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Substance Abuse
Am I enabling by feeding my son?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 628757" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Things get confusing very quickly when dealing with an active addict.</p><p></p><p>After years of dealing with him in my house, he doesn't come here anymore. He doesn't sleep here at all, for any length of time. He doesn't come here for dinner.</p><p></p><p>I allowed him to come here for a few hours this spring to see about his car, which I am storing for him in my neighborhood. I gave him a sandwich on the front porch and allowed him to take a shower.</p><p></p><p>There was no drama, but I felt like I had to "watch" him the whole time he was here, and later in the afternoon, I took him and dropped him off at the library. He had no place to sleep that night. That cost me a lot, doing that. </p><p></p><p>So, for me, here are my rules---unless he is on a road to recovery that is clear and demonstrated and I can see happening (no talk---but action):</p><p></p><p>1. He won't be at my house anymore. For any reason. If he comes to my house, we stand outside. </p><p>2. There are many shelters and places to get food in this town. If I choose to give him food every once in a while, I will take it to him or take him to a restaurant.</p><p>3. I don't give him any money for anything.</p><p>4. I have all of his clothes and personal toiletries and I will take him what he needs and store the rest here. </p><p>5. I will see him once a week for a few minutes if he wants to see me. I will go to him.</p><p>6. No long drawn out texting back and forth discussions, email discussions or FB message discussions. I'm not going to go through it all with him again.</p><p></p><p>Over the years, I have had to make my "box" where he is concerned, smaller and smaller and smaller. To do more invites insanity. I'm through with insanity and drama and talk. </p><p></p><p>If that doesn't work, I don't want to think about no contact at all, but I know that option is out there for me. </p><p></p><p>Here is my bottom line: I don't want to be around active addiction. I don't like anything about it. And as far as I have come, and I have come far in my own work on myself over the past few years, I love my son, and his behavior, attitudes, actions, thinking and decisions still can create a lot of upset in me. </p><p></p><p>So in order to protect myself, and take care of myself, I am going to participate with him very little.</p><p></p><p>That is my choice, and today I am just as important as he is, maybe I am even 1% more important than he is. I just read about the 51% rule where we value ourselves at least 1% more than we value them. I like that. </p><p></p><p>Hugs to you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 628757, member: 17542"] Things get confusing very quickly when dealing with an active addict. After years of dealing with him in my house, he doesn't come here anymore. He doesn't sleep here at all, for any length of time. He doesn't come here for dinner. I allowed him to come here for a few hours this spring to see about his car, which I am storing for him in my neighborhood. I gave him a sandwich on the front porch and allowed him to take a shower. There was no drama, but I felt like I had to "watch" him the whole time he was here, and later in the afternoon, I took him and dropped him off at the library. He had no place to sleep that night. That cost me a lot, doing that. So, for me, here are my rules---unless he is on a road to recovery that is clear and demonstrated and I can see happening (no talk---but action): 1. He won't be at my house anymore. For any reason. If he comes to my house, we stand outside. 2. There are many shelters and places to get food in this town. If I choose to give him food every once in a while, I will take it to him or take him to a restaurant. 3. I don't give him any money for anything. 4. I have all of his clothes and personal toiletries and I will take him what he needs and store the rest here. 5. I will see him once a week for a few minutes if he wants to see me. I will go to him. 6. No long drawn out texting back and forth discussions, email discussions or FB message discussions. I'm not going to go through it all with him again. Over the years, I have had to make my "box" where he is concerned, smaller and smaller and smaller. To do more invites insanity. I'm through with insanity and drama and talk. If that doesn't work, I don't want to think about no contact at all, but I know that option is out there for me. Here is my bottom line: I don't want to be around active addiction. I don't like anything about it. And as far as I have come, and I have come far in my own work on myself over the past few years, I love my son, and his behavior, attitudes, actions, thinking and decisions still can create a lot of upset in me. So in order to protect myself, and take care of myself, I am going to participate with him very little. That is my choice, and today I am just as important as he is, maybe I am even 1% more important than he is. I just read about the 51% rule where we value ourselves at least 1% more than we value them. I like that. Hugs to you all. [/QUOTE]
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Am I enabling by feeding my son?
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