Am I doing the right thing? (Very Long)

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Trpl, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. Trpl

    Trpl New Member

    So, I posted a couple of days ago about my difficult child and putting him into a boot camp like program. Even after my post and the responses, I was still unsure if it was the right direction.
    Then, yesterday, husband and I decided it was time to let him know that we knew what he'd been up to (stealing, smoking, and drinking) and I called him. He was at school at first, then at the store 5 mins later, then at his girlfriend's (who is 19 while he's still 16, but choose your battles right?) Where, unknown to me, he's been staying for the last week because the electricity at the guardians house had been cut off for non payment!
    Now, the guardian and I have been in close contact the whole 4 years she's had my difficult child & one of my easy child's. In the last year, things have been strained because I don't feel she is being as watchful of my difficult child as I would be.
    So, why the heck wasn't I notified of all this!? Why the heck would she just let him go live with his girlfriend and her parents who I have never met or spoken to for that matter?! I don't even know where these people live!!He's not even there for her to keep an eye on!!
    So difficult child refused to admit what he'd done, so we told him that was his choice but he was not allowed to come visit my home until he was ready to take the steps needed to stop behaving like this.
    At that point I called the guardian and told her what I had found, and what he said. SHE LAUGHED and said she'd talk to him when she got home!
    How is she supposed to talk to him when he isn't even there!? And she didn't bother to mention that he wasn't there, she wasn't going to tell me at all! I mentioned that I didn't know her electricity was out, she said it was fine, they'd all been staying at her husband's mother's house! She lied!
    At that point I got off the phone with her and looked at husband who said what do you want to do?
    Within the hour I had texted my difficult child to tell him to get to the guardian's house and pack his stuff, he had two hours and what wasn't packed would get left behind. Then I sent a text to the guardian telling her that I was coming to get him. She asked when and I told her I was on my way. Next I called the easy child and told him what was going on and asked him why he hadn't called me to let me know what had been going on with the electricity. He said it wasn't made out to be a big deal. They were staying in the pop-up out side. ( WHAT!? ) so I asked him, didn't it bother him not to have something as basic as electricity? His reply? "No, it's been fun, like camping mom." I asked him then if he's been staying with the guardians, he said yea. I asked if he wanted to stay, because, as always, he was welcome to come home and I was on my way up anyway. He asked if he could stay.
    One of my best choices to let him stay there? Probably not.
    Will I end up going to get him really friggin soon. Probably.
    Ten minutes away from the guardians house I get a text from my sister (who is best friends with the guardian) saying that the guardian is really hurt and upset. I replied I know and I'm very sorry. I get there and guardian was in tears. I hugged her, told her I was sorry but I felt I needed to do this for him. She said his birth certificate and ss card were in his bag. I talked with easy child for a few minutes, asked again if he was sure he didn't want to come home. He said he wanted to stay.
    On the way home, I chewed out my difficult child and told him his options. Then he admitted what he'd done as well as admitting he'd still been drinking, smoking, smoking pot at school, and having UN protected sex!
    So, more the guardian is mad at me because I didn't have any consideration for her feelings or give her any notice that I was coming to get him.
    Did I do the right thing for difficult child?
    Am I doing the right thing by placating her since she still has one of my easy child's and I want the communication to stay open?
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Her hurt? difficult child wasn't living were he was supposed to and guardian doesn't tell you? She is upset because she knows she is in the wrong. Electricity cut for non- payment? Not a responsible act for someone who wants to be a guardian. Does she get paid to be a guardian? Not watching difficult child indicates she thinks this is easy money with no responsibilities. How convenient to have him living elsewhere!

    You pulled your son out of a situation that was allowing him to continue doing what got him into the guardian home in the first place. She was not putting his best interest in place. She should have notified whichever agency gave her the guardianship that she needed temporary place to transport difficult child into since she could not do the job for the time being. She is afraid of loosing her guardianship status.

    Continue to do what is best for difficult child. She doesn't get it.

    easy child wants to stay because she most likely is not watching him either!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Who picked this guardian anyway? It doesn't sound to me like she is doing her job AT ALL. After her lies, can you trust her? No, I think it was right to bring difficult child home. I'd be worried about easy child too. Does she get paid for being a guardian, like with foster care?
  4. Trpl

    Trpl New Member

    Ok the background story on the guardian (TG) and how she came to have two of my kids.
    TG, my sister, my brother, my husband, her husband and I all went to school together. We grew up in the same neighborhood. We were friends. We lost contact during high school and found each other again through Facebook about 6 years ago.
    husband and I have been together for almost 13 years now. The first eight of them were pretty rocky. In the ninth year we had separated and were filing for divorce. At that time, my options were limited as I didn't have any skills. So, my intention was to join the military to take care of myself and my children.
    In order to join though, I could only have three dependents, one of which would be husband as we were still married at that time.
    Over the last couple of years before that, TG had mentioned many times how respectful and well behaved my kids were and that they could come live with her anytime. It was all said jokingly, but when the military thing came about, I asked her seriously if she would take guardianship of two of them so I could join and help take care of them.
    The agreement we had was that they would live with her as long as their grades were good and they weren't in trouble until they graduated high school. I do not pay her. If they need something, she tells me and I buy it for them and take it up there to them when I visit or buy it for them while they are down here visiting.
    She claims them on her taxes and gets the refund from that.
    She has two other children who seem well behaved and well mannered. We got together many, many times before all of this came about. We seemed to have the same ideals and morals whenever we talked about raising our kids. I would never have considered letting her keep them otherwise.
    I don't know if she just doesn't understand that this is serious because she's not known difficult child his whole life, or if she really believes this is just a phase and he'll grow out of it.
    I have to wonder, if she thinks he'll grow out of it, at what point does it hit her that it's not a phase? After he's got a STD or a kid? After he's gone to jail for drunk driving, killing someone in the process? I just don't understand the nieveity.
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Your boy needs help and he needs to be with a stable person. I would bring the other home as well. Sounds like they are having financial problems. Are you still doing the military thing? I just don't think they should be there for any reason at this point. Letting your difficult child live with a girlfriend at 16? Doesn't sound like a good place. I know this sounds harsh-but they are your first priority and things have gone down hill at this guardians home.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My one piece of advice is "once you make a choice don't waffle". You did not make the decision lightly. You believed it was the correct choice. Stop second guessing and move forward with your plan. Your plan is intended to help your child and that, my friend, is the goal. Hugs DDD
  7. Trpl

    Trpl New Member

    Thank you every one :)

    I am at pace with my decision to bring my difficult child home. The first 48 hours were tough but thankfully we got it all worked out.
    My easy child has called me every day to report what he's doing, and how it's going. easy child is still asking to stay. At this point, I am going to let him... for two reasons.
    1) this whole thing seems to have scared and shown the guardian that I may not be there but I am aware and watching.
    2) my thoughts, attention, and focus is on difficult child almost 24/7 right now. It seems unfair to me to bring another child home when I can not focus my attention evenly between the three that are already home.

    So, difficult child is trying (yay!) Though it's only been a few days and my guard has defiantly not dropped a millimeter, he's not fighting me.
    We're trying to get him into FLYCA for the January class.
    Right now, he's come clean about everything he did wrong. He's clean on the spot checks I have done when he's at school.
    He's in the process of taking the next step toward getting into flyca, writing an essay to present to the local police and fire departments in hopes of getting the required mentor. His essay has to answer 10 questions a mentor would need answers to to make an informed decision.

    So far he's got:
    1) What is a mentor?
    2) Why do I need one?
    3) What are the problems I need help with?
    4) What do I hope to achieve with my mentor's help?
    5) What is my commitment to my mentor to achieve this?
    6) How will my mentor be rewarded for his time, wisdom, friendship, and commitment to me?
    7) What should my mentor know about me, my habits, strengths, and weaknesses?
    8) What is a mentor required to agree to in order to mentor me?

    He needs two more questions, any ideas?
  8. 92025

    92025 Member

    For mentor questions, perhaps "has someone tried to mentor me before and why did that not work out"?

    Are you still in the military? I think you need to try to get out and bring all your kids home even if you need to be on welfare for awhile.
  9. Trpl

    Trpl New Member

    I completely forgot to answer that question in my post, I'm sorry. I did not go into the military, I couldn't meet all of their requirements.
    I do have medicaid for my kids, but that is all we qualify for. The two easy child's not living at home are A/B honor roll, have good friends, and even girl friends, are well behaved and good mannered. easy child One lives with the guardian, the other with his grand parents. I truly believe I will mess things up for easy child 1 and he will take a wrong turn to become difficult child if I force him home with out a reason he will understand and think is justifiable.
    I can't express how hyper aware I am of this situation now, and how closely I will be watching for any sign, however slight, that she's doing something wrong again.
    I do appreciate all of your support and opinions, such a blessing to have found this forum!

  10. 92025

    92025 Member

    Well if you're really sure the easy child's are better where they are for right now then make sure to visit them a lot. All I've got is a difficult child so I have no idea how I would deal with another child in the middle of all this!
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Related to 4)... How will the mentor and I know that we have achieved these?