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Am I a Meddling Mom? Sorry it's long
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 132165" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Flowergarden, I do not think you did anything wrong. But I would write her a letter of apology, and deliver it via her father. I would write something like, "I am sorry you felt I yelled at you, that was not my intention not did I feel that I raised my voice. However, I was a bit distracted at the time as I was driving difficult child to hospital."</p><p></p><p>This is only an apology if she things it is. You are thereby not apologising for anything you actually did, just saying, "I am sorry you feel this way."</p><p>An example - difficult child 3 might be upset with me because he went to eat the last of the cooked chicken and there's nothing there. He might shout at me, "You ate the last of the chicken!" when I know it wasn't me. So instead of shouting back, "I did not!" I would simply say, "I'm sorry you're angry with me because all the chicken is gone. I don't recall eating any, there are other possibilities. But I can buy more chicken and cook more for everybody in the house who likes chicken."</p><p>It's not an apology, it's not an admission of guilt, it's a way of saying, "I can see you're upset; but let's move on."</p><p></p><p>And for all those of you who say that at 17, difficult child has to stop being so melodramatic because she can hardly be the love of his life at that age - can't you remember how you felt about your first boyfriend/girlfriend when you were 17? They say that first love is the love we never get over. And there are reasons for people saying this - it is t rue.</p><p></p><p>First love is really intense. It's also often unhealthy, because both partners have a lot of growing up to do. But their immaturity doesn't make the emotions any less intense.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 broke up with his first girlfriend when he was 16. Actually, she broke up with him - she was a lovely girl but had been doing all the work in the relationship and needed a bloke who was maturing at the same pace she was. And that someone wasn't difficult child 1. They had been an item for two and a half years.</p><p>He was suicidal. I kid you not. He was cutting himself, leaving scars, tattooing her initials onto his arm, carving into his own arm, he stopped looking after himself, he was slovenly in his appearance, he stopped washing, he would talk of suicide.</p><p>I got him to the doctor who put him on large doses of Zoloft, which helped ease the worst of it. </p><p></p><p>It took two years for him to get over her enough to ease back on the Zoloft.</p><p></p><p>Then he got another girlfriend. This one was a girl he met while they were filming a mini-series - the girl was an actress, a uni student studying psychology, a very bright girl. But when filming was over, the relationship was floundering. About all they had in common was intelligence. I suspect to a certain extent, he was a fascinating subject for her, as a psychology student. Distance was a problem - it just got too much. She had issues of her own, too - I strongly suspect she was anorexic, or at least a potential anorexic. She resisted going to dinner with us, but had to for difficult child 1's 21st birthday. I watched discreetly, she kept passing food on hr plate to difficult child 1, who happily ate extra without thinking. She was very slim and constantly referring to her need to stay slim for filming work. She would refer to herself as 'fat' and easy child 2/difficult child 2 as the sort of slim she wanted to be (easy child 2/difficult child 2 was so skinny you could see her spine, from the front). They had only been going out for three months when she broke up with him - the week after his 21st. </p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 was suicidal again. I rang the doctor, who said to double the Zoloft again. We got him through it, it didn't last so long this time.</p><p></p><p>Each time, I also talked to him about the relationship to show him where things went sour. I also worked with him to stop him from feeling resentful, but to see that each relationship had positive things to it and had something good to teach him.</p><p></p><p>He is now engaged. There are problems with her, but together they seem to be a cohesive unit. This girl is very insecure, at times mothers him but at other times is very needy. But she isn't manipulative in any way. They support each other and work well as a team. As time passes I see the relationship making them both happier and stronger - as it should be.</p><p></p><p>Your son's girlfriend sounds like a basket of problems for him. He doesn't need that. And all the time she is mucking him around, he is out of circulation and a thoroughly nice girl could be slipping past him purely because he is so preoccupied with a dead loss.</p><p></p><p>She is being passive-aggressive in her crying demands and especially in her response to your conversation. "Crying to daddy" is a very bad sign - "Daddy, please make it better," is something she has learned to do.</p><p></p><p>Your son needs someone stable who can stand emotionally on her own two feet (even difficult child 1's girlfriend can do that much). With everything else going on for him, the last thing he needs is a girlfriend who pushes his buttons, just to get an ego-stroking reaction from him. She sounds like she's manufacturing crises with him, just so she can feel good about herself when he gets upset. "He must really love me, the thought of breaking up with me has him suicidal," she would b thinking with some level of satisfaction. "I am lovable after all."</p><p>And of course, she shares the drama with her other GFs. I had a friend who used to do this too - "My boyfriend needs to get a job, I really should break up with him because he is a bit of a no-hoper, but when I tried to break up with him he took an overdose, then rang me to tell me. I stayed on the phone and talked him down, I went over to see him because I was worried about him, I made him some chicken soup. He seemed drowsy but OK, I don't think he had taken as much as he thought, after all."</p><p></p><p>Drama, drama, drama. For its own sake. Very unhealthy, very immature.</p><p></p><p>She's a little girl playing at being grown-up and in love, but if she really cared for him she wouldn't be threatening to break up, over him not being able to see her more than once a week. I mean, good grief! Get a life, girl! A relationship that has legs, will survive a week or two (or even a month or two) with them not being able to physically meet. If the relationship is so weak that she wants to break up with him because he cannot see her as often as SHE wants, then it is no relationship at all. But she has to manipulate to get him to do what she wants - and if he does it too readily and hasn't suffered enough, then she worries that maybe he hasn't shown her enough how he really loves her, and she has to find another test for him.</p><p></p><p>What about her love for him? In what ways does she show her love for him? Ask him. Ask her, if you get the chance.</p><p></p><p>I would be talking with him, also getting his therapist to talk with him about her. But in all this, do acknowledge that for him, this is the real thing. NEVER belittle his love for a girlfriend, or any other advice you have will be discredited ( he will be thinking, if you clearly don't credit how badly he feels, how can your advice help?)</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. Time heals all wounds. And Time wounds all heels.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 132165, member: 1991"] Flowergarden, I do not think you did anything wrong. But I would write her a letter of apology, and deliver it via her father. I would write something like, "I am sorry you felt I yelled at you, that was not my intention not did I feel that I raised my voice. However, I was a bit distracted at the time as I was driving difficult child to hospital." This is only an apology if she things it is. You are thereby not apologising for anything you actually did, just saying, "I am sorry you feel this way." An example - difficult child 3 might be upset with me because he went to eat the last of the cooked chicken and there's nothing there. He might shout at me, "You ate the last of the chicken!" when I know it wasn't me. So instead of shouting back, "I did not!" I would simply say, "I'm sorry you're angry with me because all the chicken is gone. I don't recall eating any, there are other possibilities. But I can buy more chicken and cook more for everybody in the house who likes chicken." It's not an apology, it's not an admission of guilt, it's a way of saying, "I can see you're upset; but let's move on." And for all those of you who say that at 17, difficult child has to stop being so melodramatic because she can hardly be the love of his life at that age - can't you remember how you felt about your first boyfriend/girlfriend when you were 17? They say that first love is the love we never get over. And there are reasons for people saying this - it is t rue. First love is really intense. It's also often unhealthy, because both partners have a lot of growing up to do. But their immaturity doesn't make the emotions any less intense. difficult child 1 broke up with his first girlfriend when he was 16. Actually, she broke up with him - she was a lovely girl but had been doing all the work in the relationship and needed a bloke who was maturing at the same pace she was. And that someone wasn't difficult child 1. They had been an item for two and a half years. He was suicidal. I kid you not. He was cutting himself, leaving scars, tattooing her initials onto his arm, carving into his own arm, he stopped looking after himself, he was slovenly in his appearance, he stopped washing, he would talk of suicide. I got him to the doctor who put him on large doses of Zoloft, which helped ease the worst of it. It took two years for him to get over her enough to ease back on the Zoloft. Then he got another girlfriend. This one was a girl he met while they were filming a mini-series - the girl was an actress, a uni student studying psychology, a very bright girl. But when filming was over, the relationship was floundering. About all they had in common was intelligence. I suspect to a certain extent, he was a fascinating subject for her, as a psychology student. Distance was a problem - it just got too much. She had issues of her own, too - I strongly suspect she was anorexic, or at least a potential anorexic. She resisted going to dinner with us, but had to for difficult child 1's 21st birthday. I watched discreetly, she kept passing food on hr plate to difficult child 1, who happily ate extra without thinking. She was very slim and constantly referring to her need to stay slim for filming work. She would refer to herself as 'fat' and easy child 2/difficult child 2 as the sort of slim she wanted to be (easy child 2/difficult child 2 was so skinny you could see her spine, from the front). They had only been going out for three months when she broke up with him - the week after his 21st. difficult child 1 was suicidal again. I rang the doctor, who said to double the Zoloft again. We got him through it, it didn't last so long this time. Each time, I also talked to him about the relationship to show him where things went sour. I also worked with him to stop him from feeling resentful, but to see that each relationship had positive things to it and had something good to teach him. He is now engaged. There are problems with her, but together they seem to be a cohesive unit. This girl is very insecure, at times mothers him but at other times is very needy. But she isn't manipulative in any way. They support each other and work well as a team. As time passes I see the relationship making them both happier and stronger - as it should be. Your son's girlfriend sounds like a basket of problems for him. He doesn't need that. And all the time she is mucking him around, he is out of circulation and a thoroughly nice girl could be slipping past him purely because he is so preoccupied with a dead loss. She is being passive-aggressive in her crying demands and especially in her response to your conversation. "Crying to daddy" is a very bad sign - "Daddy, please make it better," is something she has learned to do. Your son needs someone stable who can stand emotionally on her own two feet (even difficult child 1's girlfriend can do that much). With everything else going on for him, the last thing he needs is a girlfriend who pushes his buttons, just to get an ego-stroking reaction from him. She sounds like she's manufacturing crises with him, just so she can feel good about herself when he gets upset. "He must really love me, the thought of breaking up with me has him suicidal," she would b thinking with some level of satisfaction. "I am lovable after all." And of course, she shares the drama with her other GFs. I had a friend who used to do this too - "My boyfriend needs to get a job, I really should break up with him because he is a bit of a no-hoper, but when I tried to break up with him he took an overdose, then rang me to tell me. I stayed on the phone and talked him down, I went over to see him because I was worried about him, I made him some chicken soup. He seemed drowsy but OK, I don't think he had taken as much as he thought, after all." Drama, drama, drama. For its own sake. Very unhealthy, very immature. She's a little girl playing at being grown-up and in love, but if she really cared for him she wouldn't be threatening to break up, over him not being able to see her more than once a week. I mean, good grief! Get a life, girl! A relationship that has legs, will survive a week or two (or even a month or two) with them not being able to physically meet. If the relationship is so weak that she wants to break up with him because he cannot see her as often as SHE wants, then it is no relationship at all. But she has to manipulate to get him to do what she wants - and if he does it too readily and hasn't suffered enough, then she worries that maybe he hasn't shown her enough how he really loves her, and she has to find another test for him. What about her love for him? In what ways does she show her love for him? Ask him. Ask her, if you get the chance. I would be talking with him, also getting his therapist to talk with him about her. But in all this, do acknowledge that for him, this is the real thing. NEVER belittle his love for a girlfriend, or any other advice you have will be discredited ( he will be thinking, if you clearly don't credit how badly he feels, how can your advice help?) Good luck with this one. Time heals all wounds. And Time wounds all heels. Marg [/QUOTE]
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