Aha! moments...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Thea Harrison, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama New Member

    Today I realized that despite my many and varied efforts, things are not improving. I have otherwise known this and struggled with what this means...

    But in therapy today I was given some insight.

    Maybe this is not so much about my son, and all of his challenges and at risk behaviour. Maybe, just maybe this is about me. I tread carefully and constantly to keep a balance of discipline or rules, and empathy, understanding.

    Today I had this aha! moment, what if it's really about my fear of who I am without being his hands on mother all the time? I've been a mother since 23, a lot of my identity is wrapped up in being a mother, so creating boundaries that I know will be crossed feels like setting myself up to feel like more of a failure as a mother.

    I'd like some feedback on how others have found their footing in being self assured, knowing you have been the best parent you can be, but that sometimes this does not work. I would like to hear how others have actually worked at detaching when these parent/child relationships are so enmeshed and so tied to our identities.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Thea

    I think this is a hard one to answer....

    I think it came for me from seeing my older son grow into a wonderful man. He was one I thought would have problems since his father and I divorced when he was a baby and I have been married to his stepfather for 24 years.

    I knew by the way that he turned out that I was a good parent. I may not have thought that otherwise because our youngest has been struggling for many years and you always ask yourself, what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?

    In the end, we all do the best we can do with the tools we have. I think most want to improve upon our own childhood also in some way, especially if it was not good. Mine was not good.

    In the end our adult children have to make their own lives and their own decisions. I am at peace knowing that I did not leave any stone unturned to help him. The journey is now his.
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    As Mom's we struggle with this always. We nurture, protect, and safeguard...but then I realized I did more for me and my shame of him.

    I'm at the point of, who am I when you take the mother away? None of us handed our children drugs, taught them to break the law...or denied them mental help.

    We handed them the tools...then we hovered, like they were alone on the playground and we had to stay close by. Their success and failure were so enmeshed in what I was feeling. At one time, I refused to purchase anything nice for myself because how could I reward myself, my son was a drug addict.

    It's out of these broken moments that I realized I was acting like the broken sick person...when I had so much to feel joy for.

    It's not easy...I can t tell you it gets easy.. but peace can be found, and a balance of yourself detaching from the draining emotions of them.

    Your love for him will always be. Except that.love for his choices and life...probably not.

    Hugs..we are not alone