Am I crazy or in denial???

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ck1, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Today my husband and I met with my sons mobile therapist (MT). During our visit, difficult child called to ask if he could have a home visit this weekend. I said that I wasn't sure because I haven't talked with his lawyer, then I went on to explain that things will be very different now. He said that he didn't understand why. I explained that now he has criminal charges pending and we'll have to be making changes at home after this short-term placement.

    When he asked what will change, I said that we will now more vigorously enforce our rules. He demanded to know what rules? I didn't want to get into a battle with him but told him that one of the rules will be that he absolutely will not be allowed to get into anybody's car unless we know the person. This has always been a rule, but before when he gave a flimsy explanation of the driver a couple times we just went ahead and let him go. Really, only one time that I can think of, which happened to be the night before I read his text messages and found out he was smoking pot. His text message said that he was in the car with hard-core dealers.

    He was not happy when I told him that I really needed to end our conversation as I was in the middle of something but I'd be happy to call him back later. His response was, "oh, I guess that's more important than me" and hung up on me.

    My first thought was that bringing him home after this stay while pursuing an Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) is not a good idea. Nothing seems to be sinking in. He's not accepting any responsibility and refuses to live by our rules. After our meeting ended about an hour later, I called the director of the center where he is. He was in her office saying that he did not want to come home because he is not willing to live by our rules. He said he'd rather go to boarding school, but that is not an option. been there done that and we're not spending another $40K+ per year because he doesn't want to follow our rules.

    Am I crazy to keep hoping that he's going to change and can be safe in our home??? The MT is suggesting that we send him to a shelter until there's an opening at an Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). The thought breaks my heart because I feel like I'm abandoning him, but I'm terrified to bring him home and risk him blowing up the first time we don't let him do what he wants. I have to think of my husband and two toddlers and be sure to keep us as safe as possible.

    I feel so sick now and just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I send him to a shelter, he'll never forgive me and end up worse than he is now. How do I know what is the right thing to do? He has two more weeks where he is now but I'm going to have to make a decision...how do I know what's right for all of us?
     
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think we all hope our kids will miraculously change. Sadly, that rarely happens. It takes more maturity than most teens, let alone a problem child, has. So, I think that realistically you have to face the fact that he isn't going to change when he comes home unless he truly feels there is no other choice.

    If he went to a shelter would he stay there or at least let you know where he was going or would you end up having to search for him when it was time to go to the Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)?

    Given that you have two little ones, I'd be hesitant in letting him come home if you are afraid he would get violent. It is one thing if he shouts and slams doors. Not a pleasant way to live but semi-tolerable. It is another if he throws or smashes things or hits.

    I'd give him a choice -- come home and follow the rules of the house or go to a shelter to wait out the time. I'd also put the rules in writing and send them to him where he is now so that he can make an "informed" choice. Of course, if he doesn't follow the rules, you would be forced to get him to a shelter as soon as you could. Is this at all feasible?

    Otherwise, I'd talk to the MT and get her to help find a place he can stay until the Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) is found. I'd ask that she find something a little more restrictive than a shelter where he could simply leave. Maybe a group home or a foster home?

    I hate the manipulations and games our kids play. They are so draining. Even if you know you are doing the right thing, you end up feeling guilty. You need to protect the family that is home right now even if it means hurting your son. He's old enough to understand he has choices. He may not like those choices, but they are his to make.
     
  3. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    meowbunny: thanks for your post and bringing up some things I hadn't even considered, like whether or not he could walk away from a shelter, I don't know but I will certainly find out before making any decisions, if I even have a choice now.

    He won't be coming home now, he got caught smoking pot in the respite center last night (did he really think they wouldn't smell it???). He says he's had it the whole time, but that's not possible because he was transported by a deputy from the detention center to the respite. I packed his stuff and went through everything before bringing it, then it was inventoried again at the center.

    Some kids had home visits yesterday and must have brought it in for him, but he won't say who. I'm not sure if the respite will keep him until the end of the program or what. I'm a little shaken now, I had no idea he had such a drug problem. Wow, it just keeps getting worse, wonder when he's gonna hit bottom???
     
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You won't like this but odds are he's a far, far way from bottom. That usually takes being older and being forced to live away from home with no support.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine your pain and fear for him. Maybe he wanted to get caught. At least then he doesn't have to face the fact he can't come home -- they'll send him somewhere else. I wish our kids could make at least semi-intelligent choices but it seems cutting off their noses is smartest thing they do.
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: cathyk_1</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    He won't be coming home now, he got caught smoking pot in the respite center last night (did he really think they wouldn't smell it???). He says he's had it the whole time, but that's not possible because he was transported by a deputy from the detention center to the respite. I packed his stuff and went through everything before bringing it, then it was inventoried again at the center.

    </div></div>

    Arghhhhh!!!!! Obviously he isn't ready to follow anyones rules, never mind yours.
     
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I would let him hav ethe consequences the judge deems appropriate. you may be new at this but the judge is not and has seen tons of kids like yours.

    he needs to learn and he is proving he is one tough nut to crack. like ant. sigh.
     
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If you live in rural Floria you do not want the Judge to decide
    everything. It's very important to get a good read on who the
    Judge is and what his reputation is for handling youthful offenders. Some care. Some don't. DDD
     
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