Always room at the inn....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dun Haddit, Mar 31, 2014.

  1. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    I'm new here and have been lurking a bit today. I know we all have our issues and I empathize with everyone because I know this can be a devastatingly lonely road. It seems there is never light at the end of the tunnel.

    Our issues stem not only from behavioral issues, but abuse and trauma. Long story short, we have custody of my husbands 4 children. Countless CPS visits, documentation of drug use, domestic violence, etc. When my husband and I first met, he obtained custody of his oldest son because she wanted nothing to do with him. He wouldn't conform. He is on the spectrum, HF, aspergers. Within several months, she up and announced she was moving them out of state so I pleaded with him to get custody. At this point I had already learned all I needed to know about how psychotic she was, and not the horror stories you get about "the ex".

    In a ploy to keep him from getting the twins (her favorite), she tried to barter with the son we are currently having issues with. She felt if she 'gave' him to my husband he would stop his bid for custody. It didn't work. It was clear the judge was going to give us custody because the 730 evaluation we did clearly showed she had MASSIVE psychiatric issues and by her own admissions, told the doctor she had problems with just the boys. we got a clean bill of mental health and her section of the report to the court was several pages long.

    3 days prior to court she contacted CPS and told them our son had molested the twins. She was so desperate to keep the twins that she tossed our other son to the sharks. CPS investigations and therapists all spoke with the children and it didn't take long to determine it was a lie and she made it up to keep us from gaining custody.

    Visitation with her was cut off. Until all CPS reports could be finalized, she kept the twins. Once the water cleared, we got custody and the damage just keeps coming. During the 2 years his visitation with her was cut off, he was an awesome student and great kid. 7 months ago, the therapist gave the green light for visitation to start and that is when all hell broke loose. Grades went up and down like tidal waves. Anger was explosive. Physically harmed his siblings. Stole - to this day the stealing has not stopped. He has caused so much damage to our family we are looking into a residential treatment facility.

    Finally got a no-contact order so she cannot damage any of the children further but it was too late for him. He was initially diagnosed with depression and ODD. that now has been upped to include bipolar. We were inches from having him expelled because of assaulting students, sexually harassing girls and making sexual innuendos to female teachers. My last resort was to get a request for an IEP so he wouldn't be expelled and hopefully this would facilitate the transfer to the troubled boy school.

    He steals food. He stole his little brothers lunch for weeks to the point where he would go to school and be hungry the teacher reported US to CPS for neglect. Even after CPS cleared us, he continued to steal the lunches. we have every food item that can be instantly eaten locked in our room. Padlocked the fridge and even had a lock on the freezer, that as of today, I didn't know he was picking to get food out to eat wile frozen.

    I've had the police out 3 time for his actions. a 12 year old is NOT supposed to act like this. My husband feels absolute guilt for not protecting them from that monster and getting custody sooner...to the point where he is passive and I always end up being he meanie. We have 2 therapists and a psychiatrist. But all have told us that medication can help with bipolar but it can't help if he is psychopath. He doesn't care who he hurts, who he steals from, nothing. Consequences mean nothing to him except when he lost his bike and ipod, it wasn't a consequence it was ME stealing from him. He had the nerve to say his breaking into the freezer wasn't even stealing, but my taking his favorite items for bad behavior is?

    Tomorrow starts a whole 2 week period of just he and I. Spring break, yay. the other three were out this past week while he was in school - that is before he was suspended again for grabbing girls butts. My husband almost begs me not to call the police again, but he isn't here. He doesn't see the malice in his face, the clear contempt and disregard. The lack of humanity and void from his eyes. Every time we get to the point where we are about to give something back, he blows it. The only thing I can trust about him is that I cannot trust him. I am trying everything I can to protect the other three children from him and his actions. I would love to tough love his butt out of the house, but he is too young. There is no way the court would allow him to go back to the bio mother, but to have him lost in the system...we just are caught weighing the odds of the lesser of 2 evils.

    We have tried any and every intervention, police, therapy, school discipline, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, giving the option of personal responsibility earning items lost for behavior - nothing works. It's almost as it he is an alien and could never function normally or make a good choice or he would evaporate and die. This is a horrible way to live and we feel trapped in our own home.



    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...behaviour-of-a-12-yr-old.56675/#ixzz2xanTh2gM
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is there a chance he DID molest the twins? Molested children are usually afraid to tell anyone it happened. Have you seen him act sexual at all? When I see *sexual abuse* my alarms go off because it is such a trauma if it DID happen and usually the parents and even the psychiatric workers don't know it is happening. Part is shame. Part is fear.

    Just in case, t is best if he does not live with them or, if he does, that there are cameras in the house, an alarm on his door at night, and he never be alone with them. One thing that happened with the child we adopted was that he molested the younger kids and, think what you like, as soon as we found out he was gone. I could not risk the other kids to try to save the one who was already so far gone. Our family had tons and tons of therapy after that and we never adopted or did foster care again because kids who are neglected early in life can develop attachment disorder, which often includes sexual behavior on other kids. Is it possible HE was sexually abused by one of her boyfriends. That would explain what he did, but it would not make him any safer around other children. Grabbing girl's butts can be normal if done once or twice in a teasing way, even if the girls don't like it, but, having gone through what we did and knowing the makeup of this child, I am thinking he does indeed sexually act out. (sigh) The police will not faze him if he is truly heading toward becoming an adult who is a psychopath. They don't care about other people's laws and rules, sadly. Authority doesn't frighten them.

    Your oldest stepson sounds like he could be one of the "dangerous kids" that we don't like to acknowledge exist. But anyone who did foster care or adopted an older kid and hangs around with others who have done the same know that kids can become close to the adult version of sociopaths if they are never given stability in their early years. And sadly, although they did not chose their background, they are very hard to help and require a special type of therapy that is not easy to find and is expensive. Love will not be enough. Stability will not be enough. This child will probably pretend to like you only when he wants something from you and he may harm the other kids, if they are around, or any pets you may have (often only when you are NOT AROUND to observe it).

    I learned the hard way. I can not recommend trying to parent a child without a conscience unless you try to do it without the other children coming with you, as he may have already harmed them (and in my own opinion, which may not be shared by all, it is not worth risking the other children to try to save HIM). You don't know all he may have done when nobody was looking. No matter how you think the other kids would have told on him, that's not true. They become more afraid of him than trusting of you because, in their world, he is their controller. I'd be careful, but, of course, this is your decision and your own journey to take.

    Although adopted kids have been the ones who have been focused on for attachment disorders, of late children from chaotic divorced homes are starting to get attention too. Babies need stability, to know their needs will be met, one or two primary caregivers who are soothing and kind, and if they have crazy years from infancy to three or thereabouts, they learn very young that they can not trust anyone to take care of their needs thus they get turned off from others...think that THEY need to save #1...and in any way they can. And it is very hard by his age to do much about it.

    I'm curious and certainly you do not need to answer. Why do you want to take this on? What do you think it will accomplish? Do you believe he will change? What if he gets worse? Do you have a long term plan? Does your husband? He is the only one in your house with any power over the children legally. Think these questions to yourself in your head. Have a plan. Don't go in unprepared. He may end up needing out of home placement. One day CPS may not be lenient on him and if he lies about YOU (say, he tells a teacher you beat him because he's ticked off), they WILL investigate you and can potentially get you into serious trouble.

    Gentle hugs. You have all of us in your corner, regardless of your decision. But please do your research and make an INFORMED decision, not an emotional one. Take care :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2014
  3. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    Based on the reports we were receiving AFTER visitation leading up to this accusation and the in-depth investigation by CPS, and the court-ordered therapist, we do not believe that any of this happened. You have to understand, she is a mentally ill person, herself, and was desperate to not loose custody of the only 2 children she "cared" for.

    In the weeks leading up to this, her current husband (married 2 weeks after release from prison for drug possession w intent to sell) had visitation with his children, a boy (9) and girl (13). Those children were staying at the apartment they shared. 2 bedroom, with twin bunk beds so the twins were forced to sleep wit his children. Every time our older boys went for visitation, they would always complain the older girl was try to sneak in the bathroom while they showered, sneak into the rooms when they were changing, etc. by the way, whe the older boys were there, they had to sleep on the floor, even with court order for appropriate sleeping arrangements in effect).

    Our son was interviewed by 3 different social workers and absolutely everything he told them and everything the twins told them never added up to anything that the bio was claiming. The twins confirmed the other girl was doing all the things that the boys had claimed. Our female twin even stated that she was forced to shower with the 13 you, she was 6 at the time.

    The therapist saw them 2x a week and spoke with each separately, then together to gauge reactions, to see if the twins might be afraid to speak in our son's presence. He is absolutely convinced that nothing happened between our son and the twins, but was not convinced the older girls wasn't doing anything to the twins, because she was often left alone with them for extended periods of time.
     
  4. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    2 months after the alleged incident, the bio tried inserting herself into the situation by now claiming she was there. there was nothing of that mentioned in her report to CPS, the investigation by CPS, the therapeutic sessions with the children with the therapist that entire time. When we finally went back to court and the visitation between him and the bio was severed, her husband testified to what he "saw" and in his testimony, she was nowhere near any of the alleged situations where our son had 'molested' the twins.

    Two of the social workers suspected that our son, himself, may have been abused or molested by any number of the men she had in her home. In the first year that I met my husband, she was engaged 2x and lived with 2 different men. In the 2 years that followed, she was engaged again to 2 more men, lived with 2 others, and in between, there was a revolving door of men in and out of her house and bed. I'm not convinced that any of the children have not been victim or any depredation.

    She lost custody and was ordered to therapy where she continued to claim she 'saw' it. The therapist explained to her repeatedly that she never stated anything about being there until well into the investigation, and then the investigation itself turned everything unfounded. It did, however, confirm drug use and domestic violence in the home. An order of protection was issued for the husband to stay at least 20 yards from our children. We asked the court for an advocate for them, who interviewed them, as well. It was discovered, that she still continued to have the husband in the home when the 3 children would visit, he would hide under the bed, but one of the twins told the lawyer she could only see his feet, but never "saw" him there. It was then explained by our autistic son, that the husband was there but would be under the bed when ever they were up in the morning or evening, and he would sneak out of the house during the day.

    We do have nanny cams in the house and ALL the children are aware. the only thing the cameras have ever seen were his getting up in the middle of the night to eat, confirmation of who started an argument or fight, etc. Absolutely benign things.

    After 2 years the visitation resumed with her and that is when all the issues started. we have documented proof of his academic success while apart from her. As soon as they visited, his grades would bounce up and down like a bouncy ball. He had previous issues with trusting women, and that did manifest at school, but the other behaviors were completely absent. This past 7 months, his aggression, anger, depression, etc all blew up. In addition to the court therapist, he has a psychiatrist and we have a family therapist to help with the dynamics at home in the wake of his anger issues.
     
  5. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    All the incidents at school that he got in trouble for were all "dares", he was "told to" by friends", he was trying to be the "class clown" and for the duration, the psychiatrist was trying different medications to find something that clicked. We got to a point where the medication stopped the absolutely over the top drag out lying, crocodile tear fest that he went into each time he was in trouble. After removing him from the antidepressants, that is when we saw the biggest change and it clicked - she is bipolar, he may be too. Hyper-sexuality is part of bipolar symptoms. In addition to the dysfunction suffered at the bio house, all the children had reported walking in on her and any number of men having sex, so none of these children were ever safeguarded from that. All were too familiar with it.

    The latest incidents were just mind blowing. Confrontation by the VP had him confess that he is just so angry over her accusations and betrayal, that he doesn't know how to handle it and acts out for attention, even though it is negative. He told this to the court therapist and the family therapist. We even explained to him that his behaviors would make people think twice about believing he never touched his brother or sister. There is an impulse control problem in him that simply will not allow him to make a good choice. He is a patsy for all his friends because the can obviously get him to do anything and everything, even though he gets caught and in trouble 100% of the time.

    He has assaulted 2 students that should have led to expulsion and charges. He has sexually harassed student and teachers that should have resulted in expulsion and charges. He refuses to accept personal responsibility and is always the victim...they made him do it, they told him to do it, etc. Until recently he just started using the accusations as justification for his behavior...you weren't accused of molesting your siblings so you don't know what I'm going through....there has to come a time when even that can't be used as an excuse and regardless of what she said 3 years ago, it was found to be false so why start acting out in the exact manner you were accused???

    There hasn't been a single doctor or therapist yet that hasn't asked if they were exposed to drugs, smoking or alcohol during pregnancy. Everyone agrees they all suffer from trauma. I am convinced there was drug use because since they've been born, all of them, she has has drug problems, is a drinker and is a smoker. She surrounds herself with drug users. She doesn't vet any man that she brings to her bed and subsequently around her children.

    We are considering getting him into a residential treatment facility, if not for himself, then at least for us as a family. My husband is a war vet and he likened this to being back in Iraq - always on edge, on guard for something to happen. While no animals have been harmed he has bitten his youngest brother, put his autistic brother in a choke hold and countless times has hit his sister. He has hinted at times he wants to kill himself but as soon as you get him to any type of treatment facility, he admits he only wants attention. Now anytime he is asked to help around the house, he is too sick, so getting sick of the excuses my husband drove him to the ER where, again, he admitted it was an excuse to get out of chores.
     
  6. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    He steals food from his siblings. from the pantry, fridge, garage freezer, etc. Everything is now locked in our bedroom, padlock on the fridge and the freezer was kept locked. found out that he has been picking the lock on the freezer so now we bought an industrial strength adhesive hasp to lock that. Every day, hundreds of times a day, he walks past 2 different fruit bowls and wont touch it...it's almost as if he can't consume anything unless it was pilfered.

    I agree it's not if, but when he finally gets arrested for doing something, even if it's me who calls the police on his for more property damage...but the funny thing, so far 3 police visits and nothing gets a reaction from him. He had the never to say that taking what he took from the garage freezer yesterday, even though he picked the lock, wasn't stealing. He has no boundaries. I have to search his backpack. Every morning after he is off to school I search his room for stolen items.

    And, I agree, when he wants something oh, how he can sure kiss butt...but I've told him repeatedly, that bridge was burned with me and that it is a waste of both our time to think he can manipulate me. If it were up to me he would get bread and water for every meal. he would have to sit and watch his siblings be rewarded for good behavior, but I know he would only act out against them, for their safety I don't do anything like that around him. I know he has the potential to be a Ted Bundy or Charles Manson but hold out hope that somehow, someway, something will get through. Him hating me or not is not my biggest worry. I have 3 other children who aren't tossing their lives in the toilet that still need guidance and the emotional connectivity that he refuses. I've even let the therapist know that it may be counter productive, but I will never show him any compassion until he has atoned for the transgressions he has made against this family, his peers, his school and everyone he comes into contact with. My oldest daughter (their step sister) was a druggie. It was the hardest thing to do but I had to shut her out of my life until she got help. It took years, but she is stable, off drugs, married and has 2 beautiful children and finally, we have the relationship I had hopped for. Even knowing what I went through with her and shutting her out of my life, that hasn't changed anything within in him...he cries that I don't like him or love him, more manipulation. He cries that favor the other children. I point blank told him when he quits blaming everyone else for the things he does and when he stops acting lie a criminal and a liar, I will have to pretend like he is not here in my life. I looked him in the eye and told him, if I can do that with my own flesh and blood, don't think for a second I wont do it for you. Just like a drug addict, he has to want to stop, but he doesn't want to.

    Why do I want to take this on? that is the million $ question. I've been lectured by my mother that I owe these children nothing. What I have been through these last few years has been tantamount to torture. I love my husband and I signed up for this the minute I said I do. I really had no clue the extent of the damages, but I did what could with it.

    I learned everything I could about autism. I enrolled our oldest in 4h and he blossomed out of his shell and not volunteers, shows animals, and won 19 awards at the fairs this past summer. He therapist said that I couldn't force an autistic boy into something like that....and I didn't. I gave him the opportunity to experience something by not pretending autistic children could never do it. I gave him the opportunity to be a person, not just an autistic person.

    The twins, having always been the center of attention were a little tougher. When they realized they did not get favoritism, it was hard at first. Getting them stabilized was pretty hard. Once they learned the tantrums did not work, those eventually stopped. When we gained custody of them halfway through 2nd grade, they could not read. The boy twin has such a severe speech impediment that he can't write or spell because of his phonetic pronunciations. The girl twin sucked her thumb so severely we were looking at surgery to correct the damage before braces could even be an option. Bio fought tooth and nail about our having a crib appliance placed in her mouth to stop the thumb sucking. We tried thumb covers that were guaranteed to work and for a while did until the bio told her they were really only torture devices. Our orthodontist even wrote a letter to the court about the severity of the damage and the improvements of having braces on for less than a year.

    People may think am a glutton for punishment but I was damned if I was going to take children who never had a loving or caring mother and abandon them again. I told my husband many times, if we were to divorce, I would still do everything I could to make sure that woman could never poison them again. They aren't dogs that can be put down because they don't do as they are trained to do. I may not have the ability to do it, but somewhere out there, someone does.

    I am positive the stress of everything caused me to miscarry last October. At my age,you don't get many chances to keep trying. The loss of that child was very and still is very traumatic for me and I do tend to blame the children at times, but I also know, they never asked to be born to that monster. They never asked to be abused and I have to take the good with the bad and do the best I can...if that means we go from having 4 children to 3 and giving up our rights to our troubled boy, then we may have to do that. We can't give up on all 4 though. We wont be 100% successful with all of them, but we have to do everything we can to set them up for success any way we have or we set them up to fail.

    And we've been down the road where he claims we beat him, CPS visits and all. With everything the police know and the CPS social workers know and the school and the therapist, they know we are dealing with a wolf crier. In fact, one day he was screaming he was going to call the police so I threw the phone to him and told him to do it. he wouldn't touch the phone so I dialed 911 and dropped it. he flew into a panic asking why I did that. But, since he was called out, after he hung up they called back and he continued with the the charade of we beat him, etc. Within 20 minutes a deputy was here and wanted to see the marks. At first he refused because he said he had on dirty underwear - it was at that point the deputy knew he was lying, because f we really did beat him he would have gladly shown the marks (that were never there). He was informed that we are allowed to spank but not leave marks. He tried to convince a teacher that we beat him, too...used that as an excuse to never serve a detention because if we found out, we would beat him.

    No boundaries. He knew, he could have potentially had his father arrested for the false accusations, but he didn't care.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have your hands full. Hopefully things do not get as bad as I am afraid they will.

    We adopted this boy who ended up abusing our younger kids, killing our animals, setting fires (in front of the k ids only), etc. because we wanted to give a child who had little chance of adoption a chance to experience love and a family. I would never again think that I could take on such a task. It literally takes a professional who is very knowledgeable about attachment problems.The fact was, he didn't want a family or any authority figure and love freaked him out. He would get even worse if we expressed it to him.

    I wish you all the best in your journey and hope it does not turn out as bad as mine. But never turn your back on this child. He does not have a conscience. Your conscience is what guides you toward kindness and making good choices. Without one, you are just a human robot.j


    Hugs and take care.
     
  8. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    I know we can't save them all. After all I've been through, I'd do it again in a heart beat.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good!! I hope nothing happens really bad and you keep feeling that way :) They are lucky to have you. VERY lucky. You're terrific and special.
     
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