Alienated the family

[KTMom91]

We celebrated my nieces' birthdays last night (Hubby's sister's girls, one is 25, the other is 16), and I let Miss KT know about it. I thought things were fine, and then it all broke loose this morning. Apparently when Miss KT got there, her response to being welcomed was, "My mom made me come over." Ummm, no, I did not. I told you about it, that was all. And while she was there, she got on my mother in law's computer and posted a bulletin on her myspace about how bored she was, she hated being there, etc., which went out to all her "friends", including the two whose birthdays we were celebrating.

I texted her, asking why she would do this, and she got really rude and nasty, saying I was always putting her down so I could feel important, I think I'm so smart, I don't know anything, I'm so f-ing stupid, I'm not good enough for her to waste her time on, and she doesn't want any part of this family ever again.

Things had been going fairly well, and this totally came out of left field. She added an antidepressant to her medication mix, don't remember exactly what it is, it starts with N, but could that trigger this much rage? Or has she just kept it all in till she could unload on me, because she doesn't dare unload on Nana? I don't know...

I feel sorry for her, because Hubby's family has been at birthdays, Christmases, and included her in everything, much more so than Useless Boy and his mother, and she just doesn't care that she's hurt people. When I told her that, she said she cares about Nana, her father, and her boyfriend. She just doesn't get it. I just don't know.

 

[Wiped Out]

Mary,
I'm sorry KT was so hurtful. So often our difficult children just don't appreciate what they have. (((hugs)))

 

[maril]

Sigh...I do so feel for you. I had this thought while reading your post of your daughter in future years...after she has had a chance to be on her own and see the real world...I think you may see a different young woman. That is the way it was with my daughter, anyway. Her senior year in high school was particularly difficult; she knew everything and I was mostly just an "embarrassment" to her. Now, she's almost 23 - wow, what a difference. I'm one of her chat buddies now and she'll come to me for my opinion. I would hope you too may look forward to this. Good luck and hang in there. You are not alone.

 

[Andy]

Reminds me of my easy child (who is probably a difficult child in her own right). In her quest for independence (while still living at home mind you) she has made it known that she will not be part of the family Thanksgiving this year.

I told her that she needs to get a job and move out of the house and we will see her at Christmas. Then I said, "No, Thanksgiving will be at your place, we will see you then." She replied, "No, that is what aunt and uncle are for."

I got a phone call from her later saying, "I will be coming to family Thanksgiving. I forgot I had invited the church's DCE. She just accepted today." easy child better call aunt and uncle for permission - they are in Tanzania for a few weeks.

 

[gcvmom]

Was she perhaps anxious about going over there? Does she usually feel comfortable around this group of people? It does seem out of left field, but I'll bet there's something else going on that she can't or won't verbalize and this is just her way of dealing with it. Is she jealous about the attention the other girls were getting? Just guessing here...

Is the medication Norpramin? Or Nortriptyline?

Sorry she treated you like dirt. That's not fair at all.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Wow. Is something going on at school that could have precipitated this? Hate it when they self sabotage like that.

beth

 

[BusynMember]

My daughter, who is definitely easy child, wouldn't have said "My Mom made me come" but she certainly would have posted her boredom on her cell and MySpace, as do her friends (she has to let me check her MySpace). At that age, I think they certainly should try to act gracioius at family affairs, but often their hearts are with their friends. I'm not sure most of this isn't typical teen. If I had been the aunt, I would have probably grinned to myself and blew it off. I certainly wouldn't have tattled about it to mom. The difficult child in her probably thinks you were unfair and overreacted. But again I also think a lot of teens would have said, "It WAS boring." A easy child probably would have added "I didn't mean to let her know though. Sorry." Then, again, thinking about my daughter, she is twelve and very outspoken about how she feels. She may have just said, "Well, Mom I WAS bored" and leave it at that. However, if I told her to apologize, she would. Your daughter is 17. Family get togethers don't usually rate high in relation to friends at that age (even PCs). This is just my observation after raising three kids to adulthood. Anyway, I'm sorry it didn't go well.

 

[susiestar]

My mother would have beaten me for something so rude. I am sorry she hurt so many people. I wonder if maybe NOT inviting her to the next few gatherings (like thanksgiving) would be a logical consequence?

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear.
I am so sorry.
I guess she doesn't have to worrry about being invited there in the future ...
How are you handling it at home?
Have your inlaws said anything or did they blow it off?

 

[KTMom91]

If this had been an isolated incident, I think mother in law would have blown it off. However, Miss KT has upset things before; for example, at Christmas two years ago, she got mad about what she ended up with at the gift exchange, called my mother to come get her, and left. mother in law feels disrespected, the birthday girls are hurt, and Miss KT doesn't seem to care in the least. What really tees me off is I told her not to come if she couldn't be pleasant, because I KNOW how she is. mother in law doesn't want her to come for Christmas, because she can wreck things in a heartbeat, and we've all seen her do it. When she was little, I would leave with her; now, I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I know she was raised to behave better than this!

 

[TerryJ2]

Does she have any LDs? Does she realize that she's hurting others? Maybe she doesn't "get it." I know sometimes my son doesn't.
I've had to make him write thank you notes for spontaneous gifts and he'll argue that "I never asked for a gift!" so he shouldn't have to write the thank you note. It's pretty funny when you think about it, the twisted logic.
But it's not funny when your daughter is not invited for Christmas and it totally upsets the agenda and group dynamics and you have to decide what to do.
{{hugs}}

 

[trinityroyal]

Mary, I'm sorry that difficult child acted like such a brat.
Perhaps being left out of family gatherings for the next little while is the natural consequence of her actions.

If she genuinely doesn't want to be there, then it's no skin off her nose and everyone else gets to have a pleasant time without difficult child's disruptive and disrepectful behaviour.

If difficult child values being there despite her terrible behaviour, then the consequence of missing out should hit home.

Either way, the rest of your family doesn't get the punishment of dealing with difficult child's drama.

{{{HUGS}}}
Hope the next family get-together goes more smoothly