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Substance Abuse
Am I enabling by feeding my son?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 628881" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>You have had a tough life and I'm sorry about that. It may not have prepared you to take care of yourself the best possible way, but that comes to choices too. You can choose to make a commitment to learn.</p><p></p><p>Totally aside of your situation with your son, your relationship with your husband sounds troubled. He sounds very controlling and it sounds like you have been internalising some of that. For example the dolls. Many adults collect all kinds of things. Toys in fact are very popular collectable. Dolls or miniature planes or cars and so on. It is not nutty. You share a home, it is reasonable there is space for both of your interests and stuff. Dolls may collect some dust, but other than that, there is absolutely no reason why they couldn't be displayed in your house and why your husband should oppose it. That is of course a small thing, but everything you write gives a impression, that your husband feels he has a right to make all the decisions in your household. That is not okay.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Pasajes that you could really benefit from marriage counselling.</p><p></p><p>I'm married to dominating man and early in our marriage I did something that put me in the very bad position when it comes to power dynamics of marriage. However I also quickly understood that however deserved my husbands resentments were or how much I may have been a bad guy in there, it didn't make it okay to end up into the unbalanced power dynamics. How much fairer it would had been for me to make up this or that, marriage doesn't work that way. If I would had allowed that shift in power dynamics to happen and started to make up my mistakes, it would had ruined our marriage permanently. In fact, despite doing something really dirty to him, I had to instead of making that up be harder in keeping my boundaries and making it sure, I was not ending up dominated by him. Not only for him, but for my kids. They didn't deserve to grow up in family, that has dysfunctional power balance and be modelled a behavioural model, where other spouse is controlling and other one is submitting.</p><p></p><p>Your son being out from your house will not end or correct this issue. While likely a good decision, it in fact reinforces the unhealthy model, where your husband makes the decisions disregarding your wants and needs and you are left to rationalize it. That is very unhealthy situation for your young daughter to grow up in. She is still young, so you have time to change things, before she starts to really understand what is going on. But to do so, both you and your husband have to be willing to do the work. And he has to own up his part of the issues.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 628881, member: 14557"] You have had a tough life and I'm sorry about that. It may not have prepared you to take care of yourself the best possible way, but that comes to choices too. You can choose to make a commitment to learn. Totally aside of your situation with your son, your relationship with your husband sounds troubled. He sounds very controlling and it sounds like you have been internalising some of that. For example the dolls. Many adults collect all kinds of things. Toys in fact are very popular collectable. Dolls or miniature planes or cars and so on. It is not nutty. You share a home, it is reasonable there is space for both of your interests and stuff. Dolls may collect some dust, but other than that, there is absolutely no reason why they couldn't be displayed in your house and why your husband should oppose it. That is of course a small thing, but everything you write gives a impression, that your husband feels he has a right to make all the decisions in your household. That is not okay. I agree with Pasajes that you could really benefit from marriage counselling. I'm married to dominating man and early in our marriage I did something that put me in the very bad position when it comes to power dynamics of marriage. However I also quickly understood that however deserved my husbands resentments were or how much I may have been a bad guy in there, it didn't make it okay to end up into the unbalanced power dynamics. How much fairer it would had been for me to make up this or that, marriage doesn't work that way. If I would had allowed that shift in power dynamics to happen and started to make up my mistakes, it would had ruined our marriage permanently. In fact, despite doing something really dirty to him, I had to instead of making that up be harder in keeping my boundaries and making it sure, I was not ending up dominated by him. Not only for him, but for my kids. They didn't deserve to grow up in family, that has dysfunctional power balance and be modelled a behavioural model, where other spouse is controlling and other one is submitting. Your son being out from your house will not end or correct this issue. While likely a good decision, it in fact reinforces the unhealthy model, where your husband makes the decisions disregarding your wants and needs and you are left to rationalize it. That is very unhealthy situation for your young daughter to grow up in. She is still young, so you have time to change things, before she starts to really understand what is going on. But to do so, both you and your husband have to be willing to do the work. And he has to own up his part of the issues. [/QUOTE]
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