Am I making too much of this?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Nov 13, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child is in a phase- at least, I hope it's just a phase. When I tell him he needs to do something, like start homework or get in the shower, he comes back with "no, I don't want to" or "I'll do it later" or something else seemingly defiant while he has a smirk on his face. He knows this angers me, then when I yell or put my foot down, he just says "ok" and goes and does it. So, I don't end up feeling like he's such a bad kid- I just don't get why he doesn't do it to begin with instead of jerking my chain first.

    Does anyone have any suggestions of how to get past this?
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child can get this way occasionally. It is almost like he has to have at least a bit of negativity or sometimes I think he does it because it is his odd sense of humor.

    Wish I had some ideas to offer!
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    My easy child did that at one point. difficult child does it now. I will say ok 5 min. showertime (i always give a countdown for her) than she'll still not be ready or say no. Same with us leaving the houes to go just about anywhere.

    So, now what I do is countdown to when we will go, or shower or hw. than when it's time to do whatever it is I take her by the hand, I no longer wait for the no and lead her to whatever it is she has to do.

    Granted hw can be so much harder. If difficult child doesn't make an attempt to do her hw she loses her t.v. time to watch her show at night. I just look for an attempt. Her hw can be quite alot some nights, my personal cut off is 45 min. which is long for her age. i have told teacher that's our cut off also. I do have to keep redirecting her with hw and i can never ever leave her alone to do it.

    sorry that's how I do it. I found myself getting into "debates" with her over the simplest things lol. I was like hmm ok i'm totally dropping to her level now. :) I did it without realizing. yet I now find a few things getting better. Shower for instance since she knows I will come find her and drag her if need be by her hand she folds easier now for me :)

    Hope that was of some help

    I know it can be frustrating
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My difficult child does this a lot, and my response to I don't want to is usually, I didn't ask if you wanted to, can you go do xyz? With my difficult child if I yell, everything gets worse. If he wants to do it later, we set a timer for a certain amount of minutes and when the timer goes off, he has to go do what ever it is. The timer gives him a chance to do it later, and reminds me when later happens. Otherwise later never happens, and then I get upset. I really try to stay non reactive, which is hard, but helps.

    I get frustrated with my difficult child who is almost 11, it would be worse with a 13yr old. Hugs, and try not to let him set you off.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks- I actually did use the countdown when he was younger. I still give him a 5 min "heads-up" so that I'm not just coming in the room telling him to "jump" into something different right away. This seems similar to having to get the last word in or something. I'm concerned that if I don't get it turned around, he will end up just being defiant and not doing whatever it is at all.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You snuck in on me, CM30. That's a good suggestion. I'll try it- and yep, it's hard when I'm tired not to let this get to me. Maybe he does think it's funny, but I don't.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I think it's part of being a teenager and part of being a difficult child -- these kids want to have control over situations they feel they have no control over.

    So I give my son control in the form of choices:

    Do you want to do your homework at 7:30 or 8 pm?
    Do you want to take a shower before dinner or after dinner?

    Good luck -- I know this stuff is not easy.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That might work well with him, SW- Thanks!
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT needed the countdown and the options as well. I do remember, after one very long and very awful day, her refusals and smirks just got to me, and I gave her a choice..."Do you want to take your shower now, or would you prefer a spanking before you take your shower?" She showered, no problem, and she was my best friend for about two days.
  10. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    TEsting limits is the job children take on and over time they learn some do-zees.
    At that age my son picked up this way of tapping me on the shoulder. It was a purely annoyance tactic...utterly for the sheer power of being really really creepy.
    IT sounds like you need to give something new to hand over responcibility now.
    How about a posted time table with the hour that homework begins and the time when the shower will begin. Introduce it at the family meeting. Clearly at thirteen it is the respocibility of the 13 year old to do their work, chores, bathing, bedtime without prompting. The clock tics at the same rate everyday.
    Take away privideges when the issue arrises again.
    You are empowering your youth with the behavor expectations that are needed.
    If you neglect teaching him to marshal his energy then it will come back and bite you.
    I say things like: you will put your shorts in the landry after you take them off.
    I am not going to have your wife calling me up crying because you do not take care of yourself and others. You are capable and can do it. DO IT.
    I do not want to is a crock. Better start some wanting then. gets easier with habit. When you value your time then you do the job right and get it done well and do not waste time dragging.
    Is he getting enough sleep? Behavior is always more troubling when tierd, hungery,or joyless.
    Be strong their, sister...get formidable and fearse and keep your sence of humor.
    My dad said something really important to me alot when I was growing up...I could often not find my shoes when it was time to go to school. ANd he would say " I will help you find them. Lets start in the closet"
    I was over thirty befor it dawned on me how brilliant that was. Look where it is suppose to be. Start there..(and eventually putting them in the proper place )
    No time like the present. If the skill seems to need aquiring than why not now?
    It seems like particpating is not important to our kids. But when I did put the foot down and lay out the rules and the chores than what do I over hear? I can not. Ihave chores to do,homework first.
    TAke a deep breath and say it firmly and clearly (again) but do not repeat yourself. Ask "What did I tell you"
    May all mothers of teen boys be joyful and undaunted.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I was raised with a mom-line that worked even with my gfgbro and I used with success with ALL my kids, even Wiz usually:

    You can say NO, but you better DO yes.

    Simple, to the point, no room for misunderstanding, and it ends the issue.

    Once in a while Wiz tested me, and consequences came in, but if I used that line he knew I meant business.

    Kids are strange. esp boy kids.

    Sorry you are dealing with this.
  12. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    my daughter does that. We are much better now that the timer came into it. Yes, there are days she waits until the darn timer goes off, but hey, it gets done. This way she does it on HER terms, not mine. (so to speak)