Am I the one with-Attitude Problem???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jewel1, May 25, 2007.

  1. Jewel1

    Jewel1 New Member

    Just had me thinking...and not too happy about it...

    My Mom just took my 10yr son Bradley to the pediatrician see if we continue on the usual dosage of 10mg Prozac & the 40mg of Strattera...well, Bradley acts WAY different around my Mom than he does around me! Go figure. The pediatrician agrees with-my Mom that I am "strong-willed" and my demeanor isn't good...or I'm too "stern" Mom says "I have told you all along you have an attitude" with-Bradley!
    That is the reason she said, that we clash!

    I'm strict with-Bradley...not perfect, but strict! I have fun with-him too, but he doesn't laugh much with-me either. If I lighten up with-him, then he tends to try & walk all over me. Am I doing something wrong?? I remprimend him when he doesn't behave...but I have just recently gotten the book "The Explosive Child"...and have begun reading it.

    I am hoping things improve...we are moving to a new/better apt community with-sports related things & kids. He is going to a new school in the fall...and now he is going to go to the YMCA for the summer. Could I be having an "attitude"???? Now I would be the cause as to his demeanor/problems??? :smile:
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    He acts differently with you because you are his mother. Not because you are doing anything wrong.

  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'm gonna pass along some of the assurance and comfort that I got on this board a few days ago when I posted a similar question.

    YOU are the mom. YOU are with the child every day. YOU know what is necessary to keep him in line. You are doing the right things by getting him help and reading the suggested book.

    difficult children ALWAYS save their difficult child-ness for the person that they feel safest with. Usually, mom. Of course he acts differently around mom. And mom might not understand that.

    Encourage her to read the book when you are finished. And do not be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you are doing a fine job.

    Hugs and prayers coming your way.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When easy child was 10 and was diagnosis'd with severe depression, my mother was incredibly angry with me for taking him to therapy and getting medications. Why? Because she didn't see it. He saved it all for me. She accused me of wanting to medicate him because I didn't like his behavior. About 2 months later, she did see it and she called me crying and wanted him to come live with her. :rolleyes:

    by the way, if my pediatrician doctor was talking to someone else - even my mother - that way about me, I'd be finding another pediatrician doctor.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No, I don't think so. Many psychiatrists have told me that kids act worse around those they trust the most and know care for them the most. They hold it in around others and it all comes out at home.
  6. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Two in-law grandpas (one is the father of the mom, other father of the dad) were in the office and they were just saying how amazing it was that their grandkids were sooooo different with them than with the mom and dad. They're pretty much angels with the grandparents, and when mom and/or dad come back the kids just go nuts and the behaviors went to bad quite often. And these are easy child kids. Kids just seem to act better for grandparents than their parents, I know mine both do. Yes, he probably relaxes and laughs more with grandma. You're the mom - who has to make sure he learns responsibilities, goes to school, does his homework, cleans his room, doesn't do a whole lot of things that society frowns on from scratching where he shouldn't to not stealing etc. And it's up to you to be the bad guy if he's not doing what he should. Grandparents get to be the good guys mostly, take them fun places and buy them things and when they aren't behaving right take them home to mom because "the little darling is having a rough day".

    I agree with wyntersgrace - I would be very concerned with a pediatrician who would discuss me that way with my mother. I would be looking for a new pediatrician that would support me, and if he did think that way discuss it with me and not someone else.
  7. Booklady Clara

    Booklady Clara New Member

    Dear Jewell,

    DITTO, you are not the problem. I have heard some of the same comments from my "well meaning" family. Usually, they are accompanied with "if you would only....fill in the blank" difficult child would "fill in the blank".

    Even if you have an attitude problem once in awhile, well gosh I guess that means you're not perfect. My difficult child ALWAYS acts different when she is with people she doesn't know well. Sometimes I even get glowing reports. She knows she "should" hold it together sometimes and then when she gets home it all falls apart and guess who is usually the target. My counselor even told me I was her trigger. I didn't do anything to earn that honor except be her mother. Congratulations, we're in good company there are a few of us out there. :wink: LOL

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Ah, shucks. Grandparents don't have to be the bad guy. And there isn't a kid on the planet who doesn't realize it's the grandparents job to spoil them as much as possible without the parents finding out. Of course he's gonna act differently around grandma. duh No brainer there.

    N got upset just today because Aubrey wouldn't eat lunch for her. I asked to try and Aubrey gobbled up her food like she was starving. I explained to N that it's only cuz I'm Nana. I had the same problem with her and her sibs when they were young.

    It's not your job to be difficult child's best friend. It's your job to be his parent with all of the responsibilities that go along with it.

    I'd have lots of trouble with a pediatrician doctor bad mouthing me to grandma when I wasn't there.

    Now if you're worried difficult child isn't smiling and laughing enough when with you, maybe you can evaluation your days with him and see if you could insert a few mins of fun here and there. This was necessary with my difficult child T because he was the one who was ALWAYS into trouble and had to be watched like a hawk. I had to take special care that I was remembering to use praise and take every opportunity to get a giggle out of the boy. (he didn't give me much to work with)

    There is nothing wrong with being a strict parent.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I don't care for the talk behind your back between pediatrician doctor & mom. Incredibly unprofessional on doctor's part; there are some mother's who are going to speak their mind no matter what. :hammer:

    Having said that, kt (& wm when he was living here) directs her antics & terms of endearment at me. It's overwhelming at best.

    When I cross a line between being "mom" & having fun, kt either takes advantage of that in a negative way or I've lost several steps kt recognizing me as parent.

    I have to say that many times, our little wonders save their stuff for moms. So, in my humble opinion, it's not you. by the way, you get to be as strict as you feel necessary - you're the mom. We get to set the rules in
    our homes. :warrior:
  10. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member difficult child also gives me the hardest time, by far. I was thinking it was maybe an abandonment issue, but now I will choose to believe it is just becuase I am mom!
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I always make sure no matter what, that I take difficult child to psychiatrist. I think it is important for me to hear exactly what goes on and to be present. My mom or husband will take both kids to dentist, or primary care doctor for acute illness, but not psychiatrist. I know this can be hard, but I find it necessary.

    When difficult child was evaled by current psychiatrist, husband mentioned that difficult child behaved better for him. psychiatrist stated this was common, and that lots of behaviors are saved for mom. Now that I understand what is going with difficult child and have accepted it (a huge piece for me) I can deal with him better. Mood stablizers (for him not me :smile:) have helped immensely (sp)

    Good luck to you.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ditto. You're the one who enforces the rules. Grandma has fun. She's not with-difficult child 24/7.
    No comparison.
    I would not let her take him to the pediatrician again for all of the reasons stated above.
    Was your difficult child's dosage changed? Were his scrips changed? Or is it all talk at this point? If it's all talk, I would try to blow it off, and make another appointment. with-the pediatrician. where YOU are there instead of your mom.
    I wonder about how firm your pediatrician is in his medication philosophy and diagnosis if he is so easily swayed by your mom's opinion, and why he would have prescribed the medications in the 1st place, only to be 2nd guessed?
    He's supposed to be basing this on a long-term history, not just one appointment.
  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    This is such a concern of mine also. difficult child and I go at it almost every morning. (husband is gone to work by then). husband is rarely there when we get into it. He tells me it is ME and I cause the issues. Example this morning. difficult child went to a friends house until 10pm last night. I was asleep when he got home. So, this morning husband was taking him to Baseball practice, and I was going to go swimming. I waited for difficult child to wake up. Before he woke up, husband and I were talking. I asked how his time went at friends house, asked what they did. When difficult child woke up, I said good morning. Asked how his night went with friend. Asked him what he did...His answer in a snotty voice, "you already know, why ask". That got me. I told him I just wanted to talk to him and was waiting for him to get up. Sorry. I got up and started to get my things together. difficult child then yelling, "my god, you get mad at that.." husband was mad at me as well. I didn't say another word, just took my things and left. Is it me??
  14. wldinnh

    wldinnh New Member

    Before you jump on the doctor, make an appointment with him to discuss what he supposedly said to your mom. Could be mom's stretching a few general comments that he made to better get your support of her opinion of the situation. Also, maybe if your mom was talking on and on and the doctor was just listening and not saying much beyond "ok", "ummmmm-hmmm", etc., she took that as him agreeing with her since he wasn't disagreeing with her. But, you need to know the truth of what was said in that office by the doctor because IF he did say those things about you, I'd change docs.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Kjs, that's typical of what USED to go on around here, but here's my new tactic: I tell difficult child that he may not speak to me like that. (I use a calm voice.) Then, later in the day when he wants a treat, like baseball cards, a Reese's Peanut butter cup, or some TV, I say, again, in a nice voice, "Oh, that sounds really neat, but no, you can't because you weren't nice to me this morning. Try tomorrow."
    It works!!!!
  16. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Terry - I know the outcome of that already. difficult child - "My God you're kidding me!!!" in a very loud voice. Then stomp off somewhere. Leaving me to feel guilty again.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ah! The guilt thing.
    That's my new mantra.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Let him stomp.

    Not your problem.

    Next day, if he's mouthy, tell him again. Calmly. "You may not speak to me like that."

    If he asks for something later, tell him again. Calmly. "No, you did not talk to me nicely this morning. Try again tomorrow."

    If you continually give in to him to avoid feeling guilty, he will keep doing what he is doing. He sees you as a pushover, and will treat you as such.

    If you want respect, demand it.

    (yep. still going to ER. Waiting for mom to pick me up.)
  19. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    a thought- are you sure gramma reported accurately what psychiatrist said? Are you sure psychiatrist REALLY said it?
  20. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    If you reframe your question and ask are my responses, my demands on my kid compatible with his developmental stage, his frustation tolerance level, flexibility, you are asking a great question. Most family usually say parents are too soft and what is required is more discipline , being more conditional and contingent. Kids do behave better around grandparents , there is no emotional baggage , conflict, short visits , but it is great that your kid has a relationship with your mother and there is communication. in my humble opinion we have to learn to generalize the one on one dynamic that exists when we are having fun , the working with - problem solving relationship to the rest of the day. Changing a dynamic to a win-win one from a win-lose one takes time. The idea is to have a relaxed atmosphere so you can work with your child , give him a voice so together you can address his concerns and also put yours on the table , it is not negotiation , but rather problem solving , parallel learning and thinking.