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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 329351" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I've seen a friend go through this (first with her mother, then her husband). Then another friend's father went through it, plus at the same time her mother was in such denial plus was controlled by her husband (yes, the one with dementia) that nobody could get in to help them. Things had to literally fall apart before an intervention was possible.</p><p></p><p>What helped most - </p><p>1) having access to resources such as local hospital Aged Care Assessment Team (ACAT) which for us is a government-based health service. </p><p></p><p>2) The local doctor, who helped monitor the progress not only of the Alzheimer's patient but also the other family carers.</p><p></p><p>3) Other support networks who can help put family in touch with services and techniques.</p><p></p><p>My friend whose husband had Alzheimer's - she held his hand wherever they went in public. That way she always knew where he was. She also didn't want hi away from her but finally got to the stage where she needed respite. She was able to hire someone to come into her home and sit with him for a few hours while she could go and do the shopping, get her hair done, see her doctor - it helped to give her a couple of hours' break every fortnight. And every few months she put him into respite in the local nursing home so she could go away for a week or so. The first time she did this she felt like a traitor, he cried and didn't want her to leave him. She was also afraid he wouldn't remember her when she came back to get him. But he settled in well and still knew her.</p><p></p><p>He finally deteriorated to the point where she couldn't cope and he needed more ongoing medical care. Not only was he now removing his clothes in public (they lived beside the main town beach, he would stand on his back lawn on a sunny day and decide it was too warm to wear clothes) but he was also increasingly relieving himself on the lawn, once in full view of guests. He had deteriorated to the level of a toddler; he wasn't being a pervert or anything, he just no longer knew any better.</p><p>One morning she couldn't get him out of bed and he wasn't well - when the doctor came he said to her, "It's time. He is now too much for you to care for, he needs more care than you can give him at home." So he went into a nursing home.</p><p></p><p>She had long before, several years before, taken away the car keys. She kept the garage door locked and he soon forgot there was a car in there. When he wasn't around, she sold the car - got someone to take it away to their place and sold it from there. Out of sight, out of mind, works well. For a while he was sometimes looking for it and there was an incident where he tried to report the car missing to police, but she managed to get through that one.</p><p></p><p>By the time he died he hadn't been responsive for a very long time But although he hadn't been talking and seemed unresponsive, she said there were occasional moments when he looked at her and she was sure he knew her. He may not have remembered she was his wife, but he knew she was someone who loved him and in return he loved her for it. It was as if for him, it was the last thing to go.</p><p></p><p>Very recently another friend of mine hs had her mother diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My friend and her sister have pooled resources to put their own care plan in place for their mother. My friend has been coming along to my choir (before Christmas) and while we were practising Christmas carols, the mother was quietly singing along. We had some probems when I was trying to teach my friend some harmonies - her mother was getting increasingly agitated, I think maybe because we weren't singing them right. My friend left to take her mother home then came back to practice. She only lived a couple of doors away.</p><p></p><p>Abbey, are there any support networks for Alzheimer's in the area? They may be worth contacting, to ask them for suggestions that could help your parents-in-law.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 329351, member: 1991"] I've seen a friend go through this (first with her mother, then her husband). Then another friend's father went through it, plus at the same time her mother was in such denial plus was controlled by her husband (yes, the one with dementia) that nobody could get in to help them. Things had to literally fall apart before an intervention was possible. What helped most - 1) having access to resources such as local hospital Aged Care Assessment Team (ACAT) which for us is a government-based health service. 2) The local doctor, who helped monitor the progress not only of the Alzheimer's patient but also the other family carers. 3) Other support networks who can help put family in touch with services and techniques. My friend whose husband had Alzheimer's - she held his hand wherever they went in public. That way she always knew where he was. She also didn't want hi away from her but finally got to the stage where she needed respite. She was able to hire someone to come into her home and sit with him for a few hours while she could go and do the shopping, get her hair done, see her doctor - it helped to give her a couple of hours' break every fortnight. And every few months she put him into respite in the local nursing home so she could go away for a week or so. The first time she did this she felt like a traitor, he cried and didn't want her to leave him. She was also afraid he wouldn't remember her when she came back to get him. But he settled in well and still knew her. He finally deteriorated to the point where she couldn't cope and he needed more ongoing medical care. Not only was he now removing his clothes in public (they lived beside the main town beach, he would stand on his back lawn on a sunny day and decide it was too warm to wear clothes) but he was also increasingly relieving himself on the lawn, once in full view of guests. He had deteriorated to the level of a toddler; he wasn't being a pervert or anything, he just no longer knew any better. One morning she couldn't get him out of bed and he wasn't well - when the doctor came he said to her, "It's time. He is now too much for you to care for, he needs more care than you can give him at home." So he went into a nursing home. She had long before, several years before, taken away the car keys. She kept the garage door locked and he soon forgot there was a car in there. When he wasn't around, she sold the car - got someone to take it away to their place and sold it from there. Out of sight, out of mind, works well. For a while he was sometimes looking for it and there was an incident where he tried to report the car missing to police, but she managed to get through that one. By the time he died he hadn't been responsive for a very long time But although he hadn't been talking and seemed unresponsive, she said there were occasional moments when he looked at her and she was sure he knew her. He may not have remembered she was his wife, but he knew she was someone who loved him and in return he loved her for it. It was as if for him, it was the last thing to go. Very recently another friend of mine hs had her mother diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My friend and her sister have pooled resources to put their own care plan in place for their mother. My friend has been coming along to my choir (before Christmas) and while we were practising Christmas carols, the mother was quietly singing along. We had some probems when I was trying to teach my friend some harmonies - her mother was getting increasingly agitated, I think maybe because we weren't singing them right. My friend left to take her mother home then came back to practice. She only lived a couple of doors away. Abbey, are there any support networks for Alzheimer's in the area? They may be worth contacting, to ask them for suggestions that could help your parents-in-law. Marg [/QUOTE]
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