An update - we are home!

[greenrene]

I ended up needing an unexpected C-section with the baby - my first surgery ever. The first few days were hell, but we're back home now, the baby is doing great, and I'm feeling stronger every day.

difficult child will be here tomorrow, and I'm freaking out... I'm recovering from unexpected major surgery, I have a brand new baby, and consequently I'm in a emotional, hormonal postpartum whirlwind... Nobody in my husband's family nor anyone from the school, not once, has asked me how I feel about the visit, nobody has said anything about any plans or support for while she's here, nothing. My mother in law is sooooooo concerned about how difficult child's room looks and about the big sweet 16 family birthday party she's throwing, but apparently doesn't care one whit about how I'm feeling, even though I'm the one who is most vulnerable right now and I'm the one who is going to be the most affected.

I guess I'm going to just do my thing, take care of my baby and myself, and let the chips fall where they may. This isn't going to be easy.

 

[tiredmommy]

First, congratulations! Second, I hope you're feeling stronger and on a more even keel soon. And, third....

How long will difficult child be staying? Will she be in school for at least part of the day? husband needs to understand that you cannot be expected to monitor a teenage difficult child while recovery from major surgery and caring for a newborn. Perhaps she can stay with mother in law if there are any issues?

 

[AnnieO]

OMG, girl. I feel for you - I had a C-section with Rose and then came home to Belle and Pat, though Belle was being "good" at the time.

I hope SOMEONE listens to you. If need be, lock yourself in your room!

 

[greenrene]

difficult child will be here for just over a week - she attends a therapeutic boarding school that is far away from here, and they are letting her come home for a visit even though it's against their usual protocol. No school during the day. mother in law will be around, and lives next door, so there's at least that. It's just that the situation with difficult child and my husband's and inlaws' view of my "blame" for the situation is rather complicated and tricky. Easier to blame me than fix the real issues. I'm in therapy, working on myself, but nobody else sees anything in their own selves that may need addressing in the situation.

 

[cubsgirl]

Congratulations! You need rest, not difficult child drama. Hopefully this is a short visit. i agree with AnnieO - lock yourself in your room if you need to.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Congratulations! Put all your focus on your new baby and way less on difficult child and in-laws. You see the truth and that's enough. Hugs.

 

[HMBgal]

It sounds like you're going to have to advocate for yourself loudly until people really understand and step up. Be "selfish." Not that you actually are, but I'm sure you'll probably feel that way. You have the right to heal, both physically and emotionally, because an unexpected C-section was probably traumatic for you, and you also have the right to really be free to bond with your new baby and the other two kids. I wish I lived closer, I would totally come help! I'm a mother bear when it comes to new mommies. And welcome to your new little one! I'll bet he's precious.

 

[lovemysons]

Congratulations on you new baby!

I am hoping that difficult child's stay will be uneventful and that you will be able to care for your new baby in peace.

hugs,
LMS

 

[ThreeShadows]

Greenrene, congratulations!

 

[Lothlorien]

Congrats!

As far as difficult child...do you have the number to her therapist? I wouldn't hesitate to make a phone call if things start to spiral. This is not the normal protocol, you have a brand new baby and there's no support in place? Wow. I don't see how the school thinks this is wise. I will say a prayer for you and the family. If things are getting to you, just put the baby in the car and go for a drive or just sit in the car with the ac on.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Congratulations!

Second, I would actually say something to your husband and mother in law. I would not put anyone on the defensive, just speak to both of them together and let them know that while you are looking forward to the 16th celebration, you are really going to need their help since you are still recovering from surgery and are postpartum. Ask mother in law if difficult child go over and hand with her when you are resting during the day. I think I would ask for help in such a way that they feel supportive of you and you don't let on too much how worried you are about the impending visit. Sounds like blinders are worn when it comes to difficult child..... Sometimes it's easier to plead need than to relate doom.

I imagine your 10 year old will be in school during the day while husband is at work, but what about your 4 year old? How does difficult child relate to her step sibs?

*Sharon

 

[greenrene]

Thank you all for the support - I know that if anyone understands, you guys do!

So far, so good - difficult child has been polite and helpful, which is a very refreshing change. She has always loved babies and small children (which, given her age, looks, and issues, is actually pretty scary), and she is absolutely doting on her new baby brother, wanting to hold him, changing diapers, etc.

She has been nice to my older two sons as well - easy child 1 used to be her second favorite target besides me, and she's been nice to him.

I'm not saying anything to my mother in law or husband unless I absolutely have to, and I'm glad that I kept my feelings to myself beforehand. They see everything I say through their "greenrene hates difficult child" lenses, no matter how valid a point I may have.

As to the school, at some point I'm going to have to step up and make them keep me more in the loop on things and be more involved in goings-on - I didn't know that she'd been put on Abilify until a couple of weeks ago, and it had been a couple of months since it was prescribed. husband and mother in law are running the show with the school, and I know that I've been painted in a bad light and thrown under the bus - husband in particular is in denial about any accountability he may have for his own issues with difficult child. He's painted a picture that he and difficult child get along just fine, that the main problem is that she and I don't get along, nevermind the fact that the vast majority of parenting responsibility for difficult child over the years has been unfairly placed on me while husband just pretty much did as he pleased.

I've been burned out for years, and it's been good to have the space to start to heal, both from my issues with difficult child and my issues from childhood, which kind of merge together in some ways. I have a huge amount of PTSD with difficult child, hence the freakout prior to her coming. Not to mention the postpartum hormone craziness. I'm feeling better these past couple of days.

She goes back to school on Sunday. She's coming to visit again next month, and will be visiting for Christmas break as well. This is all contrary to what the parent handbook for the school says, but for now I'm just letting go of what I can't control (trying to, anyway), being honest and forthright, and setting healthy boundaries with my meddlesome inlaws (it's a very enmeshed family).

 

[Lothlorien]

Glad things are going well.

 

[trinityroyal]

Greenrene, congratulations! I am very glad to hear that the visit is going well so far. Hoping it stays uneventful until the end, and that the next ones are also calm.
Perhaps the week-at-a-time visits are just short enough for the honeymoon phase to continue with difficult child. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that it's been drama-free.