Am I going overboard?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Karen & Crew, Mar 19, 2007.

  1. Karen & Crew

    Karen & Crew New Member

    difficult child came home with a disciplinary behavior report today indicating that he was missing his ID badge (where it is is beyond me since I personally put it on him this morning), was screaming and interrupting throughout all classes and was hitting another child during p.e. class. husband thinks taking away computer privileges for the afternoon is sufficient punishment and I don't so I removed TV & outside play privileges for the evening. I explained to difficult child that he'd been playing enough today and that the evening hours would be used for quiet reading, quiet play or quiet puzzle time. husband disagrees and thinks I'm going overboard on the punishment.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. Today's behavior report comes after a weekend from h-e-double hockey sticks where he cut up and lashed out at everybody and everything. I'm just tired of dealing with this.

    husband works nights and is only home a night or two per week and every other weekend so I generally get the bulk of the responsibility for handling this.
     
  2. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I don't think you are going overboard at all. I totally support your decision.

    Hang in there-
     
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm not sure. I'm not a big one for punishing at home what happened at shcool because I figure they take care of it there. On the other hand, there have been times when I have given consequences for behaviors at school.
     
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm with Sharon - with my difficult children what happens at school stays there. By the time they've gotten home tweedles dee & dum have forgotten the entire incident anyway.

    I'm more likely to let an ADHD kid out to run off steam before bedtime just to wear them down.

    Having said that, please don't second guess this. Get together with husband & work out consequences ahead of time. Lay them out for your difficult child so he knows if he chooses A, B happens.

    Takes the anxiety out of the situation.
     
  5. Janna

    Janna New Member

    We discipline here for school behaviors. The consequences for actions are firmly laid out and known by all ahead.

    If a child gets sent home with a disciplinary notice or I get a call from the school, it is one evening with no electronics (this includes PS2, computer, television, stereo).

    If a child gets ANY suspension, it's a 3 day no electronics.

    Now, they can read. They can color. They can play board games, go outside and play, or do anything else constructive, but, they cannot have the electronics.

    This works for us. However, when I first incorporated this little venture into our life, I had to start small (for example, disciplinary notice, no TV only), then work up.

    I think alot of it depends on your child. In our case, my children are manipulative (lucky me). They would instantly say to themselves "ooh I can be bad at school and still come home and play the Playstation". I will not have that for one second :smile:

    I think you and your husband should just figure out consequence for action and write it on a piece of construction paper, dry erase board or whatever for your child. Make it clear. Explain it before difficult child goes to school, and keep it consistent.

    Good luck,

    Janna
     
  6. needabreak

    needabreak New Member

    iv learned that my difficult child has to be disaplined at the time of the promblem.cause its like when he gets home he forgets what he has done.the biggest punishment for him is that he doe not get something when we go out.weather it be a toy or a quater for the machine.
     
  7. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    If difficult child has a small issue at school, we might discuss it that night - if he chooses to talk about it, but nothing too serious.

    However, if he has a major meltdown - if he destroys property, or if I have to go and pick him up from collaborative day - he has no electronics for the rest of that day. No TV, no game systems, etc. This has always been the case - from very early on. It started out as a consequence, but became more about taking further stimulants from the balance of that particular day. difficult child knows it now - will practice his violin, read, etc.

    We had talked about not having home consequences for school behavior, but difficult child has always seemed to need to be accountable for it, so we've stuck with it. But that's what works in our house and he responds to that.

    We all do what works for us - I believe that all of us here make our decisions regarding this topic because it is what's best for our difficult children and our very different situations. I wouldn't say that you are going overboard at all. And, if you are the one who is responsible for the discipline the majority of the time, I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.

    Hang in there!
     
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    We discipline for school problems, depending on the problem. I do not take away playing in the yard (if he stayed inside all the time I would need medications more than he does) We use removal of electronics/TV. Some times this is hard as I am the only one who follows thru reliably, and I am not home often. I try to remember that with these kids out of sight is out of mind often, so I try to remind difficult child why a certain item is not available to him
     
  9. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> i'm assuming the school consequenced him?

    i believe what happens in school stays in school. i believe that if the school provides consequences once is enough. i believe consequences much be immediate in order to be most effective. kids have a hard time relating to consequences that are levied hours later.

    now this doesn't mean that you just ignore what happens in school. this is a time for discussions the need to make different choices....what are the alternative choices available. it's also a time when writing a letter of apology to the teacher for disrupting the class....& any child who might have been hit is a good idea. the whole taking responsibility thing here.....being accountable.

    i agree with-linda. don't over think what's already been done. water over the bridge. i would suggest tho that you & husband have a good chat & get yourselves on the same page. if you are going to consequence for school issues make a list so you, husband & difficult child know clearly what will happen.

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  10. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I think that everyone works differently with their behavior plans, and that the most important thing is that everyone is in agreement, and that the consequenses are carried out and an the way they were laid out to begin with.

    It is my experience that the parents fighting and disagreeing about the consequences makes them less effective, and changing the consequenses after giving them makes them even less effecting.

    Everyone needs to be on the same page and carry the rules out in a consistant manner.
     
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with oceans. It is important that parents are in agreement on concequences. Otherwise they lose their effectiveness.

    That said, I usually left school matters at school. Oh, there were times when there would be additional concequences at home like for suspensions. Suspension didn't mean a mini vacation. It meant lots more chores and homework assigned by Mom. The child was kept busy during the hours they should've been in school.

    But I had enough to deal with at home and the issues there. I didn't need to compound it with school issues.

    Hugs
     
  12. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm not a fan of punishing for school behavior. There was a time for about 2 years that difficult child would have been constantly grounded from life. :hammer:

    I let the school punish for what she does there and I punish for what she does at home.

    It just wasn't worth the fight. The school isn't going to punish for what she does at home, and vice versa. Just MHO.


    Steph
     
  13. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Oh, one more thing... My difficult child doesn't understand time spans very well. By the time she has gotten home from school, she honestly doesn't remember if what she did was last week or today. (This was much worse when she was younger)

    So, the effectiveness of a home punishment for school behavior didn't have much of a point.

    Steph
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I truly think it depends on whether or not you think the child can control himself. He sounds really unstable. If he's not getting the right treatment, diagnosis, medications, etc. I think it's fine to discipline at home, but I don't think it will do a lick of good. I think the behavior will just be repeated because he's out-of-control on the inside. I personally do discipline my "typical" kids for problems in school. My Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) son isn't a behavior problem, so that doesn't come up with him. I think the most important thing is to make sure he is properly diagnosed and on the right medications (wrong medications can make him worse), see if he's maybe on the autism spectrum too, and get an IEP at school. JMO
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhh, Karen, been there, done that! Boy, does that sound familiar! husband always thinks I go overboard, but, as you say, he's not there to see it. It took our child psychiatric to tell him that 1) we had to be consistent, and 2) he personally spent an entire summer on the farm in his room, instead of outside playing with-the animals, etc. and he survived and flourished. (I can't recall what he did to deserve it but it was something awful.) So taking away the computer for a few hrs is nothing, nada, no big deal. IOW, parents today need to stop feeling guilty.
    Hang in there!!!!!
    :warrior:

    Oh, of course, when you dole out the consequences, do it calmly and authoritatively. Expect a meltdown. Just keep on keeping on, calmly. (This advice is for myself as well, LOL!)

    Our teachers have asked us to support them at school, and specifically asked what consequences difficult child gets at home. It is very important that we are all on the same page.
    If it's a homework infraction, typically they can handle it themselves... eg he stays in from recess, does extra work, whatever.
    But if it's a behavior issue, we handle it at school AND at home.
    It really makes a diff because difficult child used to think that he could get away with-certain behaviors by going elsewhere. We gave him nowhere to turn and presented a united front.
     
  16. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>I think you have to ask yourself what are you trying to accomplish? How does the consequence translate to your child? I think you are going overboard for punishment for a school incident because of the bad behavior on difficult child's part and your own frustration at his difficult weekend.
    Consequences are supposed to teach and redirect. If kids didn't need parents to redirect and protect then we would dump them at birth to fend for themselves.
    Conversation over right and wrong choices are more important than the actual consequence but a consequence must happen.
    Most of our kids require structure. They need to know what the house rules are. If you choose to punish for school behavior, that has to be upfront and consistent. If you aren't going to punish then that has to be discussed and consistent with husband as well as difficult child.
    I refused to live in a military state in our home and to have a joyless home. If I punished difficult child for every infraction it would have been a difficult life for the whole family.
    Another point being that difficult child's do a lot of things that make us unhappy. Punishing constantly makes your home miserable. It makes you miserable for being the bad guy and it makes husband miserable because the little time he has with difficult child in the evenings is taken up with punishments and an unhappy mom. I do the whole Basket A Basket B and Basket C.
    I have a tendency to be fairly stern. I was raised in a home that was run by fear and intimidation. It's not pleasant. On the other hand, I can't live a free for all. I hope I am somewhere in the middle but husband's sense of humor tends to soften my sternness and I can see some of the humor of difficult child's antics.
    I don't believe being sterner or punishing more would have made difficult child better or more functional. In our case, I think I suffered over behavior and punished with no real change. It wasn't worth the misery it caused because it did not accomplish the goal of teaching, directing or nurturing.
    I hope you understand that I am talking about my difficult child who is fairly difficult due to the disabilities he was born with and through no fault of his own. However,I couldn't sit back and let him behave like an animal. I know you asked a simple question and I hope you don't take offense. I am just presenting my point of view from my seat. </span>
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow, Fran. That's exactly what I meant, but didn't say it as well.
     
  18. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I'm on the side of not disciplining at home for stuff that happens at school. If I did punish him at home, he'd be constantly grounded with nothing positive.

    My difficult child doesn't really respond to punishment anyway. It usually causes a meltdown and I'm not sure it changes his behavior. I do reward him at home if he has an exceptionally good day at school and I get a good email. Video games are set up as a reward for all behaviors - so I don't take them away for a bad day, but he gets extra time if he was exceptionally good at school. He usually has to do homework first, but if I got a great email, he gets a half hour before homework.

    It doesn't mean the school and I don't work together. If he does something wrong at school, the teacher will usually have him email me during the day and tell me what happened, and I usually respond to his email. Sometimes, he's had to call me. Even though we usually don't punish at home, he still hates having to call me or having to email me. We usually talk about it again in the evening.

    I wouldn't go back on the punishment you've already given him. But I would think about what it's accomplishing. If he's got nothing but negativity, then I'd try to set up a reward system so he's got some positive. I'm not saying that's the case with you but in our house, that's often the case. I find myself punishing him constantly and am always on his case, and he usually deserves it. Then I notice that he seems trapped in all the negativity and is just defensive and opposition all the time. I have to stop myself and try to reward him for small things so he has something to start from. He feels more in control of his behavior this way and most of the time responds to it.

    Linda
     
  19. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    There was a time I punished at home for school behaviors. Then in a discussion with the teachers it was decided that I would not punish at home for what happened at school. My difficult child developed the idea in his head that once he'd had bad behaviors there was no use in trying to do good the rest of the day because he'd be punished anyway. Now it depends on what happened at school. If he gets in school recess detentions, we have a discussion about it, but he gets no consequences at home because he's already lost his recesses over it. Any violence towards anyone is automatic consequence at home (grounded no electronics of any kind, apology letters), but thankfully he's never been violent towards people. Any damage he does that we would have to pay for he pays for out of his money. If he's sent home/suspended, until I get home from work from 8:00 to 5:00, he spends the day in his room either on his bed doing nothing if that's what he chooses, or doing school work or workbooks. I have to make being home more boring and worse than being at school, or he would get himself suspended since he hates school. I've spelled these things out to difficult child so he knows exactly what will happen for what he does at school. For all of it he gets long lectures from mom, and to him those are almost the most severe punishment he could get since he hates being lectured so much. :rofl:

    I agree with others, you have to be consistent, you and husband should be in agreement and your difficult child should have it spelled out beforehand - if you do this, this is what happens. Maybe all three of you could sit down and have a talk about what happens at school and consequences at home after. When my difficult child has some input, it seems to help him deal with his behaviors better.
     
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, it is oveboard. Do you have the right idea for a easy child? Absolutely.

    For a difficult child you have to parent differently. Ditto Stella - if I punished everytime something happened at school (and I tried) difficult child had no life at all. She was missing her childhood, being grounded. AND it did nothing to make things better for anyone.

    Try something different. Think out of the box. It will be different than the way you parent easy child. And that is OK.
     
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