. It is different than what is wished for, for sure. My lil sis in-laws have the kind of family you write of, she laments that our FOO is not close. This huge Italian family she married into, get together all of the time and have the dinners and gatherings. They lived close by to one another for their who lives. We moved several times. I ended up staying here in Hawaii, they on the East Coast. Though it is not what I would hope for, it is what it is. It is up to me, to figure out my relationship with my sibs. I am not harboring resentment. Just feeling a bit sad, that my childhood was so harsh. They were children, too. Yes, my sis can still be overbearing, but I do love her. It is not denial of what happened. I love my FOO. They are human. Human is hard. Yes, that is the question, the right thing to do going forward. It is a huge weight lifted, knowing what happened, and that I am not some crazy person making up stories. I will get to that place of honoring the good and bad of my story, after the initial shock wears down. I am no longer teetering tottering between belief or not in the memories. Standing on solid ground and validating them for myself, but I still have the residual affect of trying to find equilibrium. It is something. I have to wonder how many people are out there struggling with this sort of thing. I have spoken with a few friends who have similar experiences. When we do talk of growing up this way, there is an instant kindred feeling. It is something, just to come this far in life without [I]really looking at it[/I]. It is something, to be 56, and finally start to see things through my own eyes. Not that I didn't ever before, see with my own eyes, I did, but there was always that underlying current. To that little girl with the red balloon, I can say this [MEDIA=youtube]q9ayN39xmsI[/MEDIA] One step closer, with each truth revealed and my eyes opened. Love covering over all those times of self doubt and confusion-----worth a thousand years. How brave she (I) was to come out of this. I can hold her close and comfort her, knowing that I (she) did the best we could under difficult circumstances. One step closer, to being truly me, seeing through my own eyes. Thank you Cedar. I am beginning to feel better, in spite of everything to feel blessed. Like this........ [MEDIA=youtube]8gE7Ex2lnFY[/MEDIA] The endless possibilities of what comes next.......... Rachels older sister Leah. Jacob was promised Rachel, but tricked into marrying Leah. He eventually married Rachel, too. Joseph had great faith in God. He had many tests and trials regarding his faith. He relied on his faith throughout his ordeal. It was faith that helped Joseph stay on course with himself. Is faith internal or external locus of control? To have such faith in God, a supreme higher power, that no matter what happened, that faith directed Josephs choice? That he always looked towards his higher power, no matter what the circumstances, and his choices and actions were directed through that faith and what he believed to be right. Joseph had the gift of dreams and visions. He was unshakable. Thank you Cedar, and all. I am feeling much better today. Off to new adventures. Life is beautiful. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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