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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 680292" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is a version of what you lived with your family, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't that the straw broke you. It is that you had been brought up to break yourself. You had been brought up to take whatever the punishment was, whatever the betrayal was, <em>and blame yourself. </em>(And not care. that is the translation of blaming yourself, New Leaf. You know this already. We cannot see ourselves. That is why FOO Chronicles works. We can see, for one another.) Anyway, to that degree (and it looks to me to have been total), you froze. There is a gulf now between you and the who that was you in that time. Every time something like this happened, whether it was a physical betrayal or, worse, an emotional one, another gulf formed; another part of you was frozen.</p><p></p><p>But just look at you now, New Leaf, coming back.</p><p></p><p>Is there a way you could volunteer at a rape crisis center, Leafy?</p><p></p><p>You would be so good for those young girls, and those women, and I think it would help you to heal, to learn to stop judging yourself as you do. Or a Women's Shelter.</p><p></p><p>It happened, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>Hold that young girl, that young woman that was you, with compassion. Not disgust, New Leaf.</p><p></p><p>Compassion.</p><p></p><p>She is human.</p><p></p><p>She is alone with it.</p><p></p><p>She merits and deserves your protection. Your true protection. You are right. It is hard to be human. I see you leveling contempt at the male.</p><p></p><p>He does not matter. Who cares whether he is a contemptible imitation of what a good man is. Other men, decent men, will have recognized and taken care of him, by this time. They will have, Leafy. Real men, good men are very strong, and very moral. </p><p></p><p>Think about Lil's Jabber.</p><p></p><p>You matter. Not Mr. I have to drug innocent girls so they will stay still long enough for me too get anywhere near them.</p><p></p><p>Yuck, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>Nonetheless, your job is to hold yourself with compassion. And you are not doing that, or your emphasis would not be on that worm of a manlessness who has surely been beat into submission by real men by this time.</p><p></p><p>And you are leaving yourself alone in your heart because somehow, you have learned to hold yourself in contempt over what happened. Many things, terrible terrible things Leafy, happen to every one of us. Those who come back, those who make a difference to the screaming evil in the world, have saved themselves, first.</p><p></p><p>Oxygen mask rules: Apply yours first, or everybody dies.</p><p></p><p>Compassion for you, Leafy. For the girl that you were when you learned what they taught you about your value. For the beautiful, blossoming young woman, strong and straight, who survived the predator, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>That is the only thing that matters about what happened.</p><p></p><p>You lived.</p><p></p><p>Part of what you are not seeing ~ and you need to see it, Leafy ~ is that someone who would enjoy a drugged young woman is a thief. Thieves escalate.</p><p></p><p>You were lucky to have escaped with your life.</p><p></p><p>That is (maybe) why the imagery of the blood is traumatic enough to be what you remember. For me, it connects to the pond, and the skating on thin ice and your anger over that.</p><p></p><p>You will know whether that connection works for you or not.</p><p></p><p>I think you aren't allowing yourself to remember the rest.</p><p></p><p>But New Leaf: It doesn't matter. That man doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>YOU LIVED</p><p></p><p>Now, you get to decide what you are going to do with your own, beautiful life.</p><p></p><p>Like, breathe. Or, drink your tea.</p><p></p><p>No one can bring us back Leafy but ourselves. We can talk about it here, but we cannot say words magic enough to make healing happen.</p><p></p><p>But you can.</p><p></p><p>You already know them.</p><p></p><p>It is just that someone taught you (Just don't think, Cedar. Don't you dare.) never, ever to say those words that will heal you.</p><p></p><p>Say them.</p><p></p><p>Shout them.</p><p></p><p>Whisper them first, and count it a champion's run. Because once you hear yourself whisper the words that will heal you?</p><p></p><p>Then you will know what they are.</p><p></p><p>After that?</p><p></p><p>It's just a matter of time.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 680292, member: 17461"] This is a version of what you lived with your family, Leafy. It wasn't that the straw broke you. It is that you had been brought up to break yourself. You had been brought up to take whatever the punishment was, whatever the betrayal was, [I]and blame yourself. [/I](And not care. that is the translation of blaming yourself, New Leaf. You know this already. We cannot see ourselves. That is why FOO Chronicles works. We can see, for one another.) Anyway, to that degree (and it looks to me to have been total), you froze. There is a gulf now between you and the who that was you in that time. Every time something like this happened, whether it was a physical betrayal or, worse, an emotional one, another gulf formed; another part of you was frozen. But just look at you now, New Leaf, coming back. Is there a way you could volunteer at a rape crisis center, Leafy? You would be so good for those young girls, and those women, and I think it would help you to heal, to learn to stop judging yourself as you do. Or a Women's Shelter. It happened, Leafy. Hold that young girl, that young woman that was you, with compassion. Not disgust, New Leaf. Compassion. She is human. She is alone with it. She merits and deserves your protection. Your true protection. You are right. It is hard to be human. I see you leveling contempt at the male. He does not matter. Who cares whether he is a contemptible imitation of what a good man is. Other men, decent men, will have recognized and taken care of him, by this time. They will have, Leafy. Real men, good men are very strong, and very moral. Think about Lil's Jabber. You matter. Not Mr. I have to drug innocent girls so they will stay still long enough for me too get anywhere near them. Yuck, Leafy. Nonetheless, your job is to hold yourself with compassion. And you are not doing that, or your emphasis would not be on that worm of a manlessness who has surely been beat into submission by real men by this time. And you are leaving yourself alone in your heart because somehow, you have learned to hold yourself in contempt over what happened. Many things, terrible terrible things Leafy, happen to every one of us. Those who come back, those who make a difference to the screaming evil in the world, have saved themselves, first. Oxygen mask rules: Apply yours first, or everybody dies. Compassion for you, Leafy. For the girl that you were when you learned what they taught you about your value. For the beautiful, blossoming young woman, strong and straight, who survived the predator, Leafy. That is the only thing that matters about what happened. You lived. Part of what you are not seeing ~ and you need to see it, Leafy ~ is that someone who would enjoy a drugged young woman is a thief. Thieves escalate. You were lucky to have escaped with your life. That is (maybe) why the imagery of the blood is traumatic enough to be what you remember. For me, it connects to the pond, and the skating on thin ice and your anger over that. You will know whether that connection works for you or not. I think you aren't allowing yourself to remember the rest. But New Leaf: It doesn't matter. That man doesn't matter. YOU LIVED Now, you get to decide what you are going to do with your own, beautiful life. Like, breathe. Or, drink your tea. No one can bring us back Leafy but ourselves. We can talk about it here, but we cannot say words magic enough to make healing happen. But you can. You already know them. It is just that someone taught you (Just don't think, Cedar. Don't you dare.) never, ever to say those words that will heal you. Say them. Shout them. Whisper them first, and count it a champion's run. Because once you hear yourself whisper the words that will heal you? Then you will know what they are. After that? It's just a matter of time. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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