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Am I Losing My Mind? Please Help!
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 542880" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>Hi there. You are not alone and please dont feel you will be judged here. Anything we say will come from either that been there done that place as you said or because we have similar issues, experience with friends or relatives with similar issues or just have learned a few things because when you have a really tough child, even if it is not from the same reason or diagnosis or situation or whatever....you tend to talk more and relate more and get to know that person because friends like that are few and far between. It is hard to find friends who get it. </p><p></p><p>I have an idea for you to investigate....and it could be only a part of things (especially if bio dad has a mental health issue that she may have inherited....others here know more about those kinds of things and will ask you questions and make suggestions about that kind of thing).... It is called Reactive Attachment Disorder and the hard thing when looking up information on it is that you come across information about the most scary and difficult to treat end of the spectrum...which is often kids who experienced extreme abuse and neglect from the years birth through three. But as I said it is a spectrum and there are variations. I personally believe that our innate genetic make up contributes a great deal to how resilient we are so some kids can experience the very same thing as others but end up OK because maybe their inborn temperament is just designed that way. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, what you went through when pregnant and early on??? You went into survival mode I would guess. (of course I dont really know, just seems like how many of us would get through what you had to go through). By the way, even very healthy and supported new moms often do not feel bonded early on, that is not so strange. But for you, maybe you had to detach overall from life to be able to cope? And certainly your baby was a strong tie to someone who was hurting you emotionally. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, attachment disorder results sometimes when that very early bonding time is disrupted in some way. Sometimes through no intentional abuse kind of thing, as in your case. Sometimes it is because the parent is ill, or the child is ill or in pain and it can't be fixed. That cycle of infant has pain or is hungry or uncomfortable/mom comforts/baby feels safe and well is how we all learn to connect with people. The interruption in that can result in someone being totally unable to love or attach or on a milder end....to having an insecure ability or lack of trust, or many combinations of this. </p><p></p><p>I mention it because some of the things you say she does do fall on the symptom lists (and probably on other mental health or even neurological disorder symptom lists) but put together with that you say you felt the bond was not typical on a consistent basis, this might be something to explore. Please understand this is not about blame, it will do no good for you to beat yourself up about this. My mom had many issues with depression and anxiety when my sister and I were young and I had a hard time with certain areas of relationships, was really a needy child. I do not blame my mother at all. I was well cared for by relatives but passed around and always worried mom would have to leave again. We are very close now. It is a different thing I realize but the point is, we all do the best we can. I have made many mistakes and said some awful things to my son. We all have issues, but how we look at things now, and how we deal with them from this point on is what matters. You would not be here if you did not care. You obviously overcame a lot. </p><p></p><p>There are some good sites and there are therapies that can help. Sometimes therapists and psychologists who are not trained specifically in this area can try to help, but may do more damage because they dont catch on to how kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (that is the short hand abbreviation for reactive attachment disorder, sometimes if a kid does have that diagnosis (diagnosis) they are called radishes,lol) Anyway, typical therapists, social workers, teachers, etc...may fall for the sweetie pie manipulation that is done and the blame all goes to the parenting and discipline You get told to do a bunch of sticker charts and other such typical parenting strategies and often these things do NOTHING and even make things worse. It takes specialized therapists to work on attachment. </p><p></p><p>I like the information on this site: <a href="http://attach-china.org/" target="_blank">http://attach-china.org/</a> because though it started by a couple of moms who adopted babies from china who had attachment symptoms, it is much more broad in scope now. They have a yahoo group much like this that you can join too and you can get a TON of information on different therapies that work and dont work as well as daily parenting ideas that are often not the kinds of ideas that most of our family or friends would suggest. (I often use the example, since my son has insecure attachment, of my being the only one who could do things for him when he was little, and as time went on, I learned to do time in instead of time out because they often do things to push us away. They need to be near us more, see that we are in charge and they dont have to orchestrate the world on their own....many of their tough guy threats etc. are because they deep down think they need to be in control of everything, it gets very twisted up). There are many ideas like this. There are children who can't be reached. But there are many, especially when helped young, who can be helped. </p><p></p><p>check out the symptom list and do some research on your own. Do not let yourself get too scared about if she is going to be a mass murderer some day at this point... promise? Trust me, there are many of us here who know that our kids could tip to that side of things, even if not calculated kinds of crime....it is a scary thought. But it does no good right now except to motivate us to do all we can to see if our kids are the ones who can be helped. She doesn't have the typical history of someone who is on the severe end but she does show some very challenging symptoms so whatever this ends up being called, I hope you can find someone to help. </p><p></p><p>Others will post ideas about assessment and different kinds of professionals etc.... I'll leave that to them since I am sure you probably have had quite enough of me by now....</p><p></p><p>I want you to know, I view finding out about things like this as hopeful, because it gives us a place to start working on things. But it is still sad and scary and I get that. I went through lots of attachment therapy with my son. We still work on things and just this year I was touched that my fifteen year old kid wanted me for the first time to stay with him and hold his hand while he got his blood drawn. I have waited a long time for him to want me to be his comfort! I'm so glad you are here. Please know I really do care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 542880, member: 12886"] Hi there. You are not alone and please dont feel you will be judged here. Anything we say will come from either that been there done that place as you said or because we have similar issues, experience with friends or relatives with similar issues or just have learned a few things because when you have a really tough child, even if it is not from the same reason or diagnosis or situation or whatever....you tend to talk more and relate more and get to know that person because friends like that are few and far between. It is hard to find friends who get it. I have an idea for you to investigate....and it could be only a part of things (especially if bio dad has a mental health issue that she may have inherited....others here know more about those kinds of things and will ask you questions and make suggestions about that kind of thing).... It is called Reactive Attachment Disorder and the hard thing when looking up information on it is that you come across information about the most scary and difficult to treat end of the spectrum...which is often kids who experienced extreme abuse and neglect from the years birth through three. But as I said it is a spectrum and there are variations. I personally believe that our innate genetic make up contributes a great deal to how resilient we are so some kids can experience the very same thing as others but end up OK because maybe their inborn temperament is just designed that way. Anyway, what you went through when pregnant and early on??? You went into survival mode I would guess. (of course I dont really know, just seems like how many of us would get through what you had to go through). By the way, even very healthy and supported new moms often do not feel bonded early on, that is not so strange. But for you, maybe you had to detach overall from life to be able to cope? And certainly your baby was a strong tie to someone who was hurting you emotionally. Anyway, attachment disorder results sometimes when that very early bonding time is disrupted in some way. Sometimes through no intentional abuse kind of thing, as in your case. Sometimes it is because the parent is ill, or the child is ill or in pain and it can't be fixed. That cycle of infant has pain or is hungry or uncomfortable/mom comforts/baby feels safe and well is how we all learn to connect with people. The interruption in that can result in someone being totally unable to love or attach or on a milder end....to having an insecure ability or lack of trust, or many combinations of this. I mention it because some of the things you say she does do fall on the symptom lists (and probably on other mental health or even neurological disorder symptom lists) but put together with that you say you felt the bond was not typical on a consistent basis, this might be something to explore. Please understand this is not about blame, it will do no good for you to beat yourself up about this. My mom had many issues with depression and anxiety when my sister and I were young and I had a hard time with certain areas of relationships, was really a needy child. I do not blame my mother at all. I was well cared for by relatives but passed around and always worried mom would have to leave again. We are very close now. It is a different thing I realize but the point is, we all do the best we can. I have made many mistakes and said some awful things to my son. We all have issues, but how we look at things now, and how we deal with them from this point on is what matters. You would not be here if you did not care. You obviously overcame a lot. There are some good sites and there are therapies that can help. Sometimes therapists and psychologists who are not trained specifically in this area can try to help, but may do more damage because they dont catch on to how kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (that is the short hand abbreviation for reactive attachment disorder, sometimes if a kid does have that diagnosis (diagnosis) they are called radishes,lol) Anyway, typical therapists, social workers, teachers, etc...may fall for the sweetie pie manipulation that is done and the blame all goes to the parenting and discipline You get told to do a bunch of sticker charts and other such typical parenting strategies and often these things do NOTHING and even make things worse. It takes specialized therapists to work on attachment. I like the information on this site: [URL]http://attach-china.org/[/URL] because though it started by a couple of moms who adopted babies from china who had attachment symptoms, it is much more broad in scope now. They have a yahoo group much like this that you can join too and you can get a TON of information on different therapies that work and dont work as well as daily parenting ideas that are often not the kinds of ideas that most of our family or friends would suggest. (I often use the example, since my son has insecure attachment, of my being the only one who could do things for him when he was little, and as time went on, I learned to do time in instead of time out because they often do things to push us away. They need to be near us more, see that we are in charge and they dont have to orchestrate the world on their own....many of their tough guy threats etc. are because they deep down think they need to be in control of everything, it gets very twisted up). There are many ideas like this. There are children who can't be reached. But there are many, especially when helped young, who can be helped. check out the symptom list and do some research on your own. Do not let yourself get too scared about if she is going to be a mass murderer some day at this point... promise? Trust me, there are many of us here who know that our kids could tip to that side of things, even if not calculated kinds of crime....it is a scary thought. But it does no good right now except to motivate us to do all we can to see if our kids are the ones who can be helped. She doesn't have the typical history of someone who is on the severe end but she does show some very challenging symptoms so whatever this ends up being called, I hope you can find someone to help. Others will post ideas about assessment and different kinds of professionals etc.... I'll leave that to them since I am sure you probably have had quite enough of me by now.... I want you to know, I view finding out about things like this as hopeful, because it gives us a place to start working on things. But it is still sad and scary and I get that. I went through lots of attachment therapy with my son. We still work on things and just this year I was touched that my fifteen year old kid wanted me for the first time to stay with him and hold his hand while he got his blood drawn. I have waited a long time for him to want me to be his comfort! I'm so glad you are here. Please know I really do care. [/QUOTE]
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