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Am I hitching a free ride?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 649267" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes, I think so, too.</p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler described the difference for us on a thread some time back. She teaches that, when we find ourselves resenting the help we are giving, that is how we can know we are enabling.</p><p></p><p>I find that to be true.</p><p></p><p>Enabling would be putting something back together <em>again.</em></p><p></p><p>Enabling would be putting something back together again because we cannot face disappointing our kids, or cannot face having our kids <em>or ourselves </em>think we are not good parents, or good, kind people. This is a big one, as all our kids use it. (Elderly parents ~ anyone who wishes to manipulate us, really ~ can use this technique. When we find ourselves asking what kind of mother, person, daughter, son would think like this, or when we find ourselves feeling better about ourselves once we have fixed everything for the kids, that is another way to know we are trapped in enabling behaviors or mindsets.</p><p></p><p>Guilt is a big piece of enabling. It is guilt we assuage when we enable. </p><p></p><p>Enabling feels like a burden. Legitimately growing our kids up involves age-appropriate planning and budgeting and teaching them lessons about money and credit and safety and lifeskills.</p><p></p><p>Enabling always comes down to a bucket of money.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't budgeted or planned for.</p><p></p><p>However much money we have or do not have, enabling is a sacrifice because the event was not budgeted ~ not in money, and not in that precious, irreplaceable commodity, time.</p><p></p><p>We begin to resent the kids, but we feel duty bound to get them back on track.</p><p></p><p>We begin losing respect for our own children.</p><p></p><p>That is when we know we are caught in enabling ~ but I have to say again that enabling isn't a sickness, it isn't some character weakness. We are in impossible situations. Whatever our children have done, they are our children. It is a very hard thing to relearn how to think about the role of the parent. Yet, the evidence does seem to indicate that learning detachment parenting, learning to love them and believe in them and leave their lives up to them is perhaps the only correct response to a hopelessly complex situation. We all dreamed, not only of who and how our children would be, but of who we would be, as parents. All those dreams, not just the dreams we dreamed for our children, but those we dreamed for ourselves, too, have to be trashed as we awaken to the reality of what is required to parent a difficult child child.</p><p></p><p>It is a huge first step to realize <em>we did not do this to our children.</em></p><p></p><p>Once we can see that true thing, then we can let guilt go and approach what is happening to our kids with our eyes open.</p><p></p><p>But that is an impossible thing to do without support. (I am so thankful for this site.)</p><p></p><p>So, that's what I have to say about enabling.</p><p></p><p>I think the best words I know how to pronounce today are: "You are strong enough to do this. I don't know how it's all going to work, but I know you will make the right choices and you will be fine. I am proud of you. You are a good son (or daughter) and I know you can do this."</p><p></p><p>Well, that and "NO MONEY."</p><p></p><p>You have to say that in advance, so you can stick to it when the bad times come.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is great advice for all of us. Where our difficult child kids are concerned, I mean. We need to come here and review what's coming and set our sights on surviving it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You will get stronger and more certain the longer you are here with us.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>P.S. And you also have to say, when times are good and the child has an apartment, that they cannot live permanently at home ever again. </p><p></p><p>That way you cannot be guilted into doing something you don't want to do.</p><p></p><p>Pogo was right. We are our own worst enemies.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 649267, member: 17461"] Yes, I think so, too. Recovering Enabler described the difference for us on a thread some time back. She teaches that, when we find ourselves resenting the help we are giving, that is how we can know we are enabling. I find that to be true. Enabling would be putting something back together [I]again.[/I] Enabling would be putting something back together again because we cannot face disappointing our kids, or cannot face having our kids [I]or ourselves [/I]think we are not good parents, or good, kind people. This is a big one, as all our kids use it. (Elderly parents ~ anyone who wishes to manipulate us, really ~ can use this technique. When we find ourselves asking what kind of mother, person, daughter, son would think like this, or when we find ourselves feeling better about ourselves once we have fixed everything for the kids, that is another way to know we are trapped in enabling behaviors or mindsets. Guilt is a big piece of enabling. It is guilt we assuage when we enable. Enabling feels like a burden. Legitimately growing our kids up involves age-appropriate planning and budgeting and teaching them lessons about money and credit and safety and lifeskills. Enabling always comes down to a bucket of money. It wasn't budgeted or planned for. However much money we have or do not have, enabling is a sacrifice because the event was not budgeted ~ not in money, and not in that precious, irreplaceable commodity, time. We begin to resent the kids, but we feel duty bound to get them back on track. We begin losing respect for our own children. That is when we know we are caught in enabling ~ but I have to say again that enabling isn't a sickness, it isn't some character weakness. We are in impossible situations. Whatever our children have done, they are our children. It is a very hard thing to relearn how to think about the role of the parent. Yet, the evidence does seem to indicate that learning detachment parenting, learning to love them and believe in them and leave their lives up to them is perhaps the only correct response to a hopelessly complex situation. We all dreamed, not only of who and how our children would be, but of who we would be, as parents. All those dreams, not just the dreams we dreamed for our children, but those we dreamed for ourselves, too, have to be trashed as we awaken to the reality of what is required to parent a difficult child child. It is a huge first step to realize [I]we did not do this to our children.[/I] Once we can see that true thing, then we can let guilt go and approach what is happening to our kids with our eyes open. But that is an impossible thing to do without support. (I am so thankful for this site.) So, that's what I have to say about enabling. I think the best words I know how to pronounce today are: "You are strong enough to do this. I don't know how it's all going to work, but I know you will make the right choices and you will be fine. I am proud of you. You are a good son (or daughter) and I know you can do this." Well, that and "NO MONEY." You have to say that in advance, so you can stick to it when the bad times come. This is great advice for all of us. Where our difficult child kids are concerned, I mean. We need to come here and review what's coming and set our sights on surviving it. You will get stronger and more certain the longer you are here with us. Cedar P.S. And you also have to say, when times are good and the child has an apartment, that they cannot live permanently at home ever again. That way you cannot be guilted into doing something you don't want to do. Pogo was right. We are our own worst enemies. [/QUOTE]
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