Am drowning deeper

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by deepcm, Jun 16, 2009.

  1. deepcm

    deepcm Deepcm

    I can't believe I finally found this site! Please help! I could type for hours, but here's the short story. Put my difficult child into therapy in 6th grade - diagnosed with ADD and anxiety and we went on medications til 10th, he vastly improved and seemed to be adjusting to life. I was married to my husband in 2005 - my difficult child was in 9th grade. As I said things were looking up....in spring of 2006 the trouble with pot came along. My difficult child repeatedly tested positive (random home tests), it delayed a DL....he has had the DL taken away, etc. Three wrecks - of course none his fault, nor would he help to repair....Along the way, the anger, the blame, the resentfulness has increased. He has an older sister that is a pure blossom in this world, beautiful, outgoing, popular, loves college. Fast forward. I am sitting on a powder keg and am terrified. He is 18 and to leave for college in August. While he made it out of highschool, his grades went back down but he passed. Did I mention his IQ is 130? He hates me, his sister, his stepdad. I don't have enough time to repeat everything he has said to me over the last 2 years. When I found this site, and read about ODD, he is exihibiting every characteristic there is. He blew last night, packed a bag and walked out - threatening to be gone, but came back in after my husband went to work this morning. Not talking, extremely angry and throwing stabs. I work from home. His sister is at work all day - you guessed it, right now, he has no car, no job, and sits here all day - on the TV or computer. My husband and I are to go out of town, and while I made arrangements for him to stay with his dad - he refuses - accuses me of kicking him out. I am terrified to go and leave him home with his older sister.

    The kicker which I think is normal for this - outside of this environment (and school) he's seen as charming, respectful, fun.....etc and I always receive such wonderful compliments about him. He is jekyll and hyde!

    Help! What can be done with an 18 year old with serious issues who will not talk to a counselor or doctor? He's not here for 5/6 months for treatment.....Will he survive in college? My guess is he might last one semester...Will he ever grow out of this? I'm thinking that if he is professionally diagnosed with this - and refuses treatment I can have him committed.

    My husband has talked to the law and lawyers, we can have him forceably removed from the home.....I'm scared for my safety as well as his own and his sisters....All of the guns have been removed from the home.

    Oh yea - did I mention that his dad was not really around growing up - and is not a disciplinary figure - they get along fine....However his dad recently told us - he doesn't understand or see it so what ever we do - he'd understand...(the daughter is his pride and joy)....

    Sorry for the long read...I'm desparate, and my heart is breaking.

    me - work from home
    husband - exhausted
    easy child - stays away
    difficult child - angry college bound 18 yr old
    DEX - clueless

    Deepcm
     
  2. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I would not pay for college until he proves he will put the effort in to make your money worth while. He must also start treating you with respect. At this point ODD or not he is still responsible for his life, and you need to focus on yours as well. I would give him a time line and a set of requirements. Before you pay for college you need him to demonstrate a minimal level of responsibility. You are not going to pay for four years of party time. Develop some way he can demonstrate the responsibility like obtaining and maintaining a summer job (paid or voluntary), you should also insist on visits to the counselor or other doctors as a requirement. If he does go to school there needs to be a set of grade requirements as well. If you are paying you demand to see them.

    If his problems are due to mental illnesses he is still the one responsible for his life. This would include the willingness to work with professionals.

    If he does not full file the requirements for college then you need to refuse to pay for it! Then you need to set the rules for living in the house. This includes respect for everyone else and everyone's property, (including your walls). You need to make sure he goes under some sort of treatment, and probably hold a job and pay rent. Be reasonable, help him look, and possibly help him find a place he can live on his own. If he refuses to participate or change, then take him to the local homeless shelter and change the locks on the door. If he ever packs the bags and leaves again, he should come back to drawn dead bolts.

    Also you need to let him know that if you ever find any drugs or drug paraphernalia, you will cut off his college funds and kick him out of the house. To do this requires that you have the ability to detach from the situation. Something that is very difficult to do. But letting him threaten and sponge off you will not help him mature. It will only tear everyone else down. Good luck it is a difficult place that you are in.
     
  3. patjohn

    patjohn New Member

    I saw your post and felt I had to acknowledge it. I may not be much help for you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been through some extremely tough times between my own medical problems a a teenage boy with ADD.

    The best advice I can give (and it is difficult) is to stay positive. Things WILL work out. Remember that a positive person is a happy person. and that once you can change your thought patterns in to a positive and constructive slant ...the universe conspires to make your dreams and your destiny a reality.
     
  4. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    deepcm,

    Sorry for your aggravation. Adolescence and difficult child-ness do not make a good combination. I have an angry 15-year-old, so I feel your pain. I let him know that when he turns 18, I will no longer have the legal obligation to support him, and I will not tolerate such behavior in my home.

    When your son "accuses" you of kicking him out, you can smile sweetly and say, "That's right; I am." He is an adult now, and has no right to terrorize your family.

    areoeng has some good advice, as I'm sure others will.

    I'm pretty new here, but it is good to be among people who "get" what it's like to deal with these challenges.

    Sending understanding hugs your way.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    You are on a site where most of the parents are dealing with younger kids.

    in my opinion this is not ODD--this is drug abuse. You may not want to hear this, but your son (like my daughter) is likely doing a heck of a lot more than pot, although pot is usually what they will own up to. There are many drugs that don't show up in the screenings. His behavior is over-the-top for just pot use. He is probably drinking and, if he isn't eating much, maybe doing meth or cocaine. At his age, it will be hard to help him unless he wants help.

    You may want to post on "Teens and Substance Abuse" because you know for sure he is smoking weed. Drugs are at least part of the issue. When kids change drastically for the worse, getting foul and violent and having car accidents, you really need to explore the possibility of serious drug use or too much drinking. Is his father, or is anyone on either side of his biological tree, a substance abuser? If so, it's even more possible because the inability to handle experimentation is inherited. My daughter was adopted--it would not shock me to learn that her birthmother or birthfather abused drugs. Once she started, she escalated quickly, according to her (she is now clean). We had no idea how involved in drugs she was, but we knew she had changed for the worse very quickly.

    If you aren't sure, I'd go to a Narc-Anon meeting and talk to those who have been there. You can get a lot of help from them. My daughter is an ex-drug abuser and has pretty much told me how it goes with those who use, starting with "it's only pot. Sometimes." If he won't change or get treatment, indeed, at 18 I'd make him leave rather than endanger yourselves or your daughter.

    I personally would not pay for an unmotivated, weed smoking kid who is disrespectful to go to college, where the temptation to get into trouble is great, especially if he'll be staying in a dorm. Make HIM work and pay for some or most of it.

    You can not have him committed for ODD. He has to be an active danger to himself or somebody else and they will likely only keep him for a short time. That's the way it works--not ideal. At his age, he has to want to be helped or nobody can help him. My daughter never cared for therapy and did not cooperate with it--when she quit her drug use she did it on her own. When she changed it was because she was tired of herself and after we had asked her to leave.

    I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome to the board.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2009
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Deepcm--

    Hello and welcome! It seems to me that at his age, you are well within your rights to "kick him out". If he refuses to take responsibility for himself--why should you?

    Sending ((((hugs)))) and support your way....

    --DaisyF
     
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in my welcome, glad you found us, sorry you needed to! Hugs.
     
Loading...