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Almost A Bad Night Last Night
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 393823" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Pam, he's not trying to be manipulative. Not primarily. This is pure anxiety. First - he comes home knowing he has a lot to do. But he's been at school all day, he needs to unwind. Fair enough. Next day, he CULD do homework, but the thought of it ramps up his anxiety too much and he still has time; he chooses to do something else. Telling himself he can do it later reduces his anxiety again to tolerable levels. </p><p>Next day - the homework pressure is higher. And when it is higher, so is the anxiety. But the birthday party is a pleasant distraction and a good enough 'reason' for not doing the homework now.</p><p>Later on - he has finally to face the inevitable - he has too much to do and not enough time to do it in. Ironically, the resultant tantrum and panic attack wastes precious time!</p><p></p><p>He needs you to go through this sequence of events with him, AFTER the homework is done and when his stress levels are lower, so he can see what he does to himself by procrastination.</p><p></p><p>Next step - put in place with him, a different strategy. We take the "spend half an hour" strategy. Or fifteen minutes. Even five minutes. Once these kids make a start, the associated stress is often greatly reduced, and this makes it easier for them to pick it up again later, again with less stress.</p><p></p><p>Whenever one of my kids would say, "I have too much homework to do! I won't be able to finish it, there is too much!" I asked the child to estimate how long he thought it would take. "Five hours!" I often got. So I would say, "I want you to spend ten minutes on it. No more. I will set the timer. In ten minutes' time, after you have put in a fair effort, as judged by me, you and I will go out for a walk/to the beach/to the shops for an ice cream. But for the next ten minutes, do some work. Not all of it. Just what you can do in ten minutes."</p><p>And often what would happen - the child would start to work properly (knowing they only had to go for ten minutes, and there was a reward of my time to follow immediately) and surprise himself by getting almost all the work completed. Far more accomplished, anyway, than he thought he could. And the later result - less to do later, and it was easier to get back to it knowing "the back was broken".</p><p></p><p>If you focus on anxiety as your child's trigger (for avoidance, and then for the panic) then work towards reducing the anxiety load enough for the child to be able to approach the work. It might help more for the long haul, once he learns that "do it now" is the best way to reduce anxiety, long-term.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 393823, member: 1991"] Pam, he's not trying to be manipulative. Not primarily. This is pure anxiety. First - he comes home knowing he has a lot to do. But he's been at school all day, he needs to unwind. Fair enough. Next day, he CULD do homework, but the thought of it ramps up his anxiety too much and he still has time; he chooses to do something else. Telling himself he can do it later reduces his anxiety again to tolerable levels. Next day - the homework pressure is higher. And when it is higher, so is the anxiety. But the birthday party is a pleasant distraction and a good enough 'reason' for not doing the homework now. Later on - he has finally to face the inevitable - he has too much to do and not enough time to do it in. Ironically, the resultant tantrum and panic attack wastes precious time! He needs you to go through this sequence of events with him, AFTER the homework is done and when his stress levels are lower, so he can see what he does to himself by procrastination. Next step - put in place with him, a different strategy. We take the "spend half an hour" strategy. Or fifteen minutes. Even five minutes. Once these kids make a start, the associated stress is often greatly reduced, and this makes it easier for them to pick it up again later, again with less stress. Whenever one of my kids would say, "I have too much homework to do! I won't be able to finish it, there is too much!" I asked the child to estimate how long he thought it would take. "Five hours!" I often got. So I would say, "I want you to spend ten minutes on it. No more. I will set the timer. In ten minutes' time, after you have put in a fair effort, as judged by me, you and I will go out for a walk/to the beach/to the shops for an ice cream. But for the next ten minutes, do some work. Not all of it. Just what you can do in ten minutes." And often what would happen - the child would start to work properly (knowing they only had to go for ten minutes, and there was a reward of my time to follow immediately) and surprise himself by getting almost all the work completed. Far more accomplished, anyway, than he thought he could. And the later result - less to do later, and it was easier to get back to it knowing "the back was broken". If you focus on anxiety as your child's trigger (for avoidance, and then for the panic) then work towards reducing the anxiety load enough for the child to be able to approach the work. It might help more for the long haul, once he learns that "do it now" is the best way to reduce anxiety, long-term. Marg [/QUOTE]
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