Almost ready to kick him out

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by libertynow, Aug 20, 2008.

  1. libertynow

    libertynow New Member

    I've read some of your posts re difficult child moving out and it gives me hope and courage to go ahead and let happen what happens. I've wanted to my difficult child to move out for some time, but he has violent streak, threatens me, destroys our home (which I bought in a neighborhood i could just barely afford-now can't to give him a new start). I love my son, but don't want to live walking on eggshells all my life. Like you, I've been to all the counselors, tried every reward plan, sent him to court appointed programs...Now I'm broke, tired and want to move on since he doesn't seem to want to.
    Still I'm nervous, i know what's coming-he will break things, maybe hurt me. Even if police remove him, he has no problem breaking back in...given my status at work right now, afraid to miss more work.
    I should mention i've given ultimatum-he always does just enough to be within a margin of gray. Stays out just 10 min past curfew, 'forgets' to do chores. He has another part-time job, but refuses to help in house beyond a couple of minor chores, says he wants to skateboard-i suspect still smoking pt and drking with friends.
    Sorry if rambling, i'm just anxious. Should also mention he has a pregnant girlfriend, whose mother hates me because i don't have money to help prepare as she'd like.
    Could really use your encouragement - I know there are no guarantees, but current situation isn't working for me...
    Thank you!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, good heavens, Mom, nobody has a right to criticize you for not having enough money. Her daughter and your son shouldn't be having a baby right now. That there are makes it THEIR responsibility, not yours. You are doing fine...jeesh.
    I don't know how old your son is, but if he is 18, I would make him leave regardless of his "gray areas" or how he may try to break in because you deserve to be safe. Everyone does. Just make sure you change the locks and, if you can manage to afford it, some sort of alarm system, even a cheap one would be good. I'd take out a restraining order on son too and enforce it so he knows he will go to jail if he breaks the rule. If he is violent, he does not belong on the streets so if he is under 18, try to get him committed to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). When our kids are younger and defiant, we can handle them (although it's not easy). When they are teens, big, on drugs, violent and angry we can not nor should we be expected to. by the way, I learned the hard way that kids saying "I'm smoking pot and drinking" really means "I'm doing a LOT more than that, but I'm gonna tell ya." Can anyone else, big and strong preferably, stay with you for a while after you make him leave, if that's what you do?
     
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and welcome. I understand how you feel completely. I have a difficult child who is violent, destructive and verbally abusive. So I know what it feels like to walk on eggshells. When I first joined this group a couple of years ago I was a complete mess, no strength or confidence. I never thought I would ever be able to kick my child out of my home. I thought that would make me a horrible and selfish parent. Through the support I have gotten here I no longer feel that way. I have gained so much knowledge and strength from the support on this wonderful website. I no longer feel that my whole life has to be about my difficult child. I want my life back and can finally say that out loud without feeling guilty. We, as parents have done all that we can to help our children. We deserve to live too. We deserve to be able to be comfortable in our homes. We deserve to feel safe in our homes. I know how crushing it is to be belittled by the one person you have done so much for. It stinks!!!

    My difficult child will be 18 in 6 months. I will be faced with the same dilemma very soon. Two years ago, It wouldn't have been a question, I thought I would never be able to put my child out. I feel much differently now. If her behavior remains the same I WILL kick her out. I will not live this way forever, it is not fair to me, my husband or my 7 year old son. We deserve peace too. My sw explained it to me in a way I was able to understand. She said our family is a system, my daughter is only one part of that system, we all matter. If that one part the our family system is not doing her part than why should we let the whole system fall apart. (something like that anyway) Believe me, kicking my daughter out of our house is not something that I am looking forward to, nor is it something that will be easy, nevertheless it is something that I am prepared to do. I know how torn you feel. You will make the right choice for you and your family.

    Good luck and God bless. :)
     
    Lasted edited by : Aug 21, 2008
  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Libby,

    First off, {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you. Sorry that you're having to live through this. It's not easy.

    MWM and Bran155 have given you great advice. You have every right to have peace in your home, to not walk on eggshells, and not to have to deal with violence.

    If you are in a position to kick him out, change the locks. If you can afford one, install an alarm system. If not, then there are window locks you can install to give you a degree of protection. I also agree that getting a restraining order on your difficult child is in order. That gives you a track record with law enforcement that there has already been trouble, so if you have to call them in they will take it seriously and react quickly.

    A lot of us have lived through similar episodes. For my part, getting my difficult child out of the house and into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was the best decision I've ever made. Good for him in that he has the structure and supervision he needs, good for the rest of us in terms of our overall health and happiness.

    You've found a wonderful place here, full of support. Glad you found us, but sorry that you had to.

    Trinity
     
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes all good advice. My difficult child was 18 when we first kicked him out. He was smoking pot at the time but advanced to crack cocaine. He was violent when we even mentioned him moving out. He put his fist through walls, p ut a dent in my car, broke my windshield when I was driving because I wouldnt give him money, etc. the list goes on and on. We had him sent to two rehabs, committed twice, many counselors, doctors, churches, career specialists, since he was in middle school. Now he is 24 - has had many jobs but we couldnt stand his lifestyle anymore. He stole from us and his brother - he had friends in our home while we werent here we didnt know, etc. he is living now with a friend of his. I am sure that where they live they smoke all the pot they want - whatever - they are learning how to survive - no car - no job - a trailer to live in - but he is not living that way in my house and I am not giving him permission to - it is enabling them to continue to live that way when we do that. Good luck - I had to call the police many times.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Liberty,

    First buy new locks. Then go to the domestic violence shelter in your area. Ask them how best to handle getting your drunk, addicted 17 or 18 yo child out of your house - let them know he has a history of being violent to your home and person.

    Then follow what they say. The very same day you kick him out change the locks (yourself or by getting someone else to install the new locks) on everything that has a lock. Garage, etc.... Make sure the windows have locks that are tight. Get a cheap alarmsystem if you can. Chances are the alarm fee is less than the cost of feeding and housing a 17yo.

    Will he be 18 soon? In many states you need to have them be 18 before you can kick them out. You CAN call the police/sheriff the very next time he is violent to you and press charges for domestic abuse/assault. Also for property damage of whatever kind he does. When the police come, INSIST that you will NOT let him back in. Don't let them talk/guilt them into taking him back in. Stick to your guns and make them take him. The county probably has a youth shelter. The cops will know where to take him be it jail or shelter or whatever.

    You have endured enough. It is time to make it stop. The DV people are VERY helpful - and may even be able to help you get the alarm system in for cheap.
     
  7. libertynow

    libertynow New Member

    thank you everyone for your support -I really appreciate it. difficult child will be 18 this month - I 've asked him to be out by month-end. We'll see what happens...
    I saw some mentions of domestic violence shelters - I have to say not found them supportive at least in my case. One night I called after difficult child had rage and broke things, pushed me around. He left but I was afraid he'd come back that night. The domestic hotline told me I couldn't kick him out until he was 18 or I would be charged with child neglect/endangerment. I was astounded to say the least-it's such a hard decision to make that call already and then to get no support just finished me. I stayed awake all night.
    So i continue to watch for signals and get out of the house. most of the time I succeed. If he leaves, I intend to get a room boarder to help with rent, although I don't know if it will be soon enough to save me from foreclosure.

    I'm so glad this group is here. Other people complain their kids don't do their homework or talk too much on the phone--they have no idea and cannot begin to relate. Seeing this forum makes me feel less a failure and helps me justify what I tell myself--that I did everything i could do and it wasn't enough but not my fault.

    Question: have any of you had situation where they do these things in front of others, like their friends or in very public place --how do you handle? I've felt so embarrassed and helpless.

    Thanks again to all of you for listening and responding.
     
  8. sonomaval

    sonomaval New Member

    I am new here, but basicly in the same situation. The kicker for me though, is that my son turns 17 next week. It looks like the only option I have available is to sign over my rights to CPS and place him in foster care. He was in residential care for 7 months which helped for awhile but he is now back to his old ways. My insurance will only cover short term residential and not a locked facility so there is nothing to keep him from signing himself out. I am at my witts end. He is also bipolar and is just out of a weeks stay in the hospital, and just barely 24 hours later he is throwing things at his brother and screaming at me that he is going to his friends house (at 11:00 P.M.) and I am being unreasonable to forbid it. On top of this his girlfriend's house was broken in and he thinks he knows who did it and is talking about beating this other kid up. In his current state of mind, he just might do it and will probably end up being arrested for assault. I am so tired of this.
     
  9. neldri

    neldri New Member

    I'm new here, and not sure what a difficult child is. I'm assuming that it means the child you are referring to. . . that is needing help. I am so frustrated myself and my child is now 19. I have done everthing possible to guide him in the right direction, but nothing seems to work. I can't figure out at this point if he is at the beginning of the peak of his bipolar disorder, or if he is just on heavy drugs. It's a mystery. I know he is contantly loaded on pot. We kicked him out and he went to stay with a friend, and the friend just kicked him out. He begged and sobbed for me to pick him up from the friends, which I did. Big mistake! I told him he could stay with us for a few days, but he had to find somewhere else to live and he could no longer live with us. He has been back for four days and disappearing when we are home and comes back when we are either asleep or gone out of town and breaks in. We locked him completely out of the house last night, and he got into our garage and slept on the couch. He woke up when we left for work, and my 17 year old daughter was home. He tried to get in and was beating on the doors, screaming and ringing the doorbell many, many times. I want to call the police, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I would like to send him off to my aunts in Idaho in the country, but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do either. I don't know what to do! I'm at a loss. He won't look for work, and he won't go to school. He won't follow any of our rules...

    Help!
     
  10. libertynow

    libertynow New Member

    Thanks again to everyone who has responded. I have to say that feel especially inspired by those of you who have or are trying to work through this with other children in the home. You are amazing! and I totally agree with all who have come to understand that everyone in your family has a right to live in peace and safety and pursue their dreams, regardless of choices difficult child makes for their own life. I've been endeavoring over the last few months to get this message across to my difficult child whenever he starts to put me down or tell me I'll never see him again. I tell him I'm sorry and wish we could be a happy family together, but if not, I want to be free to be a happy person apart. Love and hope to all of you!
     
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Wow - several new folks all at once! Welcome!

    I am sorry that I don't have more answers, having not experienced the threats and violence. I can however understand and perhaps offer some encouragement and advice with respect to kicking out, whather it is right to do so and call the police, etc. And I would say, ABSOLUTELY yes it is the right thing to do. You've seen that all ordinary and extraordinary means have failed, and that the situation with the difficult child (difficult child stands for "gift from God", and is the forum shorthand for the child that brought you here) disrupting and threatening is intolerable. So there is really no other choice. No one else can change difficult child's behavior; he simply has a hole where a conscience or empathy for others should be; the only one who can change him is himself. Maybe he will someday -- about 50% eventually cease the behaviors and manage to function in society, I've read -- or maybe he won't, but you've done all you can and must SAVE YOURSELF AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY, and let difficult child face the adult world on his own. You will have critics among friends and family, but they don't know what they're talking about. (We found that letting difficult child stay with relatives who thought they knew how to handle her changed their point of view pretty quickly, though it did not do her any good.)

    I know all about begging and sobbing to come back home "just for a few days" when they get kicked out of (ex-)friends' places, or get out of detox, or are released from jail; and making promises that aren't kept about this time following the rules and contributing their fair share. Doesn't work. Like you say, big mistake -- but one everybody here has made, some of us many times. In my case difficult child is 28 and has been doing this for ten years -- all I can say is please don't throw away ten years on trying to get difficult child to fly right. Only one person can help him and it won't happen until that person is the ONLY ONE left TO help -- and that one person is difficult child himself.

    Best of luck to you all, and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and that we do understand. Keep us posted.
     
  12. galadriel

    galadriel Guest

    Oh wow, found this thread on a really BAD day with difficult child. Over the weekend he was so volatile, I called for an appointment with his psychiatrist's NP. He refused to go, so I went. She thought the current medication regime wasn't working, so suggested he stop taking all and I was to call in a week. What WAS she thinking?

    He lasted a day without medications and blew, he threatened to kill his brother (five different ways - knife, shotgun, rock to skull, break his neck and rip his guts out with his bare hands) over $20 brother owes him, so bad that I had my husband pick up the brother for his own safety. difficult child called me about 5 times at work, called me every name in the book, if I called the cops I "was dead to him". Finally he calmed down enough to state he would take some medications for $20 and a pack of cigs. By this time I was on the phone with the NP who said if he got that bad again to have the police bring him in for in-patient admission. (He's never been).

    Now he has walked to a friend's and we haven't heard from him. husband wants us to go to bed and let him get home on his own, or stay away. difficult child is making our life hell as when he is on his medications, he's subdued and hostile, and off his medications he's in a constant rage. the frustrating part is that the dr's just throw medications at him and no one seems to really know what his diagnosis is (they settled on atypical bi-polar). He is also a pot smoker and who knows what else, but he can't drink because the Seroquel/Southern Comfort combo makes him vomit. :tongue:

    husband is ready to throw him out! But I heard of a recent local case where the parent took the difficult child to the ER for similar behavior, and they decided it was not mental health but behavioral, and said "take her home" . Parent said no, I don't feel safe, and now is indeed in court for neglect.:faint:
    Original poster, I feel for you, and figure the whole pregger girlfriend thing could very well be right around the corner for us too! He's done everything else.....

    Thank you all for being here on a night like this.
     
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