Am I getting too good at detaching?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Jan 6, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    List of players:
    A - future sister in law
    T - brother in law
    C - difficult child-Steph's best friend
    K - Sister to C and easy child's good friend

    Even though Steph has kicked us out of her life, through the people listed above, we have a good source of information of what is happening in Steph's life.

    A used to be a cutter in her teen years so she and Steph talk a lot. Plus, A is only 4 years older than Steph so they can relate. Well, Steph told A that she's cutting again. A also got the feeling that Steph might be suicidal again.

    So, T let's his parent (My In-laws) know that this is happening. And of course, they tell T that Steph is fine and has no problems. But they did tell T that they took Stephs car away for a few days because she skipped school to get speakers put in the car.

    husband called Steph just to see how things were, hoping that she might confide in him... she tells him that her life is perfect.

    Then, we hear from easy child. See, K befriended Steph on Facebook so that she can let easy child know if there is anything that we should be concerned about. Well, K called easy child concerned because Steph's status was (cleaned up for the board) Am I really that worthless that my grandfather tells me he is disowning me and my family? Whatever. Life hoovers. Thanks God for letting me live. F this poo. I'm finished.

    So, I have some concerns. Does the I'm finished mean that she's going to attempt suicide again? Is her thanks for letting her live a sarcastic reference to her failed attempt? And there is no way that we can really interfere. husband doesn't have custody. Steph won't talk to us. The In-laws live in their own world. At least Steph does talk to A and A has been suggesting help. Not that Steph is listening to A about it.

    I'm concerned, I'm scared, I've got a sense of dread hanging over me, there is a 100 pound rock sitting in my heart. Yet, I'm able to go on. It is so out of my control so I'm letting go. Oh I'm praying a lot that nothing happens. That's about the only thing I can do. Steph wouldn't even speak to me for the 4 minute visit at Christmas - so my reaching out isn't doing any good.

    This roller-coaster life isn't really fun anymore. Ant starts getting his life together and Steph's falls apart. But, just as I can't do anything for Ant - it is his life and his sobriety, Steph's life is hers. And I know that I did everything I could to help her when she lived with us. I do regret that husband didn't sue his mother for custody when the kids were little. I will always wonder if things would of been different if we had gotten mother in law out of the kids lives back then. But, at the time, we did the best we could with what information/life experience that we had. So it is a small regret.

    Thanks for letting me share. It helps to get a little of it out.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're too detached at all. I think you're at just the right level. Truly, as you said, there is nothing you can do -- either about Ant and his choices or Steph and hers. So you pray, you feel profound sadness, but you keep calm and carry on (as the British used to say during WWII). Nothing more you can do, and no sense in having your own life come crashing down around your ears when that won't help you, your husband or your easy child.

    Sending many hugs, and saying prayers for you, Steph, Ant and the rest of your family.

  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I sure don't think so. You've had too much on your plate lately and seem to figured out what is doable and what isn't.

    by the way, did I miss a post about Ant's arrival at rehab? I'm curious how it went. Hugs. DDD
  4. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Ant went to Rehab on the 29th. He's doing good. He called last night. He had been working on a writing assignment which was bringing up a lot of issues. It made him really sad so he called to talk to us for a few minutes. His graduation date is the 20th. He's been working his steps and also working on getting into Job Corp when he gets out. And he also got the insurance to approve 60 outpatient visits that can be transferred to a facility near Job Corp. So, he's doing good. Still sounds very scared. I'm so proud of him for facing his demons though. He's never been one to look inside, so this is a BIG deal.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds promising. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he has turned an important corner. Hugs. DDD
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think you're too detached, either. I think you're being realistic. Also, I understand the frustration of having one difficult child fall apart just as another gets it together.. I swear I used to think my kids took turns just to make my life more stressful!

    It sounds like Ant is doing some good work where he is, I'm so glad that's working out well so far.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Glad Ant's doing well. I don't think you're too detached re: Steph. As you said, there's nothing you can do, anyway. Sending hugs and saying prayers.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think you're at the level of detachment you need to be at in order to keep from plunging off the deep end yourself, honestly.

    When Nichole was cutting and suicidal.......even with her living with me the most I could do was keep watch over her. She wouldn't talk about it, if I tried she denied it, was hostile ect. Of course I kept right on talking to her, ever hopeful something was getting through. So I think A talking to Steph is a very good thing.

    You're doing what you can do by watching over her and praying for her. You couldn't do much more than that even if she was living with you. So no, you're not too detached, you're simply coping with the situation realistically.

    I hope she is listening more than you all know.