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Substance Abuse
Am I enabling by feeding my son?
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<blockquote data-quote="Woriedmom" data-source="post: 628868" data-attributes="member: 18061"><p>Dearest Recoveringenabler,</p><p>I can't thank you enough for that article on "Detachment". I could go down the line on that list and see that is exactly my problem. I think I am better though, but a pain shot me in my heart last night as a thought suddenly came into my head.What if someone found him dead in his car? good grief! this really is pathetic ...I mean I could think up anything that could happen to my 20 yr.old son. I did finally kick him out, and it was really because of my 2 year old daughter. My husband and I did so much fighting over my son and it was hurting her. I want to protect my daughter and wouldn't be able to do this if she were away from me and in the care of my husband who has brothers and friends of his brothers, who might very well molest her and I can't take that chance. Besides there are a ton of other reasons for remaining with my husband, like I do love him. </p><p>Let me just say for the record that my son has never made any threats to his step-dad...I do believe he is infact afraid of him. My husband is a very strict man...he's very direct doesn't beat around the bush kind of guy. He really is a bit of a control nut but that's a different forum altogether but can someone tell me .... could it be that because of my husbands "meanness" my son started smoking pot in the first place? my sons childhood I'm sure didn't help any. Then there's always the fact that they have fun in what they do.</p><p>I do believe there are usually underline issues to behaviors. I know it's no excuse and we make our own choices...know right from wrong. But...for an example....when I was married to my first husband (married at 16 yrs.old) I use to lay in his lap and call the creep "Daddy". Naturally that was because I never had a father in my life, ( Had a step-Dad who emotionally and physically ) abused my brother and I. My X and I lasted almost 15 years...and during those years I did a lot of growing up. However...a few years into the marriage I began to collect dolls ...a few turned into many. By the time I divorced him in 2002 , I had over 20 of them. I would actually play with them at first ( whoever heard of a 16 yr. old playing with dolls right? lol I played with them for maybe 2 years but stopped when I had my daughter. Then I would just have them on display, many are porcelain. When I met my current hubby in 2008 he thought I was nuts for having so many of them now they are tucked away in boxes. A couple I've given to my little girl : )</p><p>Anyways I began to psychoanalyze myself and realized the obvious which was that my childhood was robbed from me. I mean who gets married after they JUST turned 16 right? well, for some it works out but not mine. SO...it was because of my upbringing that I married at 16( nutty mom signed for it ). Then of course calling my X Daddy.Then of course playing then collecting dolls in my grown years. Not to mention the reason for my divorce was that the very man I married had a problem from the start when I found out that he was sexually molesting our daughter, I mean the man was 8 years older than me but who would've saw this coming? Years later it was found that he himself was molested at 7 years old. and this was why he did what he did. BUT...when it comes to criminal acts with adults and grown kids... THERE IS NO EXCUSE!! My x new right from wrong! and unfortunately our justice system makes the victims feel they are at fault. Don't get me started on that issue. I did some healing myself on the abuse as I realized I too was a victim as a mother AND A WIFE. At first I wanted to give them all the death penalty...then prison for life...now I don't have the answers to where they should go. Some wounds I will say only the Divine can forgive. Hard to believe Jesus died for those sinners too but he did. In all truth I think I would kill him if I ever saw my X again.</p><p>But...in all this ...my son found out so...I could say that maybe this is why he started getting high in the first place. But HE was given a choice. Life is about choices....good and bad...some darn right evil. Bottom line here is that there are reasons why people act the way they do, do the things they do, etc. but we all know right from wrong and have the power call it willpower to not go through with our negative at times horrible behavior. And I do want to say that most times it will hurt us but it's awful when it hurts others. The people that hurt us the most are those that are closest to our hearts. I will add that my daughter ( now 24 ) is truly an overcomer. I'm sure the wounds still are there but she doesn't dwell on them and MADE THE CHOICE not to waste her life...giving my X the power over her, tormenting her mind, etc. that she is now in her last year of college, doing great. MY TROUBLESOME son on the other hand is choosing, notice I refuse to say has made the "CHOICE", that sort of indicates never able to change. Everyone can change their negative behavior, if they have the strong enough desire to change. I truly believe this with any addiction, or bad behavior in us all. O.M.G! I sure did go on a rant here.</p><p>Anyway... I realize I have a problem with detaching from my son...I'm sure alot of it is because of my X and me feeling guilty in that I'm trying to make up for the years of his childhood that was unhappy but it is a negative behavior and is hurting my son and myself for that matter. I think it helps for most people...myself anyway...to actually read a list of problem behaviors before realizing how WE are guilty AND CAN CHANGE, we ALL CAN CHANGE. I'm so glad I found this forum because it helps in support which is needed in my case anyway.</p><p>When all is said and done...I think I'm doing my own counseling. lol</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Woriedmom, post: 628868, member: 18061"] Dearest Recoveringenabler, I can't thank you enough for that article on "Detachment". I could go down the line on that list and see that is exactly my problem. I think I am better though, but a pain shot me in my heart last night as a thought suddenly came into my head.What if someone found him dead in his car? good grief! this really is pathetic ...I mean I could think up anything that could happen to my 20 yr.old son. I did finally kick him out, and it was really because of my 2 year old daughter. My husband and I did so much fighting over my son and it was hurting her. I want to protect my daughter and wouldn't be able to do this if she were away from me and in the care of my husband who has brothers and friends of his brothers, who might very well molest her and I can't take that chance. Besides there are a ton of other reasons for remaining with my husband, like I do love him. Let me just say for the record that my son has never made any threats to his step-dad...I do believe he is infact afraid of him. My husband is a very strict man...he's very direct doesn't beat around the bush kind of guy. He really is a bit of a control nut but that's a different forum altogether but can someone tell me .... could it be that because of my husbands "meanness" my son started smoking pot in the first place? my sons childhood I'm sure didn't help any. Then there's always the fact that they have fun in what they do. I do believe there are usually underline issues to behaviors. I know it's no excuse and we make our own choices...know right from wrong. But...for an example....when I was married to my first husband (married at 16 yrs.old) I use to lay in his lap and call the creep "Daddy". Naturally that was because I never had a father in my life, ( Had a step-Dad who emotionally and physically ) abused my brother and I. My X and I lasted almost 15 years...and during those years I did a lot of growing up. However...a few years into the marriage I began to collect dolls ...a few turned into many. By the time I divorced him in 2002 , I had over 20 of them. I would actually play with them at first ( whoever heard of a 16 yr. old playing with dolls right? lol I played with them for maybe 2 years but stopped when I had my daughter. Then I would just have them on display, many are porcelain. When I met my current hubby in 2008 he thought I was nuts for having so many of them now they are tucked away in boxes. A couple I've given to my little girl : ) Anyways I began to psychoanalyze myself and realized the obvious which was that my childhood was robbed from me. I mean who gets married after they JUST turned 16 right? well, for some it works out but not mine. SO...it was because of my upbringing that I married at 16( nutty mom signed for it ). Then of course calling my X Daddy.Then of course playing then collecting dolls in my grown years. Not to mention the reason for my divorce was that the very man I married had a problem from the start when I found out that he was sexually molesting our daughter, I mean the man was 8 years older than me but who would've saw this coming? Years later it was found that he himself was molested at 7 years old. and this was why he did what he did. BUT...when it comes to criminal acts with adults and grown kids... THERE IS NO EXCUSE!! My x new right from wrong! and unfortunately our justice system makes the victims feel they are at fault. Don't get me started on that issue. I did some healing myself on the abuse as I realized I too was a victim as a mother AND A WIFE. At first I wanted to give them all the death penalty...then prison for life...now I don't have the answers to where they should go. Some wounds I will say only the Divine can forgive. Hard to believe Jesus died for those sinners too but he did. In all truth I think I would kill him if I ever saw my X again. But...in all this ...my son found out so...I could say that maybe this is why he started getting high in the first place. But HE was given a choice. Life is about choices....good and bad...some darn right evil. Bottom line here is that there are reasons why people act the way they do, do the things they do, etc. but we all know right from wrong and have the power call it willpower to not go through with our negative at times horrible behavior. And I do want to say that most times it will hurt us but it's awful when it hurts others. The people that hurt us the most are those that are closest to our hearts. I will add that my daughter ( now 24 ) is truly an overcomer. I'm sure the wounds still are there but she doesn't dwell on them and MADE THE CHOICE not to waste her life...giving my X the power over her, tormenting her mind, etc. that she is now in her last year of college, doing great. MY TROUBLESOME son on the other hand is choosing, notice I refuse to say has made the "CHOICE", that sort of indicates never able to change. Everyone can change their negative behavior, if they have the strong enough desire to change. I truly believe this with any addiction, or bad behavior in us all. O.M.G! I sure did go on a rant here. Anyway... I realize I have a problem with detaching from my son...I'm sure alot of it is because of my X and me feeling guilty in that I'm trying to make up for the years of his childhood that was unhappy but it is a negative behavior and is hurting my son and myself for that matter. I think it helps for most people...myself anyway...to actually read a list of problem behaviors before realizing how WE are guilty AND CAN CHANGE, we ALL CAN CHANGE. I'm so glad I found this forum because it helps in support which is needed in my case anyway. When all is said and done...I think I'm doing my own counseling. lol [/QUOTE]
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