Am I being unreasonable???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by CAmom, Jun 26, 2007.

  1. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    My husband and I used to enjoy spending time in the kitchen together, preparing gourmet meals made mostly from scratch while we sipped a glass of wine or champagne. I, quite frankly, have always cared more about the together time than I did about the meal or the wine, although I DO love good food!

    We've been married for thirty-something years, and I'm finding that this routine is getting old, particularly because my husband, although he still participtes sometimes, doesn't give me much in the way of positive feedback for what I feel is a great deal of effort.

    Despite that, I still try to give him the meals he enjoys, although, if I were on my own, I would probably order up KFC most nights!

    It's not that I don't enjoy cooking because I do--mostly. However, when I've spent a couple of hours (as I did tonight) broiling oysters, roasting and peeling bell peppers, roasting pine nuts, sqeezing fresh lemon, cutting up fresh chives, boiling pasta, cleaning and cooking artichokes and making garlic butter for them, etc., I expect at least a "Wow, this is wonderful!" And, I don't think I should have to ask for it!!!

    Instead, I've got to cue my husband by asking him if he's enjoying his meal (while I'm absolutely wanting to insert that oyster knife where the sun don't shine!). Well, maybe I'm not quite THAT angry.

    And, yes, I've told him how I feel, and he responds that the dinner was/is wonderful. Sorry, not good enough if I have to ASK!

    I could simply buy up some TV-dinner-type meals to prove my point, but, he really is a wonderful husband in most other ways, and I feel that he deserves having the sort of meals that he likes.

    This is REALLY making me crazy. Opinions????
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I don't think that is unreasonable. Then again, I am a female. You want to talk about being wired different...men & women are wired so different, it's not even funny.

    If someone (anyone!) went out of their way to make a meal for me, I would fall all over myself to let them know how much I appreciate it.

    But as I am thinking about it...my X used to gobble his dinner down without so much as a glance in my direction. Used to irk me too. And yet, when the car needed fixing, he fixed it. No questions. No fanfare. He got more praise from me for washing a load of laundry than for giving the car a tune-up. Car repairs were expected. I wonder if, after so many years, you making a delicious meal is just a given? Not that your husband completely takes you for granted, but, you know what I mean?

    I have insomnia and I am rambling. Hope I made a shred of sense.
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Tonight I would serve him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

    With a smile.

    And I would pretend that I'd spent two hours in the kitchen...so maybe you should put a sprig of parsley on the plate, too.

    Pour the wine with finesse, then sit down and enjoy your meal.

    No lectures.

    He's a smart man and you have already told him how you feel so I guess it's time to show him instead.

    Of course I was known to go on strike (mostly with difficult child but occasionally with exdh, too) when I was married. It gets the point across.

    Wanting some appreciation for what you do is not asking for the world. He's being lazy and a bonehead. Shame on him. :hammer:

    Suz
     
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Suz, what kind of wine goes with peanut butter and jelly?

    Seriously though, that's what I'd do too. He's taking the gourmet fare (and you!) for granted. If it's not appreciated, why knock yourself out? See how he likes Hamburger Helper! There's lots of different flavors and by the time you work your way through all of them, maybe his attitude will change.
     
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Donna, I know what kind of wine goes with peanut butter and jelly.


    "But HONEY, where's my dinner REALLY?" :smile:

     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is it Boones Farm?

    I know how you feel. I cant do much around the house anymore and when I do manage to do anything I want people to notice my efforts and practically rent a blimp! I feel its worthy of taking a front page ad in the New York Times. Headlines "Janet does the dishes and Makes Dinner:News at 11" It is so infrequent around here that it really should be noticed...lol.

    My nose gets so out of joint when I put out the effort and end up in pain for days and it goes unnoticed. I get told I dont thank husband for doing his job too but I dont think thats the same thing. I do appreciate that he works hard. I have told him that he is my rock. I dont think I should have to tell him on a daily basis that he does good. Maybe I should...who knows.
     
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Not unreasonable at all....sounds like a routine that has proven to be important to your marriage. Also, not unlike a difficult children routine, it needs to be shaken up now & again.

    Do the PBJ sandwich....serve a Miller Lite on the side. If nothing else it will get your husband's attention.
     
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have you stopped to wonder if you have changed any reactions that you used to have that he liked? Perhaps you used to comment upon seeing him with no shirt. Do you still do that? Find something that he wishes you did more of (LOL!) and maybe you can both work together to try those to improve those 2 things for each other. One each.
    He shows his appreciation for your hard work in the kitchen.
    You show your appreciation for his............whatever.

    I am sure after 30 years it is quite easy to get into a rut about these things. Frankly, I am very impressed that you still share the wine in the kitchen while you are cooking. boyfriend and I do this and I would only hope we still would be 30 years from now if we are still together.
     
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Is it Boones Farm?

    </div></div>


    Strawberry Hill!!! :smile:
     
  10. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>I'm a big fan of showing appreciation to my son's and husband when they are thoughtful. Make sure you point out that you are appreciative of the work he does around the house and you would like to be appreciated for the effort put in.
    On the other hand, if you do it because you like it, then keep doing it. If it's a chore and you don't enjoy it, then tone it down to easier meals that don't make you resentful.
    Doing something I want to do and then expecting everyone else to show appreciation is probably somewhat unrealistic. However, if it's taken for granted then I make sure they are aware of my unhappiness. :smile: </span>
     
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I think there are a couple of things going on here...

    #1---husband doesn't participate in the preparation as much as he used to....

    #2---If on her own, CAmom would do the KFC route most nights.

    So, in my interpretation, husband knows from past experience how much work is involved to put together these dinners....and most nights CAmom wouldn't be going to all this trouble except she is doing it because of him.

    So when he sits down at the table tonight, tell him you like the shirt he has on :rofl: ...

    (I'm sorry, Wendy :flower:, you are absolutely right about appreciation going both ways... and I'm just cranky today... but his lack of appreciation triggers PTSD from endless conversations about appreciation and/or lack thereof with my now EXhusband....so CAmom you should probably listen to Wendy and NOT me! :smile: )

    ...then serve him his pb&j sandwich. With a parsley sprig.

    As for wine? A nice, dry red....a California Merlot or Australian Shiraz, perhaps? :smile:



    Suz

     
  12. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Thank you all for your replies and great menu ideas!

    PB&J....hmmmmmm. Boone's farm, I DON'T think I could tolerate. I had my first ever migraine the first time I drank that or something similar in my early 20's.

    Yeah, I'm feeling unappreciated--that's the root of the problem. I DO enjoy trying out new recipes, but tend to get in over my head, and then resent the work. So, when he doesn't give me the feedback I'd like, he gets it with both barrels!

    I told him this morning that dinner tonight was hamburger helper. He laughed and told me he was bringing home steak to BBQ. He REALLY makes it hard to stay mad at him...
     
  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    be sure to wear an apron......and nothing else but a smile.
     
  14. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    OMG! Ant'smom...that would CERTAINLY be revenge. Did I mention I'm 50-something!?
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CAMom...that would only be revenge if you looked like Me...lol. But actually my husband would be tickled to get me in the altogether even at my weight so there is no accounting for taste...lmao. My kids think we are weird. They just shake their heads and laugh at us but then chuckle and say they hope they act just like us when they are "old"...lmao.
     
  16. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ok then you can wear one of those aprons with a top half too.
     
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Suz, you crack me up!

    CAmom - well it worked. You are not making the dinner tonight. Will you tell him how delicious his steak is?
     
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, I want to eat at YOUR house!!! :laugh:

    You've gotten some good ideas here (pb&j with-Bud Lite... and at least, toning down the meal... maybe leave out the pine nuts and artichoke, etc.)
    Make what you want to eat and do the work YOU want to do.

    Also, you could spice things up a bit by making a plain, easy meal but cutting up the veggies and meat and making faces and flowers, like we did with-our kids when they were little. It could be kind of funny (depending upon how much wine you've had b4-hand! If the kids aren't home it could be a porn-meal! What CAN you do with-radish and a sharp knife?)

    I made my husband put on a shirt at the dinnertable the other night. I knew he'd be a bit ticked, so I went and got a clean shirt from the dryer and handed it to him with-a smile. "Here you go. We're all set to eat." :whistle:
    He made a remark but he put it on. :biggrin:
     
  19. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Well, if her house is anything like my house used to be, she may or may not be "cooking" dinner!

    When we were going to grill something on the BBQ, I did all the planning and the shopping, I prepared all the side dishes, drinks and dessert, I set the table and served the food, and then I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.

    He grilled the meat.

    :smile: And I finally figured this out - the perfect beverage to go with peanut butter & jelly is ... grape Kool-aid!
     
  20. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    You guys are a crackup!

    No, I don't do this every night. He actually BBQ's quite often. But, as has been said, even that requires a lot of work.

    What usually happens is that I get bored with the same old meals and decide to "branch out." So, I'll pull out a cookbook and try something new. As was the case the other night, what SOUNDED like an easy dish of seared scallops, roasted red bell peppers, pine nuts, and chives over pasta turned out to be the meal from hell. The red bell peppers had to be roasted and peeled (NASTY job that turned my hands red!) before I could even begin the rest of the meal. The pine nuts had to be toasted, the chives had to be chopped, the scallops had to be seared, and this was just the main course!

    In my husband's defense, he is the shopper in the family and has no problem stopping by the grocery store almost every night to pick up whatever we need for dinner.

    I probably shouldn't complain...
     
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