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Substance Abuse
Am I enabling by feeding my son?
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 628776" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>We're in a similar boat with our 20yo difficult child with the guilt, helping vs enabling, and working out the differences between husband and me in how to handle everything. I don't have all the answers, and we each find our own path, but I can share the following:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Your primary relationship is with your husband. Make sure you both are on the same page because your home is your home together, and you each deserve to have peace and comfort in your own home. in my humble opinion, if your husband is not comfortable with your son in the house, you should respect that, especially given your difficult child's current legal and drug issues and the fact that you have a young child at home. You can visit your son somewhere else, if you feel the need. Just my opinion. If you need help sorting this out, you (and your husband) may benefit from personal counseling.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Consider your younger child's needs. Your difficult child is an adult and can make decisions for himself while your younger child needs parents to make decisions that protect her. In our case, we are shielding our 13yo boy as much as possible from difficult child's drama. We had some pretty simple and reasonable rules, i.e. no knives, guns, cigarettes, lighters, or drugs in the house - period. But, of course, difficult child could not respect such restrictive expectations, and we had to kick him out. He simply cannot live here. As far as visits, think about whether or not your difficult child is using drugs or breaking any laws. Do you want an active addict or criminal in your home? Can you trust him? Consider the potential consequences (financial, legal, physical, and emotional) to your family and your younger child.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Think about whether you are helping or enabling. Helping is doing something for someone that he cannot do for himself. Enabling is doing something for someone that he can do for himself. Enabling will keep your difficult child from developing his own responsibility. At 20 years old, who has the responsibility for feeding and showering your son? Do you want him to continue to eat and shower at your home indefinitely? Is there a plan in place for him to take over purchasing and preparing his own food and living space for showering? Why does he feel entitled to eat and shower and nap in your home despite his illegal behavior and negative attitude? And why do you want or feel obligated to allow him?</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">We bailed our 20 yo difficult child out of jail ONCE so that he wouldn't lose his very good job. We made him repay us instantly. BUT we will never ever do it again, even if he does lose that job. If he loses his job as a result of choices he makes, that is HIS responsibility, not ours. It is enabling to continue to shield him from the consequences of his own actions.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">I would highly recommend reading about codependency. You seem to be caught up in some codependent behavior that will not serve you or your son or husband well long term.</li> </ul><p>I understand everything you are going through, and you have received some excellent advice already. Child of Mine and Midwest Mom are veterans here with some fantastic words of wisdom. Take what works and leave the rest. I hope you find all of this helpful. Please keep us posted on how things are working out for you and your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 628776, member: 4855"] We're in a similar boat with our 20yo difficult child with the guilt, helping vs enabling, and working out the differences between husband and me in how to handle everything. I don't have all the answers, and we each find our own path, but I can share the following: [LIST] [*]Your primary relationship is with your husband. Make sure you both are on the same page because your home is your home together, and you each deserve to have peace and comfort in your own home. in my humble opinion, if your husband is not comfortable with your son in the house, you should respect that, especially given your difficult child's current legal and drug issues and the fact that you have a young child at home. You can visit your son somewhere else, if you feel the need. Just my opinion. If you need help sorting this out, you (and your husband) may benefit from personal counseling. [*]Consider your younger child's needs. Your difficult child is an adult and can make decisions for himself while your younger child needs parents to make decisions that protect her. In our case, we are shielding our 13yo boy as much as possible from difficult child's drama. We had some pretty simple and reasonable rules, i.e. no knives, guns, cigarettes, lighters, or drugs in the house - period. But, of course, difficult child could not respect such restrictive expectations, and we had to kick him out. He simply cannot live here. As far as visits, think about whether or not your difficult child is using drugs or breaking any laws. Do you want an active addict or criminal in your home? Can you trust him? Consider the potential consequences (financial, legal, physical, and emotional) to your family and your younger child. [*]Think about whether you are helping or enabling. Helping is doing something for someone that he cannot do for himself. Enabling is doing something for someone that he can do for himself. Enabling will keep your difficult child from developing his own responsibility. At 20 years old, who has the responsibility for feeding and showering your son? Do you want him to continue to eat and shower at your home indefinitely? Is there a plan in place for him to take over purchasing and preparing his own food and living space for showering? Why does he feel entitled to eat and shower and nap in your home despite his illegal behavior and negative attitude? And why do you want or feel obligated to allow him? [*]We bailed our 20 yo difficult child out of jail ONCE so that he wouldn't lose his very good job. We made him repay us instantly. BUT we will never ever do it again, even if he does lose that job. If he loses his job as a result of choices he makes, that is HIS responsibility, not ours. It is enabling to continue to shield him from the consequences of his own actions. [*]I would highly recommend reading about codependency. You seem to be caught up in some codependent behavior that will not serve you or your son or husband well long term. [/LIST] I understand everything you are going through, and you have received some excellent advice already. Child of Mine and Midwest Mom are veterans here with some fantastic words of wisdom. Take what works and leave the rest. I hope you find all of this helpful. Please keep us posted on how things are working out for you and your family. [/QUOTE]
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Am I enabling by feeding my son?
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