An update on outpatient therapy . . . and more

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SONS GONE WILD, Mar 24, 2008.


    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Hi there. Well difficult child has been to "intensive outpatient therapy" about 2 1/2 weeks now. Now taking Suboxone, which seems to be helping alot. This medication controls your need for "opiates" but just found out today things like cocaine are not opiates, so hope he's not doing that. Facility will be drug testing him soon. Still smoking, weed and cigs, but Dr says that too will be addressed, doesn't want to take all away from him at once, or he'll 'bolt' - which I agree to.

    Social workers told me today he is not "ready" for group therapy yet. Says he kind of took over therapy last week and the others didn't like it - and voiced their opinions. difficult child still looks at drugs as a "gift from above" and these others, mostly much older, are past that and really trying to clean up their lives. The good news is that this facility is great and will work with him until he's ready for group, taking him 2-3 times a week one-on-one for sessions. Says he needs some "people skills" - I coula told 'em that!

    difficult child was actually doing pretty well until yesterday when husband smelled weed coming from his window while out in the yard - evidently left over from the night before when he was supposed to have no one over and had 3 stowaways sleep over (we had told him no, because it was Easter, and the EB was coming for his lil' 7-yo sister.) So, husband threw them all out. One of the "friends" happens to be going through same as difficult child, actually, ironically, goes to the same rehab facility.

    Well, this "friend" a female, but not girlfriend, sounds like she's got even more mega problems than difficult child, stemming from her childhood. She has tatoos all over and crazy dyed hair, besides the piercings (not anything I want my 7 yo daughter to 'look up to.') We had let this friend, and her boyfriend, stay over for 2 nights, because they have no where to go. Evidently boyfriend's family won't let her stay there (wonder why?), nor will difficult child's girlfriend let her stay at her house (wonder why?), but difficult child expects us to let her and the boyfriend stay here!

    I let them come over, but will draw the line on them sleeping here again - I have enough to take care of with difficult child and keeping my family together. Don't need any more problems, but I really feel guilty for not letting them stay. I don't want difficult child to leave because I won't let them stay, but if he does I just have to realize I'm doing the right thing for the rest of my family. I know you probably all agree, but this is so hard. I want difficult child to continue rehab, but can't let him "bribe" me by talking me into doing things I don't feel comfortable with.

    Any suggestions???
  2. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    The thing that just stood out for me, the "bribing". I remember my son was taking medications for ADD and he use to tell me if I didnt let him do something he wouldnt take the medication, Its like he only agreed to take it to hang over my head and use it as a threat. Just be sure not to let him do that to you. I know it is scary, the thought of him leaving, but you cant let him manipulate you in that way. For me, my son is an adult now and I did all I can and now it is up to him to decide what kind of life he will live. My daughters are my focus now. I am upset that my son brought this into their lives. Right now, I am having to explain to my daughters my son did everything wrong because they think some of the stuff was normal-like no homework in High School, not having to finish High school, no curfew...My goodness, what else is going on in their innocent minds that they think was normal....It is scary.
  3. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Ditto IKP. After two years of trying, I've found bribes don't work. They only gave me a false sense of security while McW was planning his next rampage.

    Your house, your family. Do what you can, do what you think is right. I say that because I understand that there may be family dynamics that limit what you can do, but do what you can anyway.

    Also, I think it's the other way around: He's (possibly) extorting concessions from you at home by staying in therapy. You can think of it as a bribe if you want, but it's only a bribe if you made the offer first to get what you want. Seems to me it's the other way around...

    Regardless, though, it's JMHO that if you have to bribe your adult son to stay in therapy, there's not a very good chance it's going to work. I don't say that from personal experience, but I've spoken with the intake coordinators for at least four inpatient facilities in the last week, and they've all said the same thing: "If McW doesn't come on his own accord, and decide to stay here for his own reasons, we don't want him because it won't work - and it will disrupt the program for the rest of the patients here." They said that because he's 18 and can walk at any time, but they said the same thing last year as well when he was just 17.

    Instead of a "bribe", I'd think of it as an opportunity, a door you've opened for him and then offered to help him walk through. You might bribe him to get him to the door, and maybe get one foot through the door. But ultimately, at his age it's his choice to go through or not, regardless of how much (or how little) you "bribe" him.

    Just my two pennies worth....


    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    You hit the nail on the head. I am so afraid his "actions" will be viewed by my 14 and 7 yo as okay. Like his female friend full of tatoos and pink hair - my 7 yo daughter probably thinks that is cool! Last thing I want - then I stress that if one of her friends is over, they'll go home and tell their parents about this cool girl who was at my house! - Not to mention my 14 yo - he has his head on straight, but has made comments about difficult child getting rewarded for doing things that he should do anyway. This is so tough.

    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Mikey, thanks for your comments. He sometimes throws out 'if you don't let me . . . then I won't go to rehab.' Then when I don't back down, he's like, I know, I'm going to go, its just I had a bad day or da da da. Driving me nuts! So far he is going willingly to rehab, and husband and I are trying to be tough.

    Like last night, he somehow feels responsible for 2 friends who have "no where to go" and thinks we should let them sleep here. We did for 2 nights, then he snuck them in a 3rd night, so last night, I felt AWFUL sending them out at 12 midnight, as we sat here in our cozy house getting ready to get in our warm beds - and he left with them! I imagine he talked his girlfriend and her roommates into letting them stay at their place, but I wish he could understand that he is not responsible for these people! Maybe he just needs constant companionship, I don't know, but the girl is going to rehab for heroin, and who knows what else, and the boy, I don't know besides a recent arrest for marijuana. I just can't help feeling bad for them, then realize, okay, they are not my responsibility. But if they were not in the picture, he could be home sleeping in his safe house, in his warm bed. I wish they'd move away, like they keep promising. husband told him this was his 'own doing' since the night he snuck them in to sleep, husband smelled marijuana coming from his room - so he and his friends have to suffer the consequences - thus the no sleepover privileges.
  6. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    I know...It was a tough decision that I had to make, but like I said I did everything I could and now I need to focus on my girls. We did everything in our power to push him in the right direction, but he just pushed back harder each time..When there are little ones watching it makes it more difficult and scarier. This is my focus with them. I dont want them to think that is the way to win our attention or is acceptable or cause them losing friends because other parents find out and tell their kids "stay away from that little girl, she has a brother that does drugs and hangs out with really bad people". I had posted about an episode of my fav TV show on a different thread, it was like a metaphor of what I am dealing with..I right away connected it to my situation even though it was a different story. I guess I am so deep into this emotionally I can connect just about anything to it. I will search for it and post it so you can see it.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    You are trying to reason with a drug addict. And drug addicts are not reasonable people. You have to make the choices very black and white. In parenting our kids there can be no gray areas. If these two friends weren't in the picture, others would be. Please don't placate yourself by assuming they are leading your son astray. He has choices---he has a brain---drug riddled as it may be---and he makes choices for himself.