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Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742644" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I get what you are saying, SWOT. It is steering a course between the rocks that are on one side, and the rocks on the other, which is my own, true course. Why? Because there is not one right answer and one wrong one. There is just the better one, which has bad and good parts. Which is kind of like real life.No. I don't. The issue here is M. He comes to me with tales. He puts me in the middle.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>M: This is wrong. He is doing this. The xx is trashed. And (this is M talking): I am sick and tired of fixing the same thing over and over again because he carelessly destroys it, or kicks it, or makes xx filthy. Or that filthy. I can't stand doing the same work 10x.</em></p><p></p><p>The quirk that got me so upset I made him leave was his inability to budget or to want to budget and his willingness or sense of responsibility to pay rent. It was not a quirk. It was the awareness that I was enabling him to believe that he did not have to take responsibility or to seek anybody to help him structure his life in a way that worked.</p><p></p><p>However painful were the quirks, it was what I saw in myself, that was intolerable. That I needed to hold the line, to insist upon his self-responsibility, a bottom line.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>I think the key here is my communication with M and structuring this in such a way that M is not in the middle, and does not insert himself there. How to do this, I am unclear.</p><p>That is an idea. I had brought up to M some time ago that I find a housekeeper to help M. And M would not hear of it. He didn't want anybody else involved and he insisted that J do what he needed to do. But as you know our life as a threesome had a lot of conflict, and the cost to me and to J in particular is so high.</p><p></p><p>I have to take control of this and have it be between J and myself.</p><p></p><p>Even if I were to minimize contact, so as to not react to his quirks, to his lifestyle, there are still the things that need to happen: the liver doctor and treatment, therapy, money management and paying some sort of rent, even if it is to pay for therapy, or saved. Because if I do not insist upon this I am most definitely enabling. And this is what I do not want to do. Because I am digging my own grave with that. To the extent that J does not learn to handle his life while I am alive, he will be in difficult straits when I die, and this scares me the most.</p><p></p><p>Thank you SWOT.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742644, member: 18958"] I get what you are saying, SWOT. It is steering a course between the rocks that are on one side, and the rocks on the other, which is my own, true course. Why? Because there is not one right answer and one wrong one. There is just the better one, which has bad and good parts. Which is kind of like real life.No. I don't. The issue here is M. He comes to me with tales. He puts me in the middle. [I] M: This is wrong. He is doing this. The xx is trashed. And (this is M talking): I am sick and tired of fixing the same thing over and over again because he carelessly destroys it, or kicks it, or makes xx filthy. Or that filthy. I can't stand doing the same work 10x.[/I] The quirk that got me so upset I made him leave was his inability to budget or to want to budget and his willingness or sense of responsibility to pay rent. It was not a quirk. It was the awareness that I was enabling him to believe that he did not have to take responsibility or to seek anybody to help him structure his life in a way that worked. However painful were the quirks, it was what I saw in myself, that was intolerable. That I needed to hold the line, to insist upon his self-responsibility, a bottom line. Yes. I think the key here is my communication with M and structuring this in such a way that M is not in the middle, and does not insert himself there. How to do this, I am unclear. That is an idea. I had brought up to M some time ago that I find a housekeeper to help M. And M would not hear of it. He didn't want anybody else involved and he insisted that J do what he needed to do. But as you know our life as a threesome had a lot of conflict, and the cost to me and to J in particular is so high. I have to take control of this and have it be between J and myself. Even if I were to minimize contact, so as to not react to his quirks, to his lifestyle, there are still the things that need to happen: the liver doctor and treatment, therapy, money management and paying some sort of rent, even if it is to pay for therapy, or saved. Because if I do not insist upon this I am most definitely enabling. And this is what I do not want to do. Because I am digging my own grave with that. To the extent that J does not learn to handle his life while I am alive, he will be in difficult straits when I die, and this scares me the most. Thank you SWOT. [/QUOTE]
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Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?
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