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Almost three and possibly ODD?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 333864" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Robinboots, spanking is very much a personal choice. And something that a lot of us on this site have found - spanking often makes our kids worse.</p><p></p><p>That's not to say that parents who find spanking to be effective in their family, are wrong. Merely that it doesn't always work for everybody.</p><p></p><p>I spanked my older kids, until I learned a more effective way (which was easier on my hands, too!). But with difficult child 3 - spanking just didn't work. It was making him worse.</p><p></p><p>In punkflute's post, it does sound like in this case spanking could be making the child worse. It does happen in some cases, especially where social skills are impaired and the child learns by imitation. Such a child 'learns' that you spank when you are frustrated, when you don't get what you want, when you are angry. It is not the lesson we want the kid to learn.</p><p></p><p>Now, more socially aware kids (ie "normal" in that respect) are likely to respond better to spanking, than those with, say, autism.</p><p></p><p>It's like this with anything - if you find a discipline method that works for you, then use it. But if it's not working, dump it. It is a really bad thing to be trying to discipline a child, and fail. It's better to not try at all, than to try and fail - because THAT sends a message to the child of, "I can get away with this. I have just found the weak link and it's not me. Yippee!"</p><p></p><p>In other words, the parent who says (as my mother used to, "You do tat again and I'll skin you alive!" will some day reach the point where the child does it again, and manages to not be skinned alive. When the threat (whatever it is, including fear of a spanking) does not eventuate, then the discipline has just gone south.</p><p></p><p>If spanking works for you, then go ahead. Legally you need to be increasingly careful - it's against the law to spank your child in New Zealand, for example. We had to go VERY carefully when we were on holidays there. And for us in Aus, the attitude is crossing the Tasman. Plus it stopped working for us very early on.</p><p></p><p>So it is always good to have more strings to your bow, to have other options you can try.</p><p></p><p>And sometimes we just panic and do whatever we can, especially when faced with a child being violent to us. Officially, we stopped spanking the older kids when they were in pre-school (because we found better methods). But there were a few times when difficult child 1 was in his teens, when I had to use physical means to control him and restrain him. I was lucky - it worked. He was bigger than me and stronger than me; if I hadn't been lucky, it could have got very nasty.</p><p></p><p>We do what we have to do. But there are alternatives that can also be very effective. And in our case dealing with our particular kids - these methods proved even more effective.</p><p></p><p>Punkflute, check out the sticky on the top of this page, dealing with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and how to adapt it to your younger child. A lot of us on this site have found tis book very helpful. It does seem counter-intuitive, because often we feel that the worse the behaviour in our kids, the righter we have to clamp down on them and control them. Sometimes it is tat very tight control we are holding, that is the problem. It may not be a problem for other kids in the family, but various difficult children - they simply don't work the same way. So sometimes we need to find an approach that works better for them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 333864, member: 1991"] Robinboots, spanking is very much a personal choice. And something that a lot of us on this site have found - spanking often makes our kids worse. That's not to say that parents who find spanking to be effective in their family, are wrong. Merely that it doesn't always work for everybody. I spanked my older kids, until I learned a more effective way (which was easier on my hands, too!). But with difficult child 3 - spanking just didn't work. It was making him worse. In punkflute's post, it does sound like in this case spanking could be making the child worse. It does happen in some cases, especially where social skills are impaired and the child learns by imitation. Such a child 'learns' that you spank when you are frustrated, when you don't get what you want, when you are angry. It is not the lesson we want the kid to learn. Now, more socially aware kids (ie "normal" in that respect) are likely to respond better to spanking, than those with, say, autism. It's like this with anything - if you find a discipline method that works for you, then use it. But if it's not working, dump it. It is a really bad thing to be trying to discipline a child, and fail. It's better to not try at all, than to try and fail - because THAT sends a message to the child of, "I can get away with this. I have just found the weak link and it's not me. Yippee!" In other words, the parent who says (as my mother used to, "You do tat again and I'll skin you alive!" will some day reach the point where the child does it again, and manages to not be skinned alive. When the threat (whatever it is, including fear of a spanking) does not eventuate, then the discipline has just gone south. If spanking works for you, then go ahead. Legally you need to be increasingly careful - it's against the law to spank your child in New Zealand, for example. We had to go VERY carefully when we were on holidays there. And for us in Aus, the attitude is crossing the Tasman. Plus it stopped working for us very early on. So it is always good to have more strings to your bow, to have other options you can try. And sometimes we just panic and do whatever we can, especially when faced with a child being violent to us. Officially, we stopped spanking the older kids when they were in pre-school (because we found better methods). But there were a few times when difficult child 1 was in his teens, when I had to use physical means to control him and restrain him. I was lucky - it worked. He was bigger than me and stronger than me; if I hadn't been lucky, it could have got very nasty. We do what we have to do. But there are alternatives that can also be very effective. And in our case dealing with our particular kids - these methods proved even more effective. Punkflute, check out the sticky on the top of this page, dealing with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and how to adapt it to your younger child. A lot of us on this site have found tis book very helpful. It does seem counter-intuitive, because often we feel that the worse the behaviour in our kids, the righter we have to clamp down on them and control them. Sometimes it is tat very tight control we are holding, that is the problem. It may not be a problem for other kids in the family, but various difficult children - they simply don't work the same way. So sometimes we need to find an approach that works better for them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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