Am I Being Selfish in moving? HELP

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Aug 6, 2007.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm planning to move to a retirement community in Florida. I checked the rules and my daughter is allowed to live there. However, am I being fair? I'm sure there are younger people in the outlying areas but I'm not sure how she would meet them, hopefully through whatever job she takes. I'm also concerned about the quality of friends she could make there. There is a lot of drug use in this area but, then, isn't that true of most areas? I know that if she has friends come with stereos blasting, there will be problems but I don't think there's much they can do about someone visiting her as long as they were quiet and respectful. I'm not sure if she can participate in the activities that are there but I'm hoping she can if she wants to. Oddly, she does like older people so I'm not that concerned about her totally not fitting in.

    Every decision I've made since I adopted her has been with her best interests in the forefront. I do have other options but I really like this community and what it has to offer for me. This time, I am putting me first but is that really fair since I know she still needs more time to grow up?
     
  2. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    She may need more time to grow up, but she is 20 years old. She isn't a kid in high school trying to fit in with a bunch of kids.

    I think it is time to put your interests first. You have put her first her whole life. Now you have to think about your future.

    Of course she will meet people at work. That is were many adults find friends.

    I am a little concerned about the 55 and up community. My mother in law lives in one and except for the kids that come visit. There isn't any.

    Again, she is 20. All she needs to do is find one friend her age and it won't matter that all of her neighbors are older.

    I think you should go for it. It is time to think about you.
     
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that gottalovem put it well. Although I don't know where you are currently living, so it's difficult for me to know whether you are moving an hour away by car, or if it will be a plane ride.

    I tend to agree that if you are feeling that this is the right thing for you in your life now, it may be time to distance yourself from difficult child's day to day living needs. If she is still financially dependent upon you and having her come with you is part of that, then maybe you need to reconsider. Even if you would want it, she can not live with you forever. There will have to come a time that she needs her own place and her own life. It's better that she figures it out now with your help than later on when you can't help her.

    Is she eligible for assistance of any form that would help her with getting her own home? Maybe a church program or a Goodwill type program? There are options out there if you know where to ask.
     
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    We're moving cattycorner -- Pacific Northwest to Central Florida -- and driving with 3 cats and 1 dog. Should be a fun trip. lol

    Actually, I would love for her to move out but she is truly not ready either emotionally nor financially. The goal is that she will be ready to move out in a year or two.

    I know a retirement community will be extremely boring for her but I really fell in love with this place. It fits my needs perfectly and hers barely. She should be able to find a job there. There is a community college close enough for her to go to once she has settled in and gotten her GED. There are some activities she would be allowed to join in on in the new community, but many would be off limits because of her age.

    So, am I being unfair to her? She and I both know she really has no choice but to go where I go for now. She has no diagnosis that would entitle her to any type of assistance and any assistance that adoption services offered ended when she turned 18.
     
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    She might not be ready to be on her own but none of us really is when we first venture out.

    The only thing I would suggest is that you make sure she understands that she really DOES have the option to stay put if she gets a job/apartment/etc. It might not be possible but I think it's important for her to realize that she does have a choice.......that way if she hates it she can't blame you; she "chose" to go :angel: .

    And, who knows.........maybe a fresh start for both of you will be wonderful!

    Suz
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think that you are being selfish. Your daughter can finish growing up in Florida (and maybe the move will give her some impetus to move out and live on her own).

    My parents moved to a Florida retirement community while I was in college. I used to go there for the summers. It didn't really bother me as I had friends my age that I met at my summer jobs.

    Your daughter can go to the local community college to meet people her own age. I think that she will be fine.

    She won't live with you forever so you need to do what is right for you.

    ~Kathy
     
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Kathy took the words right out of my mouth, she will not be with you forever, and you certainly don't want to move again in a short period of time. It would be different if she were 6 or 12 or even 15. But she is grown, and the geographical change may be the best thing that happened to her.

    If the outside is new, it may inspire her to change things on the inside as well.

    Good luck to both of you!
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    She's your child. Odds are you'll always be able to see room for maturity. (I've seen that even with my easy child) Like someone else said, she's 20. At some point all of your decisions shouldn't be linked to difficult child.

    If she likes older people.... who knows, their company might prove to be a wonderful influence on her.

    You have a right to do something that makes you happy. Period.

    ((hugs))
     
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    she has had problems where you live now. tell her it is a fresh start for everyone.
     
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    She's not the problem. She's actually pretty accepting about the move. She has some doubts, fears about being so young in such a community but she thinks she can work around them given time and learning the area. I'm the one who is having doubts that I'm being fair to her.
     
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">She's not the problem...I'm the one who is having doubts that I'm being fair to her. </div></div>

    Hmmmm......if she's okay with it....are you sure you aren't using her as an excuse for having some fear/concerns of your own about the move? It would certainly be understandable if you were concerned about whether or not this is the right thing to do for you since it is a huge undertaking.

    Just a thought...

    If you really are okay with it and she is okay with it, then don't waste another minute second-guessing your decision. Think forward and start packing!

    Suz
     
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