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<blockquote data-quote="Carolita2" data-source="post: 671718" data-attributes="member: 19632"><p>Hello childofmine,</p><p>Thanks for reading my story...I can relate to what you have to say...</p><p>I have been active in Alanon for many years...but of those years I was just surviving, at a heart level totally caught up in the drama not understanding detachment at all..</p><p>i am getting that now on a whole new level..Partly from exhaustion, partly from listening more and understanding powerlessness.</p><p>I like what you said about feelings not being facts..I have told myself stories and lived in the pain of these stories outcomes that never happened..some things did happen, some were worse than the imagined, some were better, some never came to pass.</p><p>I still fight to not go to that place of intense fear and pain from which I reacted and took action and attempted to fix all that was wrong in this life. It never dawned on me that the solutions were mine and how for much of his life my husband and I tried to solve his problems...The truth is he made bad decisions or none at all and not being able to sit through those consequences, we intervened. At 13 years old he began to get into trouble, smoking pot at the church camp, sneaking out his bedroom window and night and hanging out with an older kid, smoking pot...He did one semester at a private high school, we thought the smaller classes would help and the discipline. He was asked to leave for not keeping up academically..due to the lifestyle he was living.. we tried everything to help him but it was as if we just couldn't reach him...We tried counseling, treatment for ADD, trying to get him to continue with piano lessons and sports...He wasn't interested and he was distracted. He went to the public high school in one part of our town and was kicked out..He went to the other high school. Everyday there was some time of calamity..Finally the principle called us to his office in my son's junior year and told us he would never graduate and earning a GED was his best shot..It wasn't that he wasn't bright, he was extremely bright..I think this is when he began to give up..If I'm so smart why am I earning a GED..then you could see him sink lower, why bother...convincing himself that it didn't matter to him and turning to drugs completely.</p><p>There is a huge amount of pain, grief involved in this but really there has been since all those years ago when we watched his pain and frustration and tried to show him the way, guide him. He's done rehabs and jail, even had 3 or 4 good years in the mix completed 1.5 years of college, only to relapse..</p><p>In nine days my son and girlfriend will walk away from the apartment they lived in for almost a year...with no money, no car, no suboxone for him, no money..the dismantling of all that we put together for them...He is grieving, it is hard to talk to him..He still tries to manipulate..</p><p>So what will be left of their lives is real..it is the result of all that they did not do and continue to not do.. work, pay bills, call social service agencies, go to recovery meeting, clean their apartment..</p><p>I worry that he will not be able to cope and will give up entirely...not being able to face and do what needs to be done to survive..</p><p>But it's come to the place where we now understand more and more everyday that it is his journey..</p><p>I want to be happy...I want my energy back..I want my life back...I am taking it back..</p><p>We love him more than anything...I wish I could see him, talk to him, make him his favorite meal...instead of this painful letting go, knowing he is suffering but if nothing changes, nothing changes..So we are doing this for him and for ourselves...really didn't want to get into all this..maybe I needed to empty some of this to move forward..Carolita</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Carolita2, post: 671718, member: 19632"] Hello childofmine, Thanks for reading my story...I can relate to what you have to say... I have been active in Alanon for many years...but of those years I was just surviving, at a heart level totally caught up in the drama not understanding detachment at all.. i am getting that now on a whole new level..Partly from exhaustion, partly from listening more and understanding powerlessness. I like what you said about feelings not being facts..I have told myself stories and lived in the pain of these stories outcomes that never happened..some things did happen, some were worse than the imagined, some were better, some never came to pass. I still fight to not go to that place of intense fear and pain from which I reacted and took action and attempted to fix all that was wrong in this life. It never dawned on me that the solutions were mine and how for much of his life my husband and I tried to solve his problems...The truth is he made bad decisions or none at all and not being able to sit through those consequences, we intervened. At 13 years old he began to get into trouble, smoking pot at the church camp, sneaking out his bedroom window and night and hanging out with an older kid, smoking pot...He did one semester at a private high school, we thought the smaller classes would help and the discipline. He was asked to leave for not keeping up academically..due to the lifestyle he was living.. we tried everything to help him but it was as if we just couldn't reach him...We tried counseling, treatment for ADD, trying to get him to continue with piano lessons and sports...He wasn't interested and he was distracted. He went to the public high school in one part of our town and was kicked out..He went to the other high school. Everyday there was some time of calamity..Finally the principle called us to his office in my son's junior year and told us he would never graduate and earning a GED was his best shot..It wasn't that he wasn't bright, he was extremely bright..I think this is when he began to give up..If I'm so smart why am I earning a GED..then you could see him sink lower, why bother...convincing himself that it didn't matter to him and turning to drugs completely. There is a huge amount of pain, grief involved in this but really there has been since all those years ago when we watched his pain and frustration and tried to show him the way, guide him. He's done rehabs and jail, even had 3 or 4 good years in the mix completed 1.5 years of college, only to relapse.. In nine days my son and girlfriend will walk away from the apartment they lived in for almost a year...with no money, no car, no suboxone for him, no money..the dismantling of all that we put together for them...He is grieving, it is hard to talk to him..He still tries to manipulate.. So what will be left of their lives is real..it is the result of all that they did not do and continue to not do.. work, pay bills, call social service agencies, go to recovery meeting, clean their apartment.. I worry that he will not be able to cope and will give up entirely...not being able to face and do what needs to be done to survive.. But it's come to the place where we now understand more and more everyday that it is his journey.. I want to be happy...I want my energy back..I want my life back...I am taking it back.. We love him more than anything...I wish I could see him, talk to him, make him his favorite meal...instead of this painful letting go, knowing he is suffering but if nothing changes, nothing changes..So we are doing this for him and for ourselves...really didn't want to get into all this..maybe I needed to empty some of this to move forward..Carolita [/QUOTE]
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